I’ve had better week-ends.

Yesterday was what I can only describe as a “dull” kind of day. Not dull in the sense that it was boring, but dull in the sense that my emotions were brought to a place that I can only describe as flat, lackluster, colorless, listless…I could go on, but you get the picture. I was in bed, reading, not wanting to do anything remotely physical. I fell asleep and had a horrible dream where I was standing beside my car and, all of a sudden, a SWAT team descended upon it, ripping it to shreds, looking for…

I was out of town yesterday recording a series of panel discussions with “professionals” in the addiction/recovery field for a series of videos that will appear on a national recovery website later on this summer. There I was, surrounded by Ph.D.’s, experts on addiction prevention, treatment, and long-term care and I was the only person in recovery in the group. I was told that for each of these panels, there had to be one person in recovery at the table. On this particular occasion that was me.

We taped four discussions, all revolving around prevention and treatment for addiction in the…

I took a 12 step meeting to the psych ward the other night. I’ve done this regularly in the past year or so and I’ve never come away from that experience without thanking God that I am where I am, even if it’s a really crappy place. This night was no different. There are always two of us that bring the meeting, but no more than two, since often there are only one or two patients that come, and we are conscious of not outnumbering the patients. This time we were both females, and three patients showed up for the…

I had a meltdown in the parking lot of a grocery store the other day and ended up sobbing into my steering wheel. I rarely cry anymore. I have sometimes laid in my bed and tried to force myself to cry, but my tear ducts are like 19th century oil wells that have been sucked dry. I cried a couple of weeks ago at the funeral of a friend of mine who died too young. His son read a poem that I had sung years before when I was the music director at that church. The eventual loss of that…

I just went for a massage - not a regular 60 miinute, $90.00 job, but a mini, 15 minute chair massage. It was all I could afford and someone told me about this guy who gives a chair massage for $15.00. Since that fit into my schedule and my budget, I took a chance. For a quarter of an hour I was in heaven, as this manual magician went up and down my spine, manipulated my shoulders until they were ready to gently slide right out of their sockets, and powerfully caressed my arms and hands with a honey-covered strength…

So…I got the bad news from the dentists. Since I have several different problems with my mouth, I have to see several different dentists - there’s a specialist for everything nowadays, isn’t there? Well, the grand total for 3 lousy teeth that you can hardly see is a whopping $6,000.00 - give or take a couple hundred bucks. I have no health insurance, so that’s a major hit to my wallet (actually it’s a major hit to my credit card), and there are so many other things I would rather do with that kind of money - you know -…

and everyone was drinking! It’s been quite a long time since I’ve been to a party where there was an abundance of alcoholic beverages and everyone seemed to be imbibing. The festivities started at 4:00 p.m. and my boyfriend and I arrived around 6:00 to find many of the guests red-faced (it was not sunny), and very, very friendly. The gathering was held as a birthday party/open house for a dear friend of mine and everyone was to bring a plant for her new yard.

This was a normal party - no one was sloppy drunk, no one was inappropriate, the…

I received this anonymously and wanted to share it with you. I pray that this person, and all of us, remember that in our powerlessness we can find our strength.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior

POWERLESS/UNMANAGEABLE

I used to think powerlessness over my addiction (crack) meant I was powerless after I took the first hit. Today, to me, it means I’m powerless not to take the first hit unless I take action to not take it.

Though I accept mentally, the concept of addiction, the truth is, inside I resent having to do the things I have to do to stay…

The longer I am clean and sober, one day at a time, the more acceptance I gain living life on life’s terms. I have a dear friend who always tells me, “It is what it is”, and this week-end I was given a three day tutorial in which to practice that bit of wisdom. On Friday night I went to my regular 12 step meeting and was intending to visit my “friend” afterward, as he attends a different meeting than I. There was no answer when I called so I went home. He called and said he wasn’t feeling well.…

I cam across this recently and it touched my heart.  May it touch yours.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior

We can’t escape problems and negativity. Escaping just brings denial and suppression - we continue to carry the problem with us. Ironically, it is our lack of acceptance and resistance to the problem that creates the pain. Resistance builds up an energy wall or block that, if not discharged, gets suppressed into the body. These blocks identify places where we have not enough understanding or love.

