It’s good to have it be Saturday, and I’m grateful for getting a good night’s sleep. Even a simple thing like having it be Saturday is something to be grateful for. One of the things that is helpful with recovery is to have a gratitude list.

I thought that this concept seemed strange when I first heard about it since I guess I’d always felt the things that pleased me rather than actually listing them. My first gratitude list came after a particularly low period  when I felt a lot of self-pity and frustration about my life. My sponsor suggested that…

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was One Day at a Time. Because I was on the other side of town, I couldn’t make my regular Al-Anon meeting so I went to a nearby AA meeting. It was interesting to hear the alcoholics’ perspective since I’ve heard so much about ODAT in Al-Anon.

What I heard about self-pity, fears, and expectations were identical to sharings of Al-Anon without alcohol being in the mix. One person talked about escaping through alcohol because of not wanting to face fears. Once the alcohol was eliminated, then there were other means…

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally “get it” about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I’m actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else’s fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their…

I had the old anxiety dream last night in which I was alone and looking for the person that I love. It always ends the same way in which I find the person who wants nothing to do with me and is drunk. This is a recurring dream of fear and loss that I have had throughout the duration of my marriage. A therapist once described it as post-traumatic stress syndrome from the anxiety over drinking. I think that it goes deeper and right to my childhood where I became fearful of being left alone by one or both parents.…

At last night’s Al-Anon meeting, we talked about Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is a step in which I can either choose to get lost in all my character defects or accept my limitations and let my HP take over. Through step one I’ve learned that I can’t control people, places or things, especially the alcoholic. In Step Two I accepted that a power greater than me can help me, nurture me and restore me to sanity.

For me, I think about three…

When I first started in Al-Anon, I thought that there was a different language being spoken. There are a lot of phrases that are used such as “One Day at a Time”, “Let go and let God” “How important is it?” and many others. One of the acronyms that I could identify with was F.I.N.E. which means F–kedup, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. How true those adjectives fit me!

I came into the program after a lot of years of frustration, anger, self-pity, denial and low self-esteem. I always thought that I was a bit of a loner, although I like people.…

When I first walked into an Al-Anon meeting, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was at a very low point emotionally and knew that I needed to get some help. They say in AA that you have to hit bottom before you recognize the problem and get with the program, or else you die. I guess you can say that I had pretty much hit bottom emotionally. I felt empty and tired of everything. I had pushed myself to work, do chores, and keep life moving along by sheer determination. My “qualifier” and SO wasn’t getting any better in…

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is my favorite step. I like it because it incorporates all that I’ve put into action through the previous nine steps. But most of all, it means that it’s okay for me to recognize and admit my mistakes promptly and then move on.

Step 10 means that I take my own inventory and not someone else’s. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to take the alcoholic’s inventory. But that isn’t what this is about. And this step isn’t about my being right. It’s about my having…

Have you ever noticed how the small things make people happy? I think that sometimes it’s just a smile or an expression that you care that can make a person’s day.

Yesterday I took some time to go with a good friend to visit his aunt. She is 80 years old. She lives alone now, after the death of her husband three years ago. She seemed to be thrilled to have a visit from us. We drove her around the town for about 30 minutes because she doesn’t drive anymore. She wanted to show her nephew some of the places from…

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about step four. One of the guys that I sponsor is working on his step four inventory.  In Al-Anon there is a work book called Blueprint for Progress that is used to help with this step which is a “searching and fearless moral inventory” to include resentments, fears, harms to others, and sexual conduct. I’ve heard that some people fear this step. When I did my Step Four, I looked forward to doing this work. I’ve been to therapists and told them my story. With Al-Anon, I think that this step was more helpful…

The topic for my home group meeting last night was dealing with unacceptable behavior. This is a topic that I struggle with often. My meter for unacceptable behavior can have a wide range. I’m dealing with an alcoholic in recovery so drunken acting out isn’t an issue. But angry outbursts and self-centeredness still occur. I can usually shrug off unacceptable behavior in the people that I love, but there are times when I simply buy into what’s going on and build a resentment. And eventually that resentment leads to anger.

I have learned to inventory my feelings. And I know that…

I’ve been wanting to comment on this for a while. If you’ve been going to meetings for a while, yet you still feel unrest and unsettled, maybe there is something else that could be done to remedy the situation.

It’s not the external things that are unmanageable, although at times they can cause a lot of heartache. It’s the inward unmanageability that made me miserable for so long. For me, I felt discontent, out of sorts with myself and others, and generally unhappy. With my disease of thinking, I had to get at the root of those issues that had affected…

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. Or maybe a break through.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn’t want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my….CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control…

There’s been a lot of pain in meetings about having addicted children. At a meeting today, a mother expressed her sorrow and helplessness over having a son who is squandering his life. She said that he came home with clothes all wet and was hallucinating, telling her of the strange things that he was seeing climbing the draperies and floating through the air. She called EMS who came and got him. But there were no beds available at the hospitals so he was released still high and hallucinating.

Her question was what can she do? She wants to help him but…

Today at a meeting we shared about the commonalities that seem to be consistent within the program. And one of the most common of the commonalities was that we choose to be involved with alcoholics/addicts.

