Hey Murph,

I was just sitting here thinking about the first time we met.  Do you remember?  It was almost 7 years ago - doesn’t seem that long and somehow it seems like we’ve been best buddies forever.  I was sitting in a jail cell - had been there 9 months for all the crap that comes with active addiction.  Remember that little Black Woman who came to pray in tongues over anyone who wanted?  Remember how I walked up to the bars and she put her hands on my head through the steep pipes and the most beautiful clear sounds…

My guts won’t catch up with my reality. I wonder if they ever will. If my husband is slightly grumpy, my emotional reaction is to begin to prepare for him to disappear, forever, into the land of addiction. I get really, really tired of myself when I do this.

I know the solution, too…it’s the same old solution to everything. The solution is to pray. The solution is for me to pray for faith - faith that God is going to take care of me, no matter what. Faith that I will find my way. Faith that my husband will find his way,…

We had friends over tonight. It’s the first time we’ve had friends over in a long, long time. There have been folks, yes, but it’s been in emergency situations or when my husband is tattooing someone. This is the first time in years that we’ve had people over for dinner.

It might not seem like a big deal, but it feels like a victory for us. Having a space that is reasonable for guests…space that isn’t completely chaotic with the evidence of our mutual and separate craziness…it’s been a long time since we’ve been able to do it. We are able…

“For God, who said, Let light shine out of darkness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

-2 Corinthians 4: 6-7

I keep bumping into this idea from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, and I love it. Since the beginning of my adventures in seeking God, my image of what God looks and feels like in my life is bright, white light…a glowing…

Hi God. It’s me.

I wanted to take a few minutes right in the middle of my day to thank you. Thank you so, so much for the way my life is taking shape over the last few months. Thank you for the changes in my work. Thank you for my new friends and mentors. Thank you for the work you are doing in my husband’s life and for the people you have put around him for support and encouragement.

Thank you for friends. Thank you for community. Thank you for the sweet, warm people you’ve put in my life to buoy…

Ahh, it is so frustrating when it’s all spread out. When everything is off the shelves, all the parts are scattered everywhere. You can’t even see the floor, which needs cleaning itself. It’s underneath all the other things that used to be on shelves, in drawers. Granted, they were on the wrong shelves and haphazardly piled into drawers, but they were invisible. You could pretendthey weren’t there. It was easier that way.

Or it was kind of easier that way. It wasn’t easier when you wanted to find something, or when you wanted to wear something and it was all wrinkled.…

Earlier this month, I decided I was going to set aside one day each week for spirituality and health, a sort of personal Sabbath. I picked a day of the week and made some rules for myself and set about my spiritual experiment. This week will be my fourth “Sabbath,” and while three weeks is hardly enough to see substantial change, I have noticed some interesting things:

1. It’s hard to break out of my routine and not do my usual work. It’s like the first time I sat in meditation and was there for about fifteen seconds and thought, “Ok, is this…

I’ve been on a little spiritual sabbatical of late.  Actually, my spirituality is  not so much on sabbatical as are the methods that I use to express it.  I was born and raised Roman Catholic - I think I already told you that I went to Catholic grade school, high school, college and grad school.  I left “The Church” in my early twenties, only to return in my early thirties when my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I made the standard bargain with God - “Save my mom and I’ll come back.”  I came back.  My mom died.  But…

It’s a little weird when things get too quiet. I wait, quietly, for the next, big blowup. Sometimes, I’ll even spontaneously combust. I’ve grown accustomed to action.

I had a fight with my husband last night, and then I had a fight with God. I was feeling neglected, tired, and worn out. My husband tried to comfort me, and I was all prickly, and finally, I pricked him just right. It was like a volcano.

I hope that one day we won’t need this volcano anymore. I am proud of him - he’s got a new job, new friends, and is doing…

I’m sitting in a tattoo shop while my husband finishes his first tattoo in a shop in several years. Perhaps I shouldn’t be as excited for him as I am.

I missed this world. I have missed sharing this world with him. I have missed the smell of latex gloves, the smell of the green soap, and the grimy, colorful artwork. I have missed the artists and missed the customers. I’ve missed the stories and the lies and the drama. I mean, I’ve had plenty of stories and lies and drama.