For health, we must work through what we seek to avoid. How do we do this?…

May 21st has, for many years, been a hard day for me but today, in 2008, it weighs a little more, carries a bit more sadness and right now at 8:35 a.m., feels like it will be a very long day, indeed. You see, twenty years ago today, my mother died. And twenty years ago yesterday, I went out and got totally smashed instead of staying at my mom’s bedside.

My mother had battled ovarian cancer and had just passed her “five year” clearing when she started to have blurred vision. The cancer had spread to her brain and eventually metastisized…

Yesterday I was sitting with my dear friend at Starbucks (where else? There’s one on every corner, you know) having a grande, non-fat, chai tea latte and catching up. We both wanted a cigarette and so we ventured out into the cold, damp afternoon and sat at one of the outside tables near the cigarette receptacle provided for people like us. My friend, who is also in recovery, has been fairly successful in her attempt to quit smoking, but when we are together, my addiction to nicotine sometimes causes her to join me for one more nail in our coffin.

Well,…

etta--every day prior to 2 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 4 days ago:

I am not an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic. I only drink because I have depression. My problem is depression. I can stop. I stopped drinking for 10 years! The only reason I started again is because of the depression. Depression chased away my spouse, led to my illegal firing, caused the loss of almost every penny I had, and finally took my house! What the hell reason do I have not to drink? If you had the uncontrolled, suffocating, debilitating darkness of my life, you would drink,…

My husband seems determined to be a living example of the recovery dictum: Find recovery, or find jails, institutions, or death. I am afraid of the things that are happening in our lives, but I don’t know that anything short of being locked away is going to make him wake up to how much of his life he’s missing.

He is doing a good job of staying clean, if staying clean means not doing heroin. He hits a meeting about twice a week, and he frets a lot about how he’s wasting the limited amount of time he has. He has…

My dad is a scientist, a project manager at Yucca Mountain. It is his job to bury stuff forever; to insure it never sees the light of day and that it can never be pulled out and used to harm people. Kind of like what I tried to do by getting high. I took the problems in my life, little or big, and I wrapped them up tight, buried them, then ran like hell as fast as my little legs could carry me before any of it escaped and I had to deal with it.

The thing is that dope wasn’t…

So, finally, here I am in the waiting room of the Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor. I have been waiting for this appointment for 10 weeks! I have a lump in my face, somewhere around where my gums, my bicuspids and sinus cavity all get connected together and about 3

months ago, they all started a war and the right side of my mouth became the battlefield. After a series of two antibiotics, sinus x-rays, a trip to the Mengele Dental Clinic, and enough nasal spray to keep a herd of elephants breathin’ free and easy for a lifetime, I was…

“It’s different for me. I’m not really an addict/alcoholic. I’m not like those people at all. I’m just having some problems.”

How many times have I said that? Said that and believed it. I guess I’m not unique on that point, either. I work with lots of addicts and alcoholics who tell me the same thing. None of us really thought that it was really possible for us to be addicts or alcoholics.

I had long since admitted that crystal meth was a problem for me. I did crystal meth and terrible things happened. Some thing or situation would arise and I’d…

So, here we are. It’s a Sunday night and my kid and I are having dinner. I’m enjoying some microwavable yet organic chicken and cilantro sausage, a bowl of left over boiled potatoes and zucchini loaded with Jarlsburg cheese, while my offspring eats Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli right out of the can, while smoking a cigarette - kind of Currier and Ives, don’t you think? Anyway, we’re looking at Honda engines on his Mac, which is cause for great boredom for me, but great elation for him. And since I’m the mom, if my kid is happy then I’m happy.…

Grace is a real trickster. When we’re least expecting it, it comes pouring down on us like hot fudge on a soup bowl full of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream (my personal favorite). The warmth of its flow is just the right temperature, softening the delicious, but still frozen form below to a perfect blend of cool and smooth, so that the body can experience pure ecstasy when spoon and tongue meet. Last Sunday Grace delivered such a Sundae (pun intended) to me and the experience still lingers as if the bowl is still half full.

