Whenever my grandpa got into a tizzy about something, my grandma used to say, “Patience is a virtue.  Possess it if you can.  It’s seldom in a woman, and never in a man.”  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Well, patience was the topic at the meeting I attended this evening.  There was a relative newcomer in the group and he was saying how he had just come off his pink cloud and wanted to get these steps over NOW.  He was just working on his 3rd step and was told to read the 3rd step chapter in the 12 and 12 every…

I relapsed. I was prescribed Vicodin for a back injury and I thought I could handle it. I was proud that I told my wife immediately about the prescription, gave her the bottle and let her dole out the pills. But I started banking them, saving them up and taking handfuls at the end of the day so I could get a little rush.

Years ago we volunteered with a foster child, a tough one who stayed in the highest security group homes. They’d give him his little cup of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and then check under his tongue to make…

Never is there a begin…nor an end

Counting the days,

For whom or what?

Marking the time. WHY?

Whether monthly, daily, or by the hour.

Attitude never should be dour.

For even so–it is LIVING which we are all still doing.

And where there is life…there is, yes……..

…….HOPE!

A lot of people don’t like changes.  They keep their living room furniture in the same pattern for years, never even thinking of moving a table, or, God forbid, a couch, to give the room a different feng shui.  Many people would never try foods that they can’t pronounce, nor would they ever think of vacation in a land that does not know what a McFlurry is.  I was raised in such a household, as were many of my peers in the 50’s and 60’s.  Our living room never changed, neither did our menu or our vacation destinations.  I was…

At once I am bombarded with a multitude of thoughts, crashing in from all sides.  I go to more meetings than ever before for a number of reasons.  Mainly is that I may see how others are doing, to meet out-of-town Peeps, and new, freshly sobered guys, scared, shaking, wondering things like, “What in the world have I done to deserve being in this Fk’d-up place (Alcoholics Anonymous)?”

Then there ARE the friends I have made through years of meetings, and the new friends always coming and going. One such friend, sober 18 months, sat in a meeting Sunday morning, suddenly…

I’ve been depressed since yesterday, when I innocently brought my parents dinner (before work, I stopped by in the morning) and found my father hunched over breakfast in terrible pain. Lower right quadrant of the belly, a 9 out of 10. For an old stoic like my dad, that’s bad.

So I cancel out a couple of patients and take him with my mother to the ER and wait for an evaluation. Can’t wait all day, so I leave my mom with her phone. Gotta’ go. Let me know what happens.

It’s a terrible feeling, leaving your 84 year old mother in…

During my final year of drugging, drinking, and anthing-ing, an incident occurred which I will remember always.  I had been working the night shift at a very busy bar in North Naples, FL.  My hours, 6-2 six nights a week, I tended a very busy bar, and played also my violin to sort of entertain the Peeps.

By the time I got to work, I was pretty much bombed, and by the end of the night (2 AM) I was speeded up like a jet plane.  Ten minutes of cleaning the lounge, actually took me two hours, as I drank whatever…

Twelve years ago I was rushing into a grocery store, trying to get a few things on my way to my next errand.  I, as usual, was moving at the speed of light, thinking about what I had to do next….when I saw her.  There she was, a big, black, furry dog with small deep set brown eyes and a face that reminded me of a black bear.  It only took one look, for both of us.  I knew.  She knew.  She was mine.  I was hers.  I brought her home to my little town house which already was home…

SOME MORE STUFF!

Winter will soon be but a memory…WHAT a memory!  Having lived in Naples, Florida 45 years, I can tell you, yes, I still remember.  Even now, when I allow a thought of those 32 years I spent in Cincinnati to live a moment with me–I can “feel” my fingers frozen, my body shaking with the cold.  And I might be exaggerating here, but I seem to recall being often in a gloomy or semi state of depression–the SO many overcast days of bleakness.

It is sort of like having been alive on December 7, 1941– Pearl Harbor–you can never…

Well, once again it is snowing like @&$%# where I live and I am homebound.  It also looks like no one will be moving out of their abodes for several days, due to the “inclement weather” we are experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic.  Being hold up in my home with six dog and two cats makes for some interesting circumstances and it is a constant effort to keep the back deck shoveled so the dogs have somewhere they can walk and not get totally lost in the snow.  That cats, on the other hand, could care less - after all, they…

Heard at a meeting (won’t tell you who said these):

“Never ever plan to NOT go to a meeting.”  It is alright to not go, for one reason or another–just do not PLAN it that way.  Ya never know!

When I take some time out to meditate–somehow I always ALWAYS end up with more time that day.

Out of the 86,400 seconds in a day, did I bother to take even ONE of them to thank my Higher Power?

