My husband Mark, I have to admit it, hates fish. And people fish evangelize him all the time. I used to too, in my pre-vegetarian days, when a trip to the aquarium would make me hungry. The problem, you see, is never that people were different and have different needs and tastes; the problem is that Mark has never had “good” fish. “You’ve never tried really fresh fish. You haven’t tried this fish; it’s not a fishy fish. You haven’t tasted fish the way I make it. You haven’t been eating fish the right way. Try this. You’ll like it.”…

Our family keeps a pretty rigorous schedule, with nearly every night of the week blocked out for some activity or another, but rather than shuttling between soccer games and dance practice, like many parents in our social group, we’re shuttling between different 12 Step meetings.

So, a week ago, as I was lying in bed making the decision to try to attend my first Overeater’s Anonymous (OA) meeting, my first thought was: How am I going to fit this in? I mean, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights as well as Saturday mornings are booked. What if the only…

Yesterday Lou heard this Al-Anon promo on the radio (video after the break). Like her, I appreciate the pro-active approach. Especially with alcohol abuse on the rise since the recession hit more than a year ago. The comments on her post range and I, too, am wondering your thoughts about this. Blogger Indigo’s comment appealed most to me–that the ads are a good approach, noting that we have more tools available now than when meetings originally began. Why not use them to promote a message that could help people get into recovery–and dissolve the taboos surrounding the disease?

I remember the first time I ever saw my husband; I even remember what he was wearing. It was our first week of college, and he was standing in line behind me, wearing Coke bottle glasses, a white, retro (to put it kindly), marching band t-shirt with red trim and red polyester running shorts with white trim. I took one look at him and said to myself, “Oh my God! He’s, like, a total dweeb.” (We met in the 80’s. That was how I talked to myself back then.) So, yeah, not exactly love at first sight. He took some…

My 12 Step group had some difficulty recently around a reading that listed some of the behaviors partners of sex addicts might have in common. Many of the women in the group found it triggering, because they felt the list of characteristics implied there was something wrong with them, that they were “sick” for reacting to an insane situation in a way they felt was normal and understandable, or that they were being told they must have reacted in some way that they hadn’t simply because they were part of Club Partner-of-a-Sex-Addict. I knew that feeling. I had had it…

A few days ago, The Junky’s Wife sent me an e-mail with the subject line “Lois Movie!” (Yes, I am shamelessly piggybacking on JW’s superior recovery research skills and pop culture knowledge.) Now for most people, that might imply that a new Superman film is coming out. After all, in spite of the fact that Google seems to think it’s Family Guy’s Lois Griffin, isn’t Lois Lane the world’s most famous Lois? But if you have spent time working a 12 Step Anon programs for friends and family members of addicts, you have Lois Wilson, founder of Al-Anon and wife of…

Richard G. Hartnett, MA, MS, LCADC, former chaplain at Hazelden New York, author of Sobriety and Inspiration: Entrusting Ourselves to the Source of Our Healing and Creativity

Selfishness — self-centeredness!  That we think is the root of our troubles.  — Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 62.

     Recently Chris Schroeder interviewed me about the role of spirituality in the recovery process for his website.  One of the major themes of the interview was the importance of replacing self-centeredness with reliance on a higher power.  If you would like to watch the interview, you can go to www.afflictedandaffected.com.

     Some people feel that the 12-step recovery…

One of the most interesting questions that has come up during discussions about recovery with sponsees is  whether the steps were the only way.

I immediately thought “Yes”. But then I realized that I needed to qualify that by saying, “Yes, for me they are a proven way.” But the steps may not be the only way for others.

So I went back to the source. The Big Book states, “Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery..”
And further reading revealed that “It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is…

Richard G. Hartnett, MA, MS, LCADC, former chaplain at Hazelden New York, author of Sobriety and Inspiration: Entrusting Ourselves to the Source of Our Healing and Creativity

     We are not cured of  alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.   — Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 85.

     When we begin our recovery from addiction or codependency by participating in a 12 step program, we want to overcome our problems and find a peaceful and sober way to live.  We have had more than enough anguish and trouble.  So how can we improve our…

An Al-Anon friend and I were talking the other day about how frustrating it can be as we progress on our journeys, to see what that next healthier behavior looks like (just a step beyond where we are currently), but not be able to actualize it quite yet.