I have two…

I think I may be having one of “those days” - you know, the kind that you just hope you can get through without putting your fist (figuratively or literally) through the wall. The kind where you don’t find anything particularly wonderful to be grateful for, let alone celebrate. The kind where you’re glad it’s cloudy and rainy, so you can wallow just a little bit deeper in your quagmire of self pity. And the kind where, underneath your blouse or sweater, you are wearing your “VICTIM” t-shirt. Yeah, I’m definitely having one of those days.

If I were a flower,…

It started as an innocent gesture…yes, that’s how it always starts, doesn’t it? Let’s see if I can remember…. Ah, yes - It began that week-end in the summer of 2005. I was at a beach house in North Carolina with my sister and her family, who had invited me to spend some time with them during their own family vacation. I adore my nieces and was really looking forward to spending time with them. Little did I know it was to be the beginning of the end for me. Yes, I am here to tell you that something happened…

My kid called me at work yesterday. He usually calls once a day just to check in, which is good, because otherwise I’d be hunting him down in every nook and cranny of this town until I knew he wasn’t where he shouldn’t be. But this time his salutation was different than the usual “Hey, Mom.” He began his greeting with, “Mom, you’ll never believe what just happened to me!” Now, that statement could bring terror into a mother’s heart in a nanosecond, so I wasn’t sure how to reply. “What, honey?”, I asked, trying to hide the trepidation in…

Yesterday was my kid’s birthday - not just any ordinary birthday, mind you. His 21st birthday. For the last couple of months I’ve been asking him what he was going to do on the “big day” and he kept telling me that he probably wouldn’t remember - talked about plans to get rip-roaring drunk with his friends, puke his guts out and properly complete his passage into the world of adulthood. I didn’t want to be overbearing, but as the big day approached I became more and more aware that this was going to be difficult for me.

Let me tell…

I’ve been sick with the crud for over a week now. It started as some kind of “bug” - you know - getting hot and sweaty and then getting the chills and encasing myself in anything thick and cozy to get warm. I spent several parts of many days in bed. I felt o.k. for an hour, thought I was over it, got up and tried to do something and then ended up back in bed, feeling too yucky to read or even watch t.v. I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for my 6 doggies snuggling with…

Yesterday morning I was on the radio! I was interviewed by a syndicated radio show host, a famous writer (He wrote “American’s Mom: The Life, Lessons, and Legacy of Ann Landers“, and “Everybody Pays“, to mention only two, a journalist (writes for the Chicago Tribune), an editor (was actually Ann Landers’ editor) and a noted Chicago historian. He is also the guy, who, in the early 60’s, along with his best friend who happened to be my younger brother, used to grab my pony tail, nail me on the ground, knees pressing my shoulders into the gravel and let a big…

I don’t know where you call home, but I’ve had enough gray and white and wet where I live. Not that it’s been a particularly bad winter, but, you know, the short days, the lack of color in nature’s usually brilliant plumage, the angle at which one tends to walk when out in the cold…that slight bending over of the torso, the clutch of the hands to either hold the scarf or protect the heart from freezing, the focus of the eyes on the ground rather than straight ahead…all that stuff is getting old. I do, however, love boots, sweaters…

Last Wednesday, January 9, 2008, I attended a 12 step meeting and picked up a medallion. I have been in 12 step programs for over 15 years. I did not pick up a 15 year medallion. I did not pick up a 10 year medallion. I did not pick up a 5 year medallion. I picked up a 1 year medallion. One year ago I had a fling with a bottle of pills. Why? I had been clean for quite a long time before that infamous evening. What could have possibly happened that allowed me to throw away all my…

The other night I had a dream, or maybe it was a message from beyond, but in any case, I do know that it was a vivid reminder about the cunning nature of my disease.  It’s the time of year for my anniversary and maybe that’s why my subconscious was peering in dark corners, trying to find some piece of dirt that I had stashed away long ago, and left to fester and rot since my last use.  The peripherals of the dream are fading away but the bottle of pills tightly grasped in my right hand is an image…

Well here it is - the 3rd day of the new year and it feels like an ordinary Thursday in my world. I spent New Year’s Eve going to see a movie, “Charlie Wilson’s War” - in which, by the way, there is a glass of brown liquid in virtually every scene, then went to a cheap Mexican Restaurant in town and ended up in bed by 10:30. There was an all night 12 step marathon, but I took a pass and curled up in my jammies, good book in hand (something totally unrelated to recovery - after all, I…