Hey folks, here is a video that TSR made, which features several amazing recovery stories and promotes the importance of addiction recovery! Enjoy (both parts)!
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Whenever my husband and I hit a rocky patch, I quickly dissolve. I presume that the worst days are back, and I need to get ready for a hurricane to hit my life.

We have had a rough couple of days with stupid communication issues. I’m not sure why or what is going on, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not a return to the chaos of active addiction. My response, though, emotionally, is to head down into the basement for safety.

I wonder when I’ll start being able to tolerate little bumps without going into full disaster mode?

I keep telling myself,…

My husband Mark cannot take care of himself. Really, the man cannot even keep track of what he likes. I have to do it for him. I present as evidence the last few weeks of grocery shopping…

Last week, Mark was sick, and I (sweet and loving spouse that I am) asked him to make a list of anything special he wanted me to pick up for him during my grocery store run. So, he made a list of comfort foods, saying that if I was in a hurry, he really only wanted some Gatorade because he felt a little dehydrated.…

Every now and then I get to see a surly adolescent, the type with Pink’s so what attitude, the one who asks, in answer to almost any question, How should I know?

And these are kids, and you know they’re responding to the incredibly bad feelings that they’re feeling, trying to master life, push away people who care about them because basically, parents can be so invasive.

Not all of them, but surely some.

Did you ever hear that enmeshment is a set-up for drug addiction and alcoholism? When someone’s trying to invade your space, the best defense, really, is to be stoned,…

It seems that everything warm has gone out in my home. I keep  a space heater in my bathroom, and its heating element has burned out. The hot water heater was broken for a few days, and so my bath water was tepid at best. Everything seems to have burned out at once. I wonder what it all could mean?

I look for symbols everywhere, and sometimes, I wonder if it might just not mean that I’m broke and responsible for a lot of things that are old and in need of repair.

My husband, in the meantime, is on fire. He’s…

Last night my husband Mark and I stayed up past midnight finalizing the details of our Christmas budget and to do list. We divided up the errands and agreed on which of us would buy for whom and how much money we would each use to do it. I (in an uncharacteristically organized fashion) made a detailed list of everything I’d volunteered to take care of as well as a few other things that occurred to me. I set it next to my computer along with a calendar showing my deadline for each item, so that I’d be ready to…

Someone I grew up with drank (still drinks) a lot. And over the years, I’ve struggled with her alcohol use. Year after year, the incidents around her drinking have piled up. There was the time she was laid off and spent the next several years living rent free in a home her parents owned, spending her days drinking and watching TV, rarely bothering to get dressed. There was the night of her brother’s wedding, where she was found vomiting in the bushes outside the reception site after overindulging in the free alcohol. And there were the trash cans full of…

“Is Tiger Woods a sex addict?”
“What do you think about Tiger?”
“Aren’t you going to write about Tiger Woods?”

The questions have been peppering my inbox, but I’ve been avoiding the topic. On the one hand, I love a good celebrity sex scandal, both because I can relate and because I see it as an opportunity to educate people about what sex addiction can look like. I remember when my husband disclosed his addiction, I realized that his words and actions bore an uncanny resemblance to Bill Clinton’s (even down to the “oral sex is not sex” line). And I was pissed, not…

I met with one of my sponsees to talk about her stepwork for a few hours last week, and she also brought some yarn and crochet hooks. She wanted me to show her how to make a hat, so she could give handmade hats to her relatives as Christmas gifts.

I’ve been crocheting for years. I can make all kinds of beautiful things. My stitches are fast, even, and fancy. I don’t mean to brag - at least not much. It’s just something I do well, as I’ve practiced a lot.

She kept getting frustrated that her stitches weren’t as even as…

Tenant in Possession: Fear

Leased Premises: My Heart, Mind, and Spirit

To: Tenant Above Inhabiting Said Premises

You are hereby notified that you must vacate the premises. Now. Take all your belongings with you. Take your entire family. Take your residue. Fumigate the place. Get out of my heart, mind, and head. Go. Now.

Failure to comply will result in a vigorous exorcism through the means of my impending fourth and fifth step with my Al-Anon sponsor. You served your purpose, and I’ve paid my dues to you, but you will no longer riddle my walls and weaken my foundations. You will no longer…

Ahh, it is so frustrating when it’s all spread out. When everything is off the shelves, all the parts are scattered everywhere. You can’t even see the floor, which needs cleaning itself. It’s underneath all the other things that used to be on shelves, in drawers. Granted, they were on the wrong shelves and haphazardly piled into drawers, but they were invisible. You could pretendthey weren’t there. It was easier that way.