“You know, I’ve gotten more forgiving of myself around this,” I told her, “I’m trying to think of it like yoga. There are times when I’m not actually flexible or strong enough to do the full pose. I know what the full pose looks like and where I’m heading, but I can’t get…

I shared in a meeting recently about my fear around my husband’s business trips and how that fear is a reminder to me to connect with my Higher Power. After the meeting a newcomer asked me what I’m going to do now: I mean, he’s going on a business trip soon, right? So what do you do now? Check his phone records? How can you make sure he’s not acting out in his addiction?

Of course, I had already said what I was going to do: recognize, accept and take responsibility for my own emotions, pray and meditate, work my program,…

We hope everyone is enjoying summertime and plans on having a fun, safe Independence Day weekend. For those of you who might spontaneously decide to take a road trip or join up for some 12 Step fellowship, here is a list of North American fellowship events for this weekend. Let us know how you’re living!

AA July
2-5 Bangor, PA
The Camping Trip
Email: TheCampingTrip@verizon.net
www.TheCampingTrip.com

2-5 Torrance, CA
25th South Bay Roundup.
www.southbayroundup.org

3-5 Eugene, OR
32nd Summerfest.
www.aa-summerfest.org

3-5 Maniwaki, Quebec
Algonquin Group Roundup.
aaalongonquingroup@hotmail.com

NA July
2-5 Grand Rapids, MI
Michigan Regional Convention 25
Crowne Plaza Grand Rapids
616.957.1770 ext. 708
www.michigan-na.org/mrcna

2-5 Atlanta, GA
Midtown Atlanta Area Convention 19
Sheraton Atlanta Hotel
Event Information 678.429.3616

2-5 Orlando, FL
Florida Region Passport to…

Richard G. Hartnett

     Getting sober, whether from active addiction or co-dependency, is an opportunity for us to finally get to understand ourselves.  The 12 Step programs of recovery suggest a process of self-study, uncovering the forces at work inside us.  When our emotions calm down enough for us to reflect on our interior dynamics, we begin to discern various kinds of forces that influence or affect us in different ways. 

     The more we observe the different movements within us, the more clearly we can distinguish them.  On the one hand, there are the impulses or urges that lead to our…

When I moved to New York after graduating from college, my first job was as an intern for what’s often referred to as a “laddie magazine,” the kind that caters to a certain type of guy and that focuses on gadgets, sports, cars and beer, but mostly on babes in bikinis. At first, I thought it was weird that they’d hire a girl, considering that I was clearly not in their demographic, but when I arrived on my first day and saw that I was only one among several blonde female interns—not a single guy in our gaggle of coffee-fetching…

Today’s guest post is from blogger Mary Christine, who has been sober since July 24, 1984.  I was 10 years old in ‘84, and I just bring that up because at 10, I was a big geek. I would have laughed if you told me I would wind up as a meth head at 25. It’s always easier to loose sight of your goals than it is to get back on track. Stories like Mary Christine’s are inspiring and remind me how deep my appreciation for life runs now that I came close to loosing it all! Thanks Mary!

I was…

Practice forgiveness, recognizing that everyone is doing their best from their current state of consciousness.

                                   –Deepak Chopra, The Soul of Healing Meditations

It’s said in 12-step programs that newcomers are the most important members. To me, the unspoken deal has always seemed that they serve as a reminder of where the old-timers have been, while, in exchange, the old-timers heave the newcomers up from bottom with their experience, strength and hope. Now that I myself am a program veteran (ha!), I’m beginning to see just how valuable newcomers are to my recovery from codependency when I compare my progress to where they…

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally “get it” about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I’m actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else’s fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their…

Vivian Eisenecher
Speaker, Mentor, Writer, Author

I am a survivor. I have conquered social phobia, dysthymia and alcoholism. I am very fortunate to have lived through my trials and I now want to share my story to assist others who are struggling with one or more of these debilitating issues.

I think we all know about social anxiety and alcoholism, but what is dysthymia? It is a genetic chronic low grade depression which keeps you from experiencing any joy in life. One feels hopeless, helpless and dreary (like the commercials with the big gray cloud hovering overhead.)

My mother suffered from depression at a…

In their book On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler mention that many grief recovery groups have a rule:  Everyone has to grab their own tissues.  “Sometimes when someone starts to cry, everyone grabs the tissue box and shoves tissues at them,” the authors explain.  “While this may be an act of comfort, it often sends the message ‘hurry up and stop crying.’  Also, if we go into the role of caretaker, we avoid our own emotions.”

