It’s almost 6:00 in the morning. I’m sitting on my back deck, coffee to my right, cigarettes to my left, laptop on my lap. One of my doggies is lying to my right, chewing on a rawhide bone and the neighborhood is taking on that beigy-gray color right before one sees the forehead of the son peek over the Eastern horizon. I’ve been up for an hour – ever since I heard the dogs bark, saw the car driving in a staccato semi-circle around my cul-de-sac and saw the man/boy get out of the car in front of my yard…

Last Thursday, February 5, was my son’s 22nd birthday.  Every year on this day I re-live the day of his coming into this amazing, wonderful, unpredictable chaos called life.  That day I awoke with really lousy cramps - my husband and I had Mexican food the night before and I didn’t feel too well. I went to work anyway, (can you say “denial?”) and my husband kept calling every 15 minutes asking if I was still cramping?  After two hours of nagging I finally called the doctor, and he said to drop by.  When I got to the office I…

i’ve been thinking a bit about long ago. of my childhood. brought on, of course, by the fact that my bean is celebrating his 13^th birthday. this led me to think about the birthday’s i’ve had as a child to help me come up with ideas for his… and i came up with zilch. no, actually one. and that one is purely because i have photos of that specific one. my memory banks otherwise are clear… nothing… i mentioned this to my sister the other day, and she said that birthday’s were never a big or elaborate thing in our household,…

What if there were an alcoholic gene? Anyone who had this gene was sure to be an alcoholic. What if you were informed your child had it?  What would you think? What would you do? 

I had my first drink at the age of three.  My father would give me sips of his red wine from a tablespoon while I sat on his lap at the table after dinner.

I loved it.

I continued to drink over the years as I sipped from cold beers on the garage workbench as my much older brothers would work in the yard.

I loved it.

I kept on drinking as I sipped the odd drink or two that remained unattended at family gatherings and holiday parties.

I loved it.

I needed the drink as I snuck NyQuil from the cabinet at the age of…

Life at the new homestead has been challenging recently. The kid has told me repeatedly since I’ve been here that she hates me, but tensions escalated the other night.  Hopefully that will be as bad as it gets.  Hatred is a word easy for kids to throw around, so I’ve been taking it in stride.

I’ve been called an idiot a bunch of times and often a normal run of the mill days escalates into a hysterical, unexpected conflict. We began to pinpoint the anger and misbehavior. Every time she comes home from stays with her father, she is a different…

This day could not be more beautiful. Bluer than blue skies, wispy white clouds, warm sun mixed with cool, dry air. It is a day to behold, an awesome and awe-inspiring day. Today reminds me I am but one minute particle in this enormous collage we call the world. I am so grateful. It’s a beautiful day.

I picked her up from school. We said our hellos. She is quiet and shy. She often looks uncomfortable in her own, ever-changing skin. I remember… Thirteen is a tough age, especially for a girl. I wouldn’t do it again if you paid me!

In…

What am I going to do?
What am I going to do about this screwed-up family I help out? I care a lot about the teen I mentor. I am getting more worried about the 12-year old daughter. I rarely see her. She is quiet as a mouse. That’s how she deals with the whole fucking mess. Worries me… But I don’ know what to do.
The dad is older–late 60’s, I believe. He’s totally enmeshed in the fucked-up-ness. Plus he’s got a world of  “issues,” quirks, and bizarre behaviors himself! But mom is the center of the storm. She is the eye…