I can look back over relationships in my past and know that during high school and college, I seemed to be attracted to people who were wounded in some fashion, mostly by alcohol. I felt most comfortable with the people who appeared to be different. Those were the ones that for some twist of fate, I would want to talk to, get to know, and end…

I think that the idea of having separate fellowships via Tradition Six is an excellent one and needs to be observed at meetings. In general, the sixth tradition is observed but occasionally someone will identify themselves with the “other” fellowship or quote out of non-conference approved literature. In one meeting, a lady read from A Beautiful Boy.

Generally, someone will come over after the meeting and remind the people who committed the faux pas that in Al-Anon, we only speak Al-Anon, share our E, S, and H and use Conference Approved Literature (CAL). There are lots of reasons for this. When…

In Step 8, I had to make a list of the people I’d harmed. The guiding rule for this step has to be that they were harmed. But I’ve also read that they have to know that I’ve hurt them. If I made amends in Step 9 to someone I’d hurt in ways that they didn’t know, then I would be harming them by trying to make amends. I think that the exception to this would be theft. But a basic thought in making amends is to do no harm.

In making amends, I have had to feel that the time…

When I first started in Al-Anon, I shared but often felt a little apprehensive. There was still a lot of pain going on in my life. And there were meetings where I felt uncomfortable. After going to a lot of meetings, I’ve found that there has only been a time or two that I didn’t share. And I’ve found that the meetings I go to are the ones where I do feel comfortable.

I’ve found that I get a lot out of listening to others. In fact, I would much rather listen to others than actually talk. But there is something…

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.–Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve said that there are three phrases that I want to eliminate from my thinking: “What if”, “Yes, but” and “I know”. When I use these phrases, my ego is usually in charge and I’m…

Here are some more thoughts from reading The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Here are some quotes that I particularly liked.

I am less interested in people’s articulated spiritual beliefs or political philosophies and more interested in whether or not they are true to themselves even when it costs them something, whether or not they can be kind when it is easier to be indifferent, whether or not they can remember that to be human is to be flawed and spectacular and deeply compassionate. (p. 15)

I think to just be yourself when everyone is looking is an accomplishment. And being compassionate…

I’ve been wondering whether a good friend of mine might not be a “dry drunk”. So I looked up what I could find on dry drunk syndrome. The traits consist of:

• Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
• Grandiose behavior
• A rigid, judgmental outlook
• Impatience
• Childish behavior
• Irresponsible behavior
• Irrational rationalization
• Projection
• Overreaction

He has been sober for 17 years but there are times when I find him to be so mentally and emotionally chaotic and lacking in responsibility that I wonder whether he really has a program that he practices. Most of the time, he is a good friend and enjoyable to be around. But there are other times when his approach…

I was listening to a speaker last night describe how hard it is to keep the focus on himself. He has two adult sons who are addicts. He said that it’s hard for him to keep quiet around them because he wants them to get a sponsor, work the steps and read literature, and do all the other things in order to keep them from relapsing. In short, he said that he has a hard time just keeping quiet. He wants so badly for them to stay in AA and do everything possible to stay clean.

It was an interesting discussion…

I’ve heard people say that having low expectations seems like a negative way to think.  I don’t see it that way. I have learned that an expectation is nothing more than a resentment in the making. What that means is if I expect someone to behave a certain way and they don’t, then I become resentful.

The only one I can have expectations of is myself because I am the only one I can control. I can have *hope* of certain things, but I cannot expect. I can hope my alcoholic doesn’t drink today, but I can’t expect her not to.…

I was reminded yesterday of how difficult sometimes it is to have relationships. Things can go along just great for a while and then WHAM, there is an impasse that happens. I have had difficulties with relationships over the years because of looking to someone else to give me what I never received as a kid.

I think that things have improved a lot through Al-Anon. I have lessened expectations and have felt happy doing those things that I like to do. Yet, there are times that I know that I look for reactions from another in order to validate feelings…

Today is a day of love. I think that everyday should be about love. Love for myself, love for others, for my HP and all that good stuff that keeps the species ticking along.

But this is Valentine’s Day, and we’ve planned to have a good dinner, give some cards and gifts to each other, and enjoy a good relaxed feeling. It’s the relaxed feeling that I’ve come to realize is the lasting feeling.

I remember when love was all anxiety and hot stuff. It was a rocket ride that occurred in my body and mind. If I think back to my…

When I first heard the term “double winners”, I didn’t really care for it. I couldn’t see who would “win” anything by being in AA and in Al-Anon. It seemed more like double losers. Nothing was won in a competition or even a lottery unless there’s some sort of cosmic lotto that determines who stays sober and who doesn’t.

But now I realize that those who have been in AA for a while and come to Al-Anon have been twice blessed. An AA who has found alanon or an alanon who has found AA is fully working the programs to their…

I had the meeting topic last night. I had thought about a topic but decided to change it after I received a call from a fellow Al-Anoner. He was dealing with some painful feelings around changes in a relationship. So I went with a reading from the new Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses about loss of a relationship.

I know that alcoholism has affected my life in lots of ways. And there have been feelings of grief and loss. Maybe I only felt the anger though and didn’t recognize my feelings as being those of grief.

I don’t think…

One of the topics that I’ve been reading