When I first began attending 12-step meetings, I thought the “no crosstalk” rule was bizarre.  I had been in therapy for years…

It is a happy coincidence that I happened to give up cigarettes right before the huge tax hike kicked in.  I did not even learn of the increase until about my seventh day off them, but it did give me another confirmation of the rightness of my decision.

It is curious to go through letting go of a physical and psychological addiction from a place of clarity; from a place where my judgment is not clouded by the effects of more powerful mind and mood altering drugs.  It does not make it any easier though.  It just makes it clearer.

Like many…

When I first started going to S-Anon (a 12 Step recovery group for those affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior), I was immediately struck by how small the group was. If we had seven or eight people in the room, it was a big meeting, and ten people was huge. Most nights there were just four or five women (always women) huddle together in folding chairs in a church meeting room. But a few doors down, ten times that many people would be at the Sexaholics Anonymous meeting on the same night.

As I struggled to find this one meeting…

Sincere spiritual investigation is, and always has been, an endeavor of methodical discipline. Looking for Truth is not some kind of spazzy free-for-all, not even during this, the great age of the spazzy free-for-all.

–Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love, the cult-status ,slightly chick-lit memoir that chronicles Elizabeth Gilbert’s year-long spiritual journey across Italy, India and Indonesia. Whenever I would mention to someone that I was reading this book—especially to my pals in the recovery community, I’d get snarky remarks about the privileged author. “Of course it was easy for her to reach new levels of…

Sponsorship is a great thing.

I have long had a deep need for someone to appreciate my wisdom and intelligence. I’m really smart, and I’m a big showoff, and I like to get validation from the outside for the hard work I do on my insides.

There are a few ways lately where I get my wisdom acknowledged, and they are so, so, so gratifying. When I teach, my students think I’m the coolest awesomest teacher. That’s fun, and they learn things and grow in their writing, and I feel wise and wonderful.

I am not sure if it’s exactly better, but it’s…

The teacher sat before us, spine like a taut rubber band, legs like a pretzel. “This next hour is all about you and where you are in mind, body and spirit today. This class is your practice and it doesn’t matter what anyone else around you is doing. Your mat is your world, and what’s happening on other mats is inconsequential.” Breaking the rule within seconds, I looked over at my mom sitting cross-legged on her mat and smiled. Taking yoga classes together is one of our new mother-daughter bonding activities. Up until a few weeks ago, my mom had never tried…

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” –Erich Fromm

As I’ve been facing the potential loss of my marriage while at the same time assessing the role addiction has played in the destruction, I’ve been reading a lot about the grief process. Every book seems to agree that the only way to heal is to feel every emotion and to trust that there will eventually be an end to the pain. Every book also seems to caution that if one ignores these feelings—especially…

Wind lashes the trees.
The water churns angry white.
I can’t let this be.

Sacrifice a goat.
Strike a deal with the unseen.
Beg storms for respite.

I’m too busy to
board windows, batten hatches
or leave the storm’s path.

Against all my will
the storm comes rushing in, then
skies clear without help.

This, my fool’s errand:
To prevent the hurricane,
save him from himself.

I am powerless
over the rushing maelstrom:
over addiction.

Do I think I could
command the winds or the sea?
Or reason with them?

I can fight the rain
or admit powerlessness
and find true power.

Last weekend, I decided to treat myself to a haircut, highlights and a blowout. Valentine’s Day was the only day Robby, my hairdresser, had an opening, and it didn’t matter much to me considering that my husband and I are estranged. In fact, I really just wanted to sit back, be pampered and pretend it was any other Saturday. But when I walked into the salon, the first thing I noticed was a glum, dejected look on Robby’s face. Fighting back tears, he told me his girlfriend had dumped him a few days prior. I felt a burning in the…

The first year of recovery is said to be the hardest, and the same has been said about the first year of marriage. There’s also that 12-step slogan that cautions, “Nothing major in the first year.” Well, my Higher Power had other plans. In the past year, I came out of denial about my husband’s sex addiction, got laid off from my job, got married, entered recovery, had my identity stolen and my bank account cleared, separated from my husband, and relocated from New York City to a small town in the South.

Hi, my name is Margaux, I’m the…

I realize that many people upon realizing that alcohol or drugs are becoming a problem in their lives simply make a rational decision to choose something else.  Some make a choice to recover in 12 step programs.  Some start, I don’t know, jogging or something.  Join the Rotary Club.  Whatever.

This class of alcoholic/addict really amazes me because my experience was so different.  As a group they seem so much more rational than me and yet I rarely think of them as being smarter or more capable than I am in many other ways.

Culturally we place such a high value on…