Or it was kind of easier that way. It wasn’t easier when you wanted to find something, or when you wanted to wear something and it was all wrinkled.…

One thing most addicts have in common is a history of childhood abuse or neglect. According to research by sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes, 81% of sex addicts were sexually abused as children and 97% were physically and/or emotionally abused or neglected. But quote those statistics to some (especially those of us who have been badly hurt by addicts) and you’ll hear, “Big deal. I had a rough childhood too, but I didn’t get so drunk I missed my job interview or spend my child’s first birthday with a prostitute or shoot up in a rest stop bathroom instead of…

I hate money. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate thinking about it. I hate dealing with it. I hate negotiating with other people about it. It is exhausting and sickening and tiring.

I just quit a job. It paid pretty well for a freelance gig, but the boss was really nasty. I’m not sure if it was a mistake or not. I’ve never quit a job before, at least not because I was unhappy or felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly. Usually, I just smile and pretend like it’s all going to be ok.

It’s a big step for me…

I’m not going to bore those of you who read this last year and re-post, so anyone who’s interested can just read it on the site.  Needs to be available, though, I think.

Hosting People In Recovery For The Holidays

Earlier this month, I decided I was going to set aside one day each week for spirituality and health, a sort of personal Sabbath. I picked a day of the week and made some rules for myself and set about my spiritual experiment. This week will be my fourth “Sabbath,” and while three weeks is hardly enough to see substantial change, I have noticed some interesting things:

1. It’s hard to break out of my routine and not do my usual work. It’s like the first time I sat in meditation and was there for about fifteen seconds and thought, “Ok, is this…

Hi God. It’s me.

I’m struggling with a little bit of anxiety tonight. My husband is at a men’s fire pit. I want him to come home, and he’s not home yet. It reminds me of other times when he wasn’t home. I know where he is. I want him to be there, even, but I want him to be here, with me, at the same time.

I want this removed from me, please. When we were first married, I relished my alone time. I relished my privacy, and I enjoyed when we’d have some space. I always welcomed him back, of…

You know why I hate the word codependent? (And although I have taken on that label, I still truly do.) It has the word “dependent” right there in the word. Weak, wussy little “dependent.” It practically whines at you: “I’m so helpless. I can’t do anything for myself. Waaaa! Someone do it all for me, I’m just not capable!” And that’s so not the way I’ve seen myself. In fact, the only word with “dependent” in it that I’ve ever associated with myself is “independent,” which adds that nice little “not” before its dependent. I don’t need help, no sir,…

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for the many blessings you’ve given me. This year, there have been new friends, new lessons, and important changes in my life and in my relationship with my husband. Thank you for those lessons, even the hard ones.

Thank you for providing me with the resources that I need for all the hard times, for the relapses and the abandonment and all the little stuff in between. Thank you for the gift of wonderful, loving girlfriends who are always ready to eat with me or pray with me or talk to me on the…

On Thanksgiving morning, I needed to run out to the grocery store for a few last minute items, and if the parking lot of my local store was any indication, I was far from the only one. As I weaved my way slowly through the traffic at the front of the store looking for an available space, I noticed a man standing in front of the store holding a hand-lettered cardboard sign bearing the words, “Please help.” I thought about the family I had at home, the friends we would be getting together with later that day and the feast…

My 12 Step group had some difficulty recently around a reading that listed some of the behaviors partners of sex addicts might have in common. Many of the women in the group found it triggering, because they felt the list of characteristics implied there was something wrong with them, that they were “sick” for reacting to an insane situation in a way they felt was normal and understandable, or that they were being told they must have reacted in some way that they hadn’t simply because they were part of Club Partner-of-a-Sex-Addict. I knew that feeling. I had had it…

This post includes some spoilers.

It’s been a long time since I nerdily reviewed a movie, but my husband and I went to see New Moon this weekend, and I just couldn’t resist writing a post about it. The movie is a vampire love story. No, actually it’s a vampire, werewolf, human love triangle. Bella (a human teenage girl) is the object of affection of both Edward (the 109-year-old teenage-looking vampire) and Jacob (the teenage werewolf). It’s also a stunning portrait of codependent craziness.

