The hardest thing about losing Charlie was handing him over to the receptionist in the pet emergency room. He was cold and unresponsive, wrapped in a towel in my arms, and didn’t even look back at me as he was whisked away through a door marked “Employees Only.” I was wet and cold from the rain, but he wasn’t. I’d been rubbing his little body in the car, driving with one hand, and telling him, “it’s okay little buddy, just stay with me for few more minutes. We’re almost to the doctor’s.” It was midnight. I never saw him again.

Charlie…

I went to a meeting last night where the cold, wet rain pouring outside of the building had seeped through the brick and dry wall and permeated the entire space of the room.  It was a Big Book study and the format is the continued reading of the BB and whenever anyone feels so moved, they share.  I came in a couple minutes late, surprised to see that so many people had come out on this bone-chilling night, but felt the onerous weight of the upcoming holidays hanging over the space like an invisible pall.  There were many moments of…

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for the many blessings you’ve given me. This year, there have been new friends, new lessons, and important changes in my life and in my relationship with my husband. Thank you for those lessons, even the hard ones.

Thank you for providing me with the resources that I need for all the hard times, for the relapses and the abandonment and all the little stuff in between. Thank you for the gift of wonderful, loving girlfriends who are always ready to eat with me or pray with me or talk to me on the…

On Thanksgiving morning, I needed to run out to the grocery store for a few last minute items, and if the parking lot of my local store was any indication, I was far from the only one. As I weaved my way slowly through the traffic at the front of the store looking for an available space, I noticed a man standing in front of the store holding a hand-lettered cardboard sign bearing the words, “Please help.” I thought about the family I had at home, the friends we would be getting together with later that day and the feast…

I regularly receive  gratitude lists from my friends in the program.  I, however, rarely write one myself.  Today I am going to make an exception.

I am grateful for being clean and sober (we hear that all the time, but it is the truth)

I am grateful for a kind, loving, tender-hearted son who is the joy of my life.

I am grateful for my family members (the ones who are talking to me), and all my friends for their continued support of letting me be who I am.

I am grateful for this wonderful job that lets me live, work and practice my…

“You and your husband’s commitment to service is vital. It’s like lifeblood to our community. Thank you both for all you’ve contributed to us.”

I read it again and again, and I realized a few other things as I was reading it. I’d been rushing, as it was time to pick my husband up from work.

My husband was at work. That’s a big deal, and it’s new. It’s happened so quickly that I almost missed it. I’ve been working way too much lately, and so his acquisition of a new job has been something of a nuisance…it has required a lot…

Creative Commons, photo by Robert Couse-Baker

“Wise folks count their blessings
Fools count their problems”

On Monday I reactivated my status as a vehicle owner. Ok, that sounds boring, sure. For me this is a HUGE deal. I haven’t owned a 2 axle, 4 wheel vehicle since 1998. 11 years.  My thoughts were that it was inefficient to own one, and eventually, it became inefficient not to own one.

Monday morning blogger Kristin H. sold me her super fantastic minivan. Monday afternoon found me homeward bound, a five hour road trip. Clear blue skies and curvy mountain roads opened up before me, giving me…

I’ve just diagnosed myself with a strong need for some gratitude. While I include thanksgiving in my prayers every day, sometimes, it’s still useful to write out a list. It helps to make sense of things and get perspective, and I am in a real quagmire over the last few weeks.

• I am grateful for my church community. I am grateful to be the kind of woman who can have a church community. It’s a real miracle. I am grateful that my church community is so passionate about service, so intelligent, and so loving.
• I am grateful for my recovery community. I…

This will be a departure from my usual fair. I see most of the blogs on this site deal with the trauma and the chaos we get ourselves into with our addictions.  They continue into our recoveries inevitably.  I guess they stay with us forever, no matter how far down the road we go.
Life just isn’t fair.  Everything has a price.  There is no Never Never Land for us or anybody. We made a mess of ourselves and those around us.  That’s just “Life being life.”   I’ve discussed with a friend about someone being themselves.  As if my friends…

The best reason for gratitude is the outlook it creates as we cultivate it within ourselves. We will actually feel mentally and physically uplifted if we know true gratitude. This is the true spiritual outlook alcoholics seek in the bottle but can find only in the new way of life. ~Walk in Dry Places

Get together with us in the chat room on Sunday night, at 8pm, to discuss Gratitude. Bring your personal experiences, musings, and questions. Our hostess is Ms. Hen, aka the Frugal Hen, Betty. The last time Ms. Hen hosted, we had a lively discussion on what conservation…