I was talking with one of my spiritual leaders today about…

Last week, oddly inspired by the humorous book The Year of Living Biblically, I decided I wanted to try to add a little Sabbath into my own life. Couldn’t I use a day of rest once a week, even if I didn’t have an organized religion backing me up? And because I’m not part of any organized religion, I’m not bound to keep my Sabbath on a Judeo-Christian Saturday or Sunday. In fact, I didn’t want to. After all, if you have kids (or maybe just if you have my kids), you’ll know that “rest” and “the kids have a…

“You and your husband’s commitment to service is vital. It’s like lifeblood to our community. Thank you both for all you’ve contributed to us.”

I read it again and again, and I realized a few other things as I was reading it. I’d been rushing, as it was time to pick my husband up from work.

My husband was at work. That’s a big deal, and it’s new. It’s happened so quickly that I almost missed it. I’ve been working way too much lately, and so his acquisition of a new job has been something of a nuisance…it has required a lot…

Spiritual inspiration can come from the oddest bits of serendipity. I was at a talk a few months ago by a Zen Buddhist who talked about making each moment sacred, about how we could light incense before doing the dishes and make the washing of each dish a meditation and a part of our practice. That’s a nice goal. I like that image. Instead, every day I engage in the totally unspiritual practice of washing dishes while playing yesterday’s episode of the Colbert Report on my laptop: sometimes watching, sometimes listening, sometimes popping over to my e-mail. And it turns…

Creative Commons, by websuccessdiva

“When are you going to start a blog?”

“Have you ever blogged before? Since you’re a writer, it seems like you should have a blog…”

“I’d love to be able to read your thoughts about these things…you should start a blog.”

Damn it, people! Everyone in my non-anonymous world is hounding me about starting a blog. When these things happen in my life, I am becoming more and more sure that I’m meant to be doing something different. God won’t leave well enough alone.

I am experimenting with non-anonymous blogging…or less anonymous blogging. The catch is, to protect the anonymous blogging,…

My kitten is beautiful…orange and white and pink on her nose. She charms me to no end. She is incredibly soft to touch, and her kitteny antics amuse me. She makes me smile every day. She hunts grasshoppers. She makes crazy, flying leaps to attack things like shoelaces or the dog’s tail.  She comes to me when she’s hungry or lonely or wanting affection, and she curls up in a little ball on my lap. She’ll reach her lovely little pink-padded paws up and pet my face, lovingly…looking deep into my eyes like I’m the greatest thing, ever.

And then, sometimes, I’ll…

Dare to face and overcome your fears.

Rukiddingme?

Oh God, not you again?  Your last blog was long enough to last us for a while. I was standing in line at CVS yesterday and I thought my epitaph should read something like,
It’s about time you dropped dead, you mouthy bastard. Thank God for small favors. You were asking for it.  Can you spell, “Shut up?”. Go straight to hell and do not collect $200.
Sorry about that. Laughter is the best medicine, they say.  A good laugh at a meeting is one of the coolest things about AA.  Addiction is so serious a…

It’s the Day of Atonement. While I’m not Jewish, something in the redemptive drive of the day has infected me, as it has for the last several years. I don’t know if it’s my many Jewish friends or if it’s just something in the hint of fall that I can smell in the air, but it feels like a day for making things right.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, and the topic was steps 8 and 9. I’ve recently finished working those steps with a sponsee, so there’s a lot of amendment, forgiveness, and atonement happening in my life.

There…

HOUND OF HEAVEN

My Marathon

All over the blog world I read about Peeps training for this or that marathon, and then, well….doing it.  Running. Competing. Loving it.

Yesterday I read “Junky’s Wife” blog HI GOD, about being reintroduced to God, from Whom she had been running. In the final sentences she wrote a phrase:  “…even though I ran from you for so long.”

This reminded me of the “Hound of Heaven” by Francis Thompson, something which I slept through in St Xavier High School, but remembered years later.  The opening words are SO me:

“I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I…

I remember the day I realized that God loves me. I was listening to Krishna Das at the end of a yoga class, and the words rang so true:

My God is real, for I can feel his love in my soul.

I lay on the floor with tears running down my cheeks. God loved me. I could feel it, pure and warm and real as anything I’d ever felt before. It was the beginning for me of my God-journey.

In the intervening years, I’ve tried on nearly every god under the sun. I may even have tried on the sun as a…

I have recently had the privilege of doing volunteer work for a 24-7 Prayer House and participating in one of their prayer vigils. If there’s one near you, I recommend checking it out.

I’m not sure what they’re like all over, but the one near me combines the magic of an art gallery with free coffee, an extensive library of spiritually-centered books, and private booths for contemplative prayer. There’s a booth for “forgiveness,” a booth for “confession,” one for “submission,” and on and one. I love this place with my whole heart, and I think everyone should have their own.