“Don’t die on Third” (Third Step, that is…)  Too many of us go back out, because we stayed for months trying to work perfectly the…

RANTING AND RAVING–NOT JUST IN JEST

A “good” blogger I am NOT.  I got really hooked, became obsessive, and spent 8-10 hours a day writing, reading, and commenting…for a year-and-a-half.  Three weeks ago I stopped blogging, just left it–with a goodbye message, of course. http://steveroni.blogspot.com if anyone’s interested…

In my blogging “career” I went from reading ONE blog post daily, to checking on about sixty per day, commenting on as many as I could. During this time I went from enjoying 1 follower to 164.  (How many really followed I don’t know.) But my daily readership went from 1 to 101, then leveled…

Addiction has given me such an interesting bag of fears.

Our roommate recently purchased an XBOX 360. He and my husband play and play and play, all day. Here are the things that I fear around the XBOX 360:

I am afraid my husband will pawn it for drugs. We have few fancy electronics left, and I keep the ones that I have under my guard at all times. No matter how well my husband is doing, I am always wary of expensive electronics left unattended. He has paid for lots of heroin with other people’s electronics, and it feels pornographic to…

My husband Mark, I have to admit it, hates fish. And people fish evangelize him all the time. I used to too, in my pre-vegetarian days, when a trip to the aquarium would make me hungry. The problem, you see, is never that people were different and have different needs and tastes; the problem is that Mark has never had “good” fish. “You’ve never tried really fresh fish. You haven’t tried this fish; it’s not a fishy fish. You haven’t tasted fish the way I make it. You haven’t been eating fish the right way. Try this. You’ll like it.”…

Dear Peeps:

“Every day is not Christmas Day
Every night is not New Year’s Eve
Some days, chill and dreary,
Some nights cold and unlit, Steve” :

The night has fallen
Dark has descended.
My whole f****ing life
Seems so upended.

Will there be ever
New, better ‘morrow?
Will there be never
One without Sorrow?

One day, all I ask
Happy, Joy and Free:
Day without your mask
Happy, Joy for me!

Sobriety…Yes
Serenity…No
It’s a time for change,
It is  time to go.

The time to withdraw,
To be a recluse.
Finally I saw…
No longer of use

To the sufferer.
To the one in pain,
Nor e’en another.
Not ever again!

TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY!

Peeps!
Please stay SOBER and CLEAN
Please…with me, KNOW
That every day is a…

Yesterday it snowed all day.  It was as if there was a giant flour sifter in the heavens that just endlessly dusted layer upon layer of light, pure, dainty snow powder all over the land.  I stayed in the house, the grey sky telling me to be still, enjoy the quiet and just listen.  I did as I was told.  I spent most of the day in my bed, reading and just being quiet - letting the stillness speak.  This is what it said:

Our time in this place is temporary.  We do not know when we will leave, nor do…

Great is thy faithfulness, oh God my father,

There is no shadow of turning in thee.

Thy changest not, thy compassions they fail not,

As thou hast been, thou forever will be.

For the last few days, I can’t stop singing this old church song, especially the part about “no shadow of turning.” I think of how much I long for that full, unconditional love, without a shadow of turning. I’ve looked for it my whole life. It’s hard to imagine how I’ve always had it if I’d just looked in the right place. Even when I feel as close to God as I’ve…

A friend called me last night. She’s in the midst of some very messy office politics at work. She thinks her coworkers are being difficult. They think she’s being unreasonable. Her boss thinks they’re all wrong and they all think the boss is wrong. “Do you think I’m being unreasonable? Am I crazy or are they?” she asked. And I paused, because I’ve seen a whole lot of crazy at this point in my life and I’ve gotten a pretty secure grip on two things: the first is what I think is and isn’t crazy, and the second (and more important)…

QUOTE:What’s the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?
Both will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.

SHORT STORY

Well, I’m still sober after another (umm!) day.  Nights are so good–like an escape. As a child, I would wander about the farm after everyone was asleep, talk to the animals, sigh at the moon, and frighten the hens and hogs.  Sometimes I’d saddle up my horse Mickey (not really mine!) and ride out beyond sight of the compound of house, barns, pens, sheds and  machinery.

Riding under a high and full moon in July or…

I went to see “Avatar” last night.  I originally hadn’t planned on going, but heard amazing things about how beautiful the movie was and that the message was profound.  I know absolutely nothing  about all the technical voo-doo that went into making this  $300,000 million dollar movie, but I do know that it has left an imprint in my heart.

The movie takes place in the 21st century and tells the story of a mission by U.S. Armed Forces to mine an indispensable mineral that is plentiful on a moon called Pandora, somewhere out in the universe.  The inhabitants of Pandora,…

Reviewed by Ginger B.

“A Piece of Cake” is a memoir written by San Francisco attorney, Cupcake Brown, in which she painstakingly chronicles her life beginning at age 11, when her mother suddenly dies, through the hell of the next 15 or so years,  and eventually to the awakening she finds in recovery.

