“Worry brain, your mama’s so ugly, she makes onions cry!” I found myself saying after I got off the phone with my husband. I had to hang up the phone because I’d burst into tears, and now I was trying to beat back the anxiety that was consuming me. I’d read a book on helping children cope with anxiety that suggested we learn to mock the part of our brain that produces those irrational, anxious thoughts. As a feminist, sometimes I worry that I shouldn’t use ugly mama jokes on it, but then I remind myself that’s probably just my…

I’ve got plans for tomorrow that are going to keep me away from the computer, and I knew I wanted to squeeze in one last blog post today. So first thing in the morning I began the day right: by panicking because I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about. I didn’t have an idea! Ack! What if I sat down and couldn’t think of anything? Well, you can see (tongue firmly planted in cheek here) how very catastrophic that would be. There I was with the threat of writer’s block looming in front of me ominously (and…

Day 105

Early in my crazy-person career, I visited my college’s medical center because I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. This was a problem.

I was grabbing life by the throat. I got out of bed most days at sunrise and jogged. Then came the black vinyl planner, filled with lists. Lists of things to do and people to call, lists of goals and mission statements, lists of errands, lists of lists. I had been ad-libbing for too long, and was determined to eradicate every piece of procrastination from my life. If it could be organized and prioritized I…

A new study focuses on the neurobiological relationship between anxiety and alcohol use.

It offers a possible mechanism for vicious cycle of alcohol use leading to anxiety and this anxiety leading to more alcohol use.

The researchers found that short-term alcohol exposure increased the number of dendritic spines in certain regions of the amygdala, producing anti-anxiety effects. Alcohol-dependent animals eventually developed a tolerance to the anxiety-lowering effects of alcohol.

The researchers traced the anti-anxiety effect to the production of a particular protein, Arc, in response to a nerve growth factor called BDNF that is stimulated by alcohol exposure. BDNF is vital in the functioning…

My husband and I go out regularly without our children, but until recently we had never been away overnight. Difficulties with sleep are common among children with autism, and my son has only just (at age seven) settled into something like a reliable sleep pattern. So, a few months ago, we decided to try having a friend stay over for just one night while we went to dinner and stayed at the closest hotel we could find. I was less nervous about the kids than I was about my friend.

I thought she seemed stressed and anxious, as if she didn’t feel…

At my home group last night, one of the members said that something had to be done in her marriage to the alcoholic. She has come to the realization that she is no longer herself and that the self that she knew has just about disappeared. Her pain was palpable.

We talked in the meeting about how difficult it is to reach out when you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic. I hid my pain from others. I pretended to be okay but was also losing myself. In fact, I didn’t really much care about anything anymore. I didn’t think that…

I went to one of the local dives the other night to listen to some blues music. I really like good blues and went with a friend of mine. As the night wore on, it became hard not to notice all the cross eyed people staggering around the floor. If I had been there with my SO, I would have been so anxious. As it was, I was just glad that I neither have had the urge to get drunk or really have deep anxiety about what the others were doing or why.

Probably my urge not to get drunk stems…

I spoke with my husband this morning, and that’s it. I have been on the road for much of the day heading to my relatives’ house for the holiday, and he knew I would be traveling. Still, I have knots in my stomach because I only heard from him once.

I hate playing this game with myself about the phone. First of all,  I could just call him. I’m not sure how difficult it is to get him on the phone at the hospital where he is, but I know I can call him. I could easily say, “Hi. I love…

I saw my husband earlier this week, and the brief contact with him seemed somehow to invigorate me. It was a good visit, and I’m glad he dropped by.

I am concerned for my sanity, though, in that seeing him had such a profound affect on my mood for days. I’m feeling much better about life because of a few minutes of contact with him. I don’t want something outside of myself and my own control to have such a profound impact on my ability to function. I’m glad to be feeling more back to myself, but I’m concerned about the way…

I am thinking today about how much I enabled my qualifier over the years. Enabling to me means the things that I’ve done that might make it easier for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn’t any binge drinking or staying out all night. It was more of an internal rage that resulted in the need to have several…

I have felt on edge recently. A lot of my edginess started with hurricane prep around here. I worked in a cave while the shutters were up. That started the edginess.

There was the hype about Hannah and then there was the reality of Ike. I watched the news coming in from a station in Texas like I was transfixed. It felt like watching a train wreck–I wanted to look away but couldn’t.

Then there is my edginess over the political process and the bad economic news that keeps coming in waves: Freddy Mac, Fannie May, banks folding, jobs folding, the market…

Last night, I listened to a parent talk about anxiety. This wasn’t your usual garden-variety form of hand wringing but a gut-wrenching anxiety that hits in the night and lasts until dawn. The question to the group was “What do you do to alleviate anxiety?” I thought back to those many nights that I would lie awake worrying about my work and the things that I had to do, worrying about my SO and what was going to happen to us, and worrying about my mother who had severe depression. Sometimes I would eventually fall asleep but mostly I would…