The concept of…

I was driving to work a few mornings ago, and I was thinking over the last few days with my husband. There have been some good times. In recovery, I am learning to appreciate the good times, even when we are struggling through difficult problems. When we laugh, when we touch, and when he shows me love, it is good; the nastiness of his disease doesn’t negate the magical moments.

Sometimes, though, I linger over the good times so much that I miss the way that he’s really struggling. His sleep is erratic. He’ll not sleep for 3 days, and then…

I had a long talk with a mentor and friend last night about all the things that are eating at me. I told her about how weary I feel, how tired of this long, exhausting life. I told her about how tired I am of repeating, again and again, the same patterns, the same experiences with my husband. I told her how it will seem to get better, but then, suddenly, there will be a new routine in his repertoire…new pain. New injury. New offense. I recounted all his latest antics that were frightening me, and I told her my…

I just want to put in a plug for a new treatment center that just opened this week on South Padre Island, Texas.  It’s called Origins and a friend of mine from New Jersey, Pete Marinelli has put his heart and soul into this project to help the sick and suffering addict still out there.  Pete has 20 years of soberiety and I met him one evening when I happened to be in The Garden State and hit an AA meeting.  He introduced himself, sat next to me and made me feel at home.  He’s got a great Jersey accent and ever…

I met with a mentor recently to talk about some stuff I’m struggling to let go. I do alright as long as I keep busy, as long as I have other things to think about…as long as I’m juggling tasks, people, ideas, and the other noise I keep going to keep the underlying voices quiet. But when I have moments of solitude or peace, out it comes like  apack of wild dogs. Resentment. Bitterness. Painful memories.

I wanted to know what I need to do to get rid of this stuff…what work I have to do to make the resentments fade,…

Can we last forever, will we fall apart
At times it’s so confusing, these questions of the heart
You followed me through changes and patiently you’d wait
Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate.

-That’s right, I’m quoting “Survivor“

A dear friend and mentor recently advised me to begin dating God. I was going on and on about the way I used to feel special through my husband’s love for me and how much I miss that feeling. She recalled her own life, early in her marriage, how she had longed for her husband to fulfill some deep desire for romance, acceptance,…

I remember when I used to be special…there was a time when the man I loved thought I was a princess. I could do no wrong, and he would do nothing to hurt me. The idea of another woman was repulsive…who could possibly compare to me? He would never have done anything to hurt me. He wanted us to be honest, and never to have any lies between us. I was different–special–and he was going to treat me like I was the most special, most wonderful, most amazing thing, ever.

I remember as a child when I was special, too. My…

I shared in a meeting recently about my fear around my husband’s business trips and how that fear is a reminder to me to connect with my Higher Power. After the meeting a newcomer asked me what I’m going to do now: I mean, he’s going on a business trip soon, right? So what do you do now? Check his phone records? How can you make sure he’s not acting out in his addiction?

Of course, I had already said what I was going to do: recognize, accept and take responsibility for my own emotions, pray and meditate, work my program,…

My husband has been attending a men’s group from our church over the last few weeks. Apparently, he’s really opened up to the men there. I’ve been meeting with the wife of one of the leaders, and she told me, “He spilled his guts. We’re praying for him.”

I am excited for him that he’s found a healthy community. I hope this one sticks.

So many times, he has dabbled in good community…but it never seems to stick. He sabatoges healthy relationships. For me, finding healthy relationships has been such a critical part of recovery, and I get very attached to the…

I’m thinking a lot today about walls.

I’ve learned quite well to protect myself from my husband by throwing up great, big, frozen, insurmountable walls. I hunker down behind them. There have been good reasons for me to feel the need to be safe, and I’ve learned out of a strong sense of survival. It works well in the short term, and it keeps me from following my husband off a cliff, which is my immediate, instinctual response.

It doesn’t, though, truly work. As long as I can construct a big enough wall to keep me far away from his pain, I…

I seem to be on a Nar-Anon vacation. In my time attending Nar-Anon, I’ve never done it before. I know lots of people who have, and I’ve always thought, “Why in the world would anyone stop attending meetings?”

And now I find myself stopping attending meetings. I don’t mean to be stopped, but I am stopped, anyway.

I’m not sure why. I heard from my sponsor tonight, and she said that folks are asking about me. I should call folks. I miss my friends, but I can’t seem to get myself to a meeting.

I’m working on my steps with my Al-Anon sponsor…