It’s Monday morning and when I look at the week ahead I want to go home, crawl back under the covers and hide.  Well, kinda hide - I’m sure you know what I mean.  That’s why we all  need to take this thing called “life” one day (or one moment) at a time.  I remember when I was first getting sober, I had to sometimes just get through the next hour, or even the next 5 minutes, knowing that my current state would pass (or at least hoping it would pass).  If I kept my heart and mind in the…

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

I’ve been humming…

When dealing with alcoholism, identifying what to abstain from in order to maintain sobriety is relatively straightforward: don’t drink alcohol. But defining sobriety when the addiction is sex or food or (in the case of some of us codependents) addicts can be trickier. At least five separate 12 Step programs exist for sex addicts and three for their partners,* each with its own approach to the problem of defining sobriety. For example, Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) applies the same definition of sobriety (no sex with self or partners other than one’s spouse) to all its members, while other groups use various…

I have recently had the privilege of doing volunteer work for a 24-7 Prayer House and participating in one of their prayer vigils. If there’s one near you, I recommend checking it out.

I’m not sure what they’re like all over, but the one near me combines the magic of an art gallery with free coffee, an extensive library of spiritually-centered books, and private booths for contemplative prayer. There’s a booth for “forgiveness,” a booth for “confession,” one for “submission,” and on and one. I love this place with my whole heart, and I think everyone should have their own.

The concept of…

A good article on the relationship between gratitude and happiness.

A psychology professor at the University of Michigan, Peterson regularly gave his students an unusual homework assignment. He asked them to write a “gratitude letter,” a kind of belated thank-you note to someone in their lives. Studies show such letters provide long-lasting mood boosts to the writers. Indeed, after the exercise, Peterson says his students feel happier “100 percent of the time.”

…The biggest bonuses come from experiencing gratitude habitually, but natural ingrates needn’t despair. Simple exercises can give even skeptics a short-term mood boost, and “once you get started, you find more…

I remember all those Mother’s Days when I would get up early and put cards out and pick some flowers from the yard for my mother. The cards were the ones that I had made, with stiff paper and colored with crayons. Later on, I bought cards but they never seemed to have the same significance for me as those early ones that I made. The flowers could be anything from what was growing, usually tulips, daffodils, and irises, to some wild flowers. My mother would always act surprised and happy. She kept all those cards, and I found them…

Well, here we are - the last day of Alcohol Awareness Month - and I must first express my gratitude to Alix M. who has diligently (and I mean work your butt off diligent) contacted writers and made sure that every single day during this very important month, a new story was posted about someone’s journey on the ferris wheel  of addiction and recovery.

I have been honored to write the last entry:

What Recovery Means To Me:

Being able to look people in the eye

Knowing that I can be trusted driving other peoples’ children in my car

Asking for help when I need…

I was listening to a speaker talk about how life is often spoken of as a game. I haven’t felt that it was much fun playing the game of life until I came to Al-Anon. In thinking about my life and the stages that I’ve gone through, several things come to mind as to how I’ve played the game.

1. Don’t play at all–just give up. During the last few years when things were so bad and I felt hopeless, I came as close to giving up as I could. I simply had enough of the anger, moodiness, emptiness and depression.…

I’m grateful for the beautiful, blue sky.

I’m grateful for my dog’s soft belly, which she showed me immediately upon waking this morning.

I’m grateful for my job and for having a group of students who are mostly pleasant most of the time.

I’m grateful for all the ways I’ve found to take care of myself.

I’m grateful for my sore thighs. I know I’m alive because I can feel my body.

I’m grateful for my husband’s kindness this morning.

I’m grateful for my recovery. I’m grateful for my husband’s.

I’m grateful for prayer and meditation and for the peace that I find through these tools.

I’m grateful…

We went to court this morning for my husband’s probation violation. It looks like he’s not going to get any time, which is exciting. It seems that what most likely will happen is that he will get his probation reinstated with a few more bells and whistles than he had before, which in many ways may prove to be a blessing. Since the state will have a vested interest in his paying his restitution and other probationary fees, I am hopeful that his probation officer will help him to get a job. The probation officer he’s been assigned is an…

