Creative Commons/ photo by mrpattersonsir

I have never gone into any detail about this part of my life.  It is not something that I share, usually.  It has just been too shameful and painful and personal.

And it is complicated enough being a gay man without having to explain your having married woman.  If I’ve left this detail out in the past it is part lie of omission, part simplifying an already complex story.  But there it is.  I was married once.

I met her in 1985.  She was a friend of a boyfriend.  I was leaving him and he was desperate that…

“We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” -BB, pg.83

Recently I read Dharma Punx, by Noah Levine. Throughout the book, Levine consistently takes full responsibility for his past actions when drinking and drugging. The entire book was incredibly inspirational for me; motivating me to reconnect with my meditation practice and triggering some deep thinking about making amends. A full review of his book can be found here.

Levine writes that carried resentments are a poison that could easily lead alcoholics back to drinking,…

The topic at last night’s meeting was how to make amends to ourselves. Not unlike the alcoholic, I came into Al-Anon with a lot of baggage. I was unhappy, emotionally bankrupt, and fed up with so many things, most of all the alcoholic. I was ready to leave my marriage.

Gradually, in baby steps, I began to see that instead of blaming my problems on alcoholism, I needed to look at what I was doing. So by turning the magnifying glass on myself and working the steps of the program, I came to realize that I needed to acknowledge my own…

In Step 8, I had to make a list of the people I’d harmed. The guiding rule for this step has to be that they were harmed. But I’ve also read that they have to know that I’ve hurt them. If I made amends in Step 9 to someone I’d hurt in ways that they didn’t know, then I would be harming them by trying to make amends. I think that the exception to this would be theft. But a basic thought in making amends is to do no harm.

In making amends, I have had to feel that the time…

It’s time for me to make amends to a friend with whom I’ve basically not been around much over the past year. We used to be close and do quite a few things together but since I told him about my wife being an alcoholic and our marital difficulties, he’s distanced himself quite a bit.

I was recently working with my online step group on Step 8 of the 12 Steps. This is the one where we make a list of people we’ve harmed and become willing to make amends with them. One of the exercises we completed asked us to name the person we’d harmed the most and think about how we were going to make amends.

So, I looked over my list and thought about all the people I’d hurt most in my life. Should my parents be at the top? They’re the ones who have known me and put up with me the…

I’ve been working the 12 Steps with an online group, and after a few weeks compiling our fearless and searching moral inventories, our group finished Step 4. When I shared some of my work with my husband, he was amazed at how thorough the work was. “You’ve done about a years worth of work in a few weeks!” he said. And he means it.

Mark started working the steps five years ago when he began his recovery and he is currently on Step 7. Part of this is due to the painstaking thoroughness with with Mark approaches problems, and part of…

I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. I am one of the seemingly few in recovery who didn’t screw over everyone and everything in my path on my way to recovery. It seems many fellow 12-steppers have an arm’s length list of people to apologize to as part of their process. I’m not special or better than any of them. I just happen to have been a solo, isolated drinker with a high bottom. My amends list consisted of four people, and none of my infractions had anything to do with my drinking–just with me being an asshole! Like I…

I’m totally double dipping today. Sorry. I spaced it that today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. I’m not Jewish, but I am fascinated by their faith, their culture, and their traditions. And this day is particularly important in the Jewish faith and it speaks to me in terms that I relate to my recovery.

According to Jewish tradition, God inscribes each person’s fate for the coming year into a “book” on Rosh Hashanah and waits until Yom Kippur to “seal” the verdict. During the Ten Days of Repentance, a Jew tries to amend his behavior and seek forgiveness…