The reader is immediately plunged into the violent, malicious, sexual world in which Cupcake will live, with a description of Cupcake’s first foster home - a place where she is repeatedly raped, physically assaulted and verbally and emotionally abused by Diane, and her daughter and nephew.  She runs away…

Years ago, I met a woman who, when she was disagreeing with her partner, would tell him, “That’s not my reality.” She had a way of saying it that implied there was a real Reality (hers) and some alternate Crazytown Reality (his). You had only to hear those few words and know that he was totally batshit and she not only had a PhD in Reality, she was the president and CEO of Reality. In recovery, I’ve found myself clinging to similar mantras — most often “that’s not my experience” or “that’s not my truth” — and often (admittedly) with that…

I’m addicted to Snus. Stupid little tobacco-ish pouches being pushed by 7-11’s for people like me, who want the zing of nicotine without the social stigma of smoking or spitting. Reviews talk about them tasting more like candy than tobacco, but they’ll give you mouth cancer all the same. I recently discovered that my (sober) alcoholic cousin shared my interest in the little pouches, so I told him how I like to stuff two or three in my mouth at the same time. After all, the American version contains only 6g of tobacco versus the Swedish 24g.

Pretty clear indication that…

My guts won’t catch up with my reality. I wonder if they ever will. If my husband is slightly grumpy, my emotional reaction is to begin to prepare for him to disappear, forever, into the land of addiction. I get really, really tired of myself when I do this.

I know the solution, too…it’s the same old solution to everything. The solution is to pray. The solution is for me to pray for faith - faith that God is going to take care of me, no matter what. Faith that I will find my way. Faith that my husband will find his way,…

LEARN BY DOING

IF a girl–who never speaks to me–walked up to me on a Saturday night and said, “Steve, my husband will celebrate his sober anniversary tomorrow morning at 7 AM meeting. Could you be there?  My husband would like that very much.”

I would answer either, “OK.”…or…”I don’t come to meetings on Sunday morning.”

Well, I approached a girl who is actually very unfriendly toward me, who never attends meetings on Sunday mornings, and asked her, “My wife will celebrate 24 years Sunday morning at the 7AM meeting.  Would you mind being there?”

The girl smiled, and cheerfully said (only) these very…

This morning, Alix at The Second Road forwarded me a link to an article about sex addiction by psychologist Michael Bader. When I saw the title (”Sex Addiction: A B.S. Excuse for Not Thinking“), I almost didn’t click through (the whole “excuse” thing is so tiresome) but I couldn’t resist some good blog fodder, so I did anyway. To my surprise, Mr. Bader wasn’t talking about sex addiction being an excuse for acting badly in addiction. However, not to my surprise, the article did focus on the same old semantic argument: “Sexual compulsions are real and they harm the person…

of being sick and tired.  This time I mean it literally.  I am, once again, velcroed to my bed, and have been for the last several days.  Flu?  Funk?  Stuff?  It boils down to headache, sore throat, nausea and absolutely debilitating weakness.  This pattern has been a natural part of my life for the past several years, especially prominent in the winter months.  I feel absolutely perfect…go to work, the gym, my other classes and everything is fine and then SLAM!!!!! The symptoms appear and I’m in bed….sometimes for 18 hours, sometimes for a day or two.  This time it’s…

This moment of time
Is still yours–and mine.

Let us be happy
And forgiving,
Caring, Sharing, Loving…
And in PEACE! Living
With less stress.
Shall we? Yesssss!

And maybe tomorrow also?

Sorry Peeps. I got slightly hooked on “waxing poetic” the past several months.  But there IS always the “real story”:
A week ago I ran into a guy at an AA meeting–rather new–with “six months”??? of clean and sober.  We became not quite friends, but–friendly.  I picked him up for a couple rides to meetings.  We talked deep into Alcoholics Anonymous program during these half-hour trips.

He had been a “former member” and seemed now ready to (his words!) “get…

There are some people, places, and events in the past that I would prefer cease existing. I was preparing an exercise for a prayer meeting I’m leading soon, and it was based on the Serenity Prayer. I realized that I one of the things I cannot change is that certain people, places, and events in the past exist.

They aren’t going to stop existing. All I can do about these things is pray, and it would be shameful to pray that they stop existing. I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t like it if I prayed that one of his human beings be…

I was browsing around Target the other day, when I came across the most fabulous book I have seen in a long, long time: How to Change Someone You Love: Four Steps to Help You Help Them. I laughed the kind of laugh that ought to have sent flocks of birds scattering in alarm. Instead just startled me, and I quickly ducked behind the shelves in embarrassment as I grabbed the book.

I wavered a little over whether it was more morally wrong to skim the book in the store without buying it (is that the literary equivalent of downloading music…