how good would feel calm, if you don’t feel the anger

release it you can with heartfelt candor

what good would be love, if you can’t conquer hate

as this can ensnares you in torturous state

how rewarding is confidence, if you don’t master fear

the feeling of growth that we so revere

have you felt the rush of discovery

that sharpens the edges of things once blurry

and the wonder that sweeps through your soul with surprise

when anticipation from you doesn’t rise

when amusement replaces a deep weariness

when the everyday things leave you happy, breathless

and the innocence gained from inner repent

the lightness returned when released, the torment

the closeness achieved…

in darkness filled with pain and despair

a little voice called and begged for repair

refused to be silenced by chemical use

didn’t accept you feeble excuse

made itself felt in guilt and shame

pointing fingers full of blame

reflected in eyes of tortured soul

your peace of mind it ransacked and stole

your memories lost to chaotic blur

in eyes of others unspoken censure

to in the end be heard and heeded

regaining control so desperately needed

it prompted the climb up slippery slope

from murky depths with a glimmer of hope

through wily temptations and sly mind control

desirous, appealing, it played it’s last role

to tempt you back into world without feeling

to emotions…

Bob Sutton posted a link to the abstract below (emphasis mine):

This study tests whether gratitude predicts psychological well-being above both the domains and facets of the Five Factor Model. Participants (N=201) completed the NEO PI-R measure of the 30 facets of the Big Five, the GQ-6 measure of trait gratitude, and the Scales of Psychological Well-being. Gratitude had small correlations with autonomy (r = .17), and medium to large correlations with environmental mastery, personal growth, positive relationship, purpose in life, and self-acceptance (rs ranged from .28 to .61). After controlling for the 30 facets of the Big Five, gratitude explained a substantial amount…

A few months ago, my husband and I sat in our car in an empty parking lot. We’d gotten the kids settled with a babysitter, although it had taken longer than usual, and had driven to a place we knew we could park in relative peace. The rain was drumming on the windshield and a chill started seeping in when we turned the engine off.

“Do you want to say a quick Serenity Prayer together first?” Mark asked.

“That sounds good,” I responded.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,…

“I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that I am responsible.”

-A.A.’s Responsibility Declaration

This morning I prayed for an opportunity to be of service to others, and I’ve had several. One thing I’ve learned in recovery is the power of selfless service. I never thought of myself as a selfish person, as I”d always been ready and willing to sacrifice my own best interests to help someone else out. I’ve learned, though, that much of my “helping” was actually enabling, and it emerged from my desire…

I need to remember that the little things are not insignificant.  When I am in my head and ready to come unglued, it is the little things that will bring me back to right size.

That reading two books, and not just one, will make my daughter’s heart sing.

That bubbles in the bath are always better.

That my butter pecan cupcakes brought a smile to the faces of the good ol’ boys at Sunday night’s meeting.

That remembering details from our conversation six months ago makes you happy.

That giving away my three year medallion to my newly minted sobriety chum is significant in her eyes.

That…

It was just three days of my life. Day two was definitely the most difficult. The fruit cleanse had one day remaining, and I didn’t feel so hot. I had a cup of coffee on day one to stave off a headache, but day two I went without. I was a bit head-achy and lethargic most of the day. I took two naps to deal with both, but by evening I was still head-achy, fatigued, and a bit nauseous. I ate some miso soup for dinner, which was allowed, and poof, I felt better. Must have been the salt…

Day three…

I’m meant to write a gratitude list. Actually, I was meant to write it yesterday, but I was too pissed off to be grateful for anything. I realize that I rejected the cure and embraced the sickness by putting it off…but anyway, I’m going to do it now. My sponsor recommended that I write 5 things I’m grateful for about my husband and 5 things I’m grateful for about my life. So here they are:

I am grateful for my husband’s recovery. He’s working pretty hard, and when he’s doing it, he’s doing it well.

I am grateful for my husband’s lovely…

Finding gratitude in the smallest ways:

That walking the dog in 12 degree weather with snow and ice will force me to slow down and enjoy my surroundings.

That looking more Nepalese Sherpa than urban housewife is perfectly OK while walking the dog in 12 degree weather.

That the arctic conditions pummeling our region makes me grateful for a warm home and hot food in the oven.

That I have a 12 setting table warmer for my massage table. My clients will be pleased.

That the weather is no longer a reason to call in “sick” so that I can stay home and drink all day.

For…

Somebody at last night’s New Year’s Eve party referred to Prince’s old song, 1999, and said, “Remember when that song came out, and 1999 seemed so far away?” Everyone in the room, a bunch of 30 and 40-somethings, nodded aggressively. I was in high school when 1999, the song, came onto the scene, and I was just beginning my introduction to alcohol. 

College in the late 80’s and early 90’s solidified my position as a “social” binge drinker–mostly in conjunction with my sports teams. It wasn’t until long after 1999 that I began my alcoholic drinking odyssey. It took about three years for me to…