“Let go and let God” is saying I’ve heard frequently from people in recovery. It’s one of those slogans, like “one day at a time” or “easy does it”, that are a kind of shorthand for a more complex idea. They have a ring of truth about them, these slogans; they seem like common sense advice, solutions that many addicts agree can be applied to any number of the problems that commonly crop up in recovery.

But I’ve always struggled with “let go and let God.” It’s a difficult idea for an agnostic like me to wrap my head around, and…

I know you all have been wondering, Where the heck is Diary of a Quitter? Did she finally fulfill the promise of her name?

I’m still here, still coping with what life throws at me. The past couple of months were fraught with thyroid and depression woes, and changes in medication that made me quite sick for a few weeks. Then I lost my internet connection at home, so I haven’t been able to post.

Things seem to be working out though, like they usually do. My new (old) antidepressant is finally working, and thoughts are starting to flow again. One of…

How do you know when you’re doing the best that you can?

I don’t know why, but I’m finding lately that I doubt myself on this quite a bit. I mean, on the one hand, I think that I’m doing the best that I can given my situation right now. But there’s always this voice, which sounds suspicously like my mother, in the back of my mind telling me that there’s really nothing wrong with me and I’m just lazy.

Probably I should just ignore that voice, but it’s difficult to do at times. I had the kind of mom and dad…

My friend hooked me up with some friends of hers who do this thing they call The Abundance. Every Friday, they get the culled items from one of the local organic-produce delivery companies, and they set all these awesome veggies out in boxes on the side of their house, send out a text message and it’s free for the taking.

I went for the first time a few weeks ago. There were boxes of little potatoes, big green leeks, leafy Swiss chard, peppers, onions, grapes and my favorite apples - Jona Golds. It was like an awesome, free farmers market, and…

The new, slow pace of my life has changed my focus and deepened my appreciation for all the clear, simple moments which I arrive at each day. The carpet of new-fallen leaves covering the path in the park, a hug from my daughter at the bus stop, her face in the window as the bus pulls away around the corner, the flurry of finches wings in the Japanese maple tree in our back yard.

Tonight I saved my energy to cook for my family. I’ve been getting better at the kind of cooking where you wing it - fixing a tasty…

The past few weeks have been difficult, and I’ve been screwing up. A kind of passive screwing up, in that I’ve been screwing up by not doing things, but the result is the same. Stagnating, or backsliding, and then self-recrimination. Not a fun time.

I think this all started when I went on vacation. I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed the little routine (which I sometimes affectionately think of as a “rut”) that I’d cultivated for myself. Hey I learned something! So, yeah, I came back from vacation sick and my fibro was exacerbated by travel and I…

Vacation has been a little tricky so far. I’m away from my partner, my routine, my gym, my therapist, and my friends who know what’s going on with me. I’m essentially a single parent and my kid’s been clinging to me like a velcro monkey since Thursday, and since my family doesn’t even know I ever had a problem with opiates, let alone that I’m in treatment for my addiction. Sketchy? Why yes it is!

I don’t even like to admit that I have these thoughts, which probably means that I should fess up. Before I even got on the plane,…

Little C left on Sunday for Alaska, and contrary to my grand plans for my time during her absence, I’ve accomplished basically nothing.

Sure, I’ve been looking forward to cleaning out the closets, scrubbing the bathroom floor, decluttering the house and having a yard sale ever since her grandma planned this trip. They’re gone for a week - what a perfect opportunity to do all the stuff I never do because I have a 5-year-old under foot. And I’d even have time to hit the gym, go for walks, cook some delicious food, and plant some flowers. Well, they left on…