Picture Mark and me, cuddled up in a dark theater, surrounded by shrieking teenage girls. On screen, shimmers the…

It’s a little weird when things get too quiet. I wait, quietly, for the next, big blowup. Sometimes, I’ll even spontaneously combust. I’ve grown accustomed to action.

I had a fight with my husband last night, and then I had a fight with God. I was feeling neglected, tired, and worn out. My husband tried to comfort me, and I was all prickly, and finally, I pricked him just right. It was like a volcano.

I hope that one day we won’t need this volcano anymore. I am proud of him - he’s got a new job, new friends, and is doing…

Today would have been my father’s birthday. He would have been 65. There within lie a lot of “IFs.” The biggest being IF he had not been an alcoholic who always lost battle with the drink.

But he did. He lost many battles before he was finally taken off the field earlier this year.

I was told he had been sober for 2 years, the longest time in his life in 40 years. Yet, when I cleaned out his room, I found a book bag with two empty fifths of vodka. I carry that bookbag with me everyday. It is the one…

We know that “We are everywhere.” New technology from Ann-e helps addicts utilize, support and connect with the recovery network.

From About.com:

You are in recovery, but you have a sudden urge to pick up. You are away from your home base and your 12-step contacts, but you need to talk to someone, anyone who understands. You feel isolated and you need to connect with someone else in recovery.

Now, there’s a app for that.

Annie’s idea for a peer-to-peer phone application was inspired from a shopping encounter where she recognized an addict’s need for help and the loneliness many addicts feel when…

Creative Commons, photo by Robert Couse-Baker

“Wise folks count their blessings
Fools count their problems”

On Monday I reactivated my status as a vehicle owner. Ok, that sounds boring, sure. For me this is a HUGE deal. I haven’t owned a 2 axle, 4 wheel vehicle since 1998. 11 years.  My thoughts were that it was inefficient to own one, and eventually, it became inefficient not to own one.

Monday morning blogger Kristin H. sold me her super fantastic minivan. Monday afternoon found me homeward bound, a five hour road trip. Clear blue skies and curvy mountain roads opened up before me, giving me…

Eight years ago, in spite of the fact that we were both exhausted by caring for our infant son, I found that my husband Mark was staying up later and later at night. He had to be up at 5 a.m. to get ready for work, yet I would wake some nights at 2 or 3 or 4 a.m. to my son, wailing for a feeding or a diaper change, and find Mark’s side of the bed empty, cold, untouched. Then I’d glance to the bedroom door and see the eerie blue glow of the computer screen in the next…

I’ve just diagnosed myself with a strong need for some gratitude. While I include thanksgiving in my prayers every day, sometimes, it’s still useful to write out a list. It helps to make sense of things and get perspective, and I am in a real quagmire over the last few weeks.

• I am grateful for my church community. I am grateful to be the kind of woman who can have a church community. It’s a real miracle. I am grateful that my church community is so passionate about service, so intelligent, and so loving.
• I am grateful for my recovery community. I…

I went to a great 12 Step meeting this week. A lovely group of women, some of whom I’d never met, sat together and shared the kind of things we usually share as partners of sex addicts. We share about things like incest, physically and verbally abusive relationships, using sexual relationships to escape from or buffer ourselves against painful realities, using food and alcohol to help dull emotional pain, and contracting sexually transmitted diseases from our partners. We share about how it feels to have your life fall apart and to realize you never had that life in the first…

I don’t like it that people can pick up the story in medias res…but not that artful in medias res…people kind of blindly, accidentally bump into you, read something, and then start commenting based on where you are, right then, in a particular post about a particular angle of a particular relationship on a particular day. Suddenly, folks see so clearly that you need therapy, recovery, spirituality–all things that I am pursuing as if my life depended on it (because my life does depend on it).

There was a time a few years ago I’d written about the battle of the…

I just completed the third step with my Al-Anon sponsor, and it involved telling my life story. I had to write it all out, from beginning to end, with particular focus on the parts of my life where I felt like God had been particularly involved in a situation. It was an interesting exercise…I began with my family before I was born, and I went all the way up to today.

Finding all the places where God touched my life was truly enlightening. Particularly, looking at the ugly times, like the sexual abuse. I’d never regarded the denial that kept me…