Addiction has given me such an interesting bag of fears.

Our roommate recently purchased an XBOX 360. He and my husband play and play and play, all day. Here are the things that I fear around the XBOX 360:

I am afraid my husband will pawn it for drugs. We have few fancy electronics left, and I keep the ones that I have under my guard at all times. No matter how well my husband is doing, I am always wary of expensive electronics left unattended. He has paid for lots of heroin with other people’s electronics, and it feels pornographic to…

Great is thy faithfulness, oh God my father,

There is no shadow of turning in thee.

Thy changest not, thy compassions they fail not,

As thou hast been, thou forever will be.

For the last few days, I can’t stop singing this old church song, especially the part about “no shadow of turning.” I think of how much I long for that full, unconditional love, without a shadow of turning. I’ve looked for it my whole life. It’s hard to imagine how I’ve always had it if I’d just looked in the right place. Even when I feel as close to God as I’ve…

My guts won’t catch up with my reality. I wonder if they ever will. If my husband is slightly grumpy, my emotional reaction is to begin to prepare for him to disappear, forever, into the land of addiction. I get really, really tired of myself when I do this.

I know the solution, too…it’s the same old solution to everything. The solution is to pray. The solution is for me to pray for faith - faith that God is going to take care of me, no matter what. Faith that I will find my way. Faith that my husband will find his way,…

There are some people, places, and events in the past that I would prefer cease existing. I was preparing an exercise for a prayer meeting I’m leading soon, and it was based on the Serenity Prayer. I realized that I one of the things I cannot change is that certain people, places, and events in the past exist.

They aren’t going to stop existing. All I can do about these things is pray, and it would be shameful to pray that they stop existing. I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t like it if I prayed that one of his human beings be…

I’ve been walking around with a sense of dread for the last several days because I’ve gotten a new job, and I’d been afraid of having to quit one of my part time jobs to be able to have time for it. I am thrilled with the new job, but the prospect of quitting a job has always been daunting to me. In the past, before recovery, my people pleasing ways would get me so bunched up that I’d do things like never show up again, never pick up a last paycheck, and do my best to avoid ever going…

I had a good day today. There were lots of parts to it, and each part was special.

My favorite part was watching my husband tutor a friend’s kid on her art portfolio. He was an attentive, helpful teacher, and he was gentle in the way he guided her. It made me love him a little bit more than I did before.

I also did some stepwork with one of my sponsees today, and we did it in one of my favorite places in the world. We were at the prayer center where I volunteer, and she read to me her vision…

Whenever my husband and I hit a rocky patch, I quickly dissolve. I presume that the worst days are back, and I need to get ready for a hurricane to hit my life.

We have had a rough couple of days with stupid communication issues. I’m not sure why or what is going on, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not a return to the chaos of active addiction. My response, though, emotionally, is to head down into the basement for safety.

I wonder when I’ll start being able to tolerate little bumps without going into full disaster mode?

I keep telling myself,…

It seems that everything warm has gone out in my home. I keep  a space heater in my bathroom, and its heating element has burned out. The hot water heater was broken for a few days, and so my bath water was tepid at best. Everything seems to have burned out at once. I wonder what it all could mean?

I look for symbols everywhere, and sometimes, I wonder if it might just not mean that I’m broke and responsible for a lot of things that are old and in need of repair.

My husband, in the meantime, is on fire. He’s…

Lately, I find myself completely consumed by the urge to pray. I can’t find the right word here…”urge” is not right. First, I’d typed “desire,” but that’s even less right. Somewhere between “urge” and “command” is the right word…perhaps “compulsion” conveys what I mean, but that word has connotations of “obsessive compulsive,” and it’s not quite right, either.

Over the last few days, though, I find myself waking in the middle of the night, burning with a need to pray for someone. I find myself in the middle of the day needing to find a quiet place to get alone and…

“I wondered if he was married. He’s far too goodlooking to be single!” she said. She’s a woman I met recently through some friends. She seems to want to be my friend. She keeps reaching out to me. “It was only a few minutes, though, after I’d wondered it, that he mentioned you as his wife.”

I felt a chill go down my spine. He is far too goodlooking. I’m not sure what gave me pause.

I am plagued by fear of other women, no matter where they are coming from or what their intentions might be. I have no reason to…

We’ve gotten ourselves a roommate. It was something I was a bit nervous to do at first, as it’s a big change, inviting someone into our home. He’s a good kid, though, and I’ve gotten to know him pretty well over the last few weeks.

I am afraid, though, for this kid. He’s not a proper kid, but he is in his early 20s. He thinks my husband is the coolest - and these days, my husband is the coolest. The first night that he was in our home, though, he handed the $400 in rent money to my husband in…

I got the best present ever from my husband on New Year’s Eve. He held me in his arms and prayed out loud, in public, in a room full of mostly strangers, a prayer of thanksgiving that I am still here, sticking by him, and loving him unconditionally. His words made my heart sing, and the tears that were audible in his voice made it break a little for him. I wondered if a day would ever come when he would be able to tell me that he understood what it meant to love someone who has been so incredibly…

I’ve been praying and thinking a lot over the last few weeks about what I want for my resolutions to be this year. I haven’t felt like I’ve gotten any clear guidance, so I’ve waited and waited to put anything down. I can clarify the concept of what I want in my life this year in one word: Balance. I want to find a healthy work schedule that leaves me time to spend with my husband, my friends, and God. I want time to take care of my body, to get enough rest, and to be able to enjoy my…

We had friends over tonight. It’s the first time we’ve had friends over in a long, long time. There have been folks, yes, but it’s been in emergency situations or when my husband is tattooing someone. This is the first time in years that we’ve had people over for dinner.

It might not seem like a big deal, but it feels like a victory for us. Having a space that is reasonable for guests…space that isn’t completely chaotic with the evidence of our mutual and separate craziness…it’s been a long time since we’ve been able to do it. We are able…

“For God, who said, Let light shine out of darkness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

-2 Corinthians 4: 6-7

I keep bumping into this idea from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, and I love it. Since the beginning of my adventures in seeking God, my image of what God looks and feels like in my life is bright, white light…a glowing…

I had a memory a few nights ago. I was making some hot chocolate for my husband and me, and I had gotten some of that whipped cream in the squirt can to go on top. As I made a pretty whipped cream mountain on top of his mug, I remembered an incident from back in college.

I was with an ex-boyfriend, and we were riding around in my car. I’d begun to get these stirrings. I’d kind of been thinking that the way I was living didn’t make sense. I was kind of tired of all the drugs, drinking, and…

Thank you for visiting my planet. I can’t imagine why you would. We are such an ugly, stinky, terrible lot. But thank you, anyway, for loving us and coming down to join us for awhile.

I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you for so long. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you, and that I still don’t sometimes. Tonight, I can see how foolish it is not to trust you, but sometimes, I’m so afraid that you mean me harm.

I am away from my husband, my most precious thing. Tonight, I am trusting that you have him in the palm of…

It’s kind of like being forced to eat vegetables, except for the part where I really like vegetables. I’ve taken on a few writing projects lately that are making me tired, and I just committed to one more. They aren’t work projects…they are my own. It’s been a long time since I’ve written stuff, just for me, outside of the recovery writing I do here and that I did on my old blog. I’ve done tons of freelance writing work over the last few years, but very little writing.

Just writing. Just me and some words, wrestling it out.

I’ve been doing…

I’ve always thought that I wanted to know the truth. When my husband slips, I’ve always believed that it would be better if he would reveal to me what happened. Sometimes, though, when I get the truth, I think I could have fared better without it.

A few days ago, my husband confessed to having money months ago that he spent on pain pills. He’d done some work and not told me about it, and he’d spent the money on drugs. I knew that he’d relapsed then, but I hadn’t known about the money.  He felt like he needed to get…

Hi God. It’s me.

I wanted to take a few minutes right in the middle of my day to thank you. Thank you so, so much for the way my life is taking shape over the last few months. Thank you for the changes in my work. Thank you for my new friends and mentors. Thank you for the work you are doing in my husband’s life and for the people you have put around him for support and encouragement.

Thank you for friends. Thank you for community. Thank you for the sweet, warm people you’ve put in my life to buoy…

I got to share some of the best medicine I’ve ever gotten today. A friend was struggling with her husband, and she’d thrown him out of the house in a fit of aggression last night. When he came home this morning, she’d sheepishly welcomed him back.

I know that roller coaster. I know that feeling: I should make him leave! I don’t want him to leave, ever!

That conflict is so hard to digest. I was in that spot myself, and my Al-Anon sponsor recommended a 30 day prayer. It was one of the best, most clarifying things I’d ever done to…

I met with one of my sponsees to talk about her stepwork for a few hours last week, and she also brought some yarn and crochet hooks. She wanted me to show her how to make a hat, so she could give handmade hats to her relatives as Christmas gifts.

I’ve been crocheting for years. I can make all kinds of beautiful things. My stitches are fast, even, and fancy. I don’t mean to brag - at least not much. It’s just something I do well, as I’ve practiced a lot.

She kept getting frustrated that her stitches weren’t as even as…

Tenant in Possession: Fear

Leased Premises: My Heart, Mind, and Spirit

To: Tenant Above Inhabiting Said Premises

You are hereby notified that you must vacate the premises. Now. Take all your belongings with you. Take your entire family. Take your residue. Fumigate the place. Get out of my heart, mind, and head. Go. Now.

Failure to comply will result in a vigorous exorcism through the means of my impending fourth and fifth step with my Al-Anon sponsor. You served your purpose, and I’ve paid my dues to you, but you will no longer riddle my walls and weaken my foundations. You will no longer…

Ahh, it is so frustrating when it’s all spread out. When everything is off the shelves, all the parts are scattered everywhere. You can’t even see the floor, which needs cleaning itself. It’s underneath all the other things that used to be on shelves, in drawers. Granted, they were on the wrong shelves and haphazardly piled into drawers, but they were invisible. You could pretendthey weren’t there. It was easier that way.

Or it was kind of easier that way. It wasn’t easier when you wanted to find something, or when you wanted to wear something and it was all wrinkled.…

I hate money. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate thinking about it. I hate dealing with it. I hate negotiating with other people about it. It is exhausting and sickening and tiring.

I just quit a job. It paid pretty well for a freelance gig, but the boss was really nasty. I’m not sure if it was a mistake or not. I’ve never quit a job before, at least not because I was unhappy or felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly. Usually, I just smile and pretend like it’s all going to be ok.

It’s a big step for me…

Hi God. It’s me.

I’m struggling with a little bit of anxiety tonight. My husband is at a men’s fire pit. I want him to come home, and he’s not home yet. It reminds me of other times when he wasn’t home. I know where he is. I want him to be there, even, but I want him to be here, with me, at the same time.

I want this removed from me, please. When we were first married, I relished my alone time. I relished my privacy, and I enjoyed when we’d have some space. I always welcomed him back, of…

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for the many blessings you’ve given me. This year, there have been new friends, new lessons, and important changes in my life and in my relationship with my husband. Thank you for those lessons, even the hard ones.

Thank you for providing me with the resources that I need for all the hard times, for the relapses and the abandonment and all the little stuff in between. Thank you for the gift of wonderful, loving girlfriends who are always ready to eat with me or pray with me or talk to me on the…

Now and then, I get a real hankering for justice. I start obsessing about how my husband should be carrying around a little bit of my pain for me. I think that I should sit him down and explain to him all the ways that all the various things he’s done have hurt me. I want a witness, and I want it to be him. I want to recite my litany of offenses. I want him to look at me and to see all the bits and pieces of my heart. I want to hand it to him.

And man, when…

It’s me.

I have been fighting with you a lot over the last few days. I don’t know why. I know who will win this fight. I’m glad you love me even when I pick fights with you.

I’m hurting, though, because there are needs I have that only you can meet, and I really don’t want you to be the one to meet those needs. I really, really want my husband to see me, hear me, and love me in the ways that only you can. I’m sorry I don’t want you, but I don’t. I want him.

I don’t know why.…

It’s a little weird when things get too quiet. I wait, quietly, for the next, big blowup. Sometimes, I’ll even spontaneously combust. I’ve grown accustomed to action.

I had a fight with my husband last night, and then I had a fight with God. I was feeling neglected, tired, and worn out. My husband tried to comfort me, and I was all prickly, and finally, I pricked him just right. It was like a volcano.

I hope that one day we won’t need this volcano anymore. I am proud of him - he’s got a new job, new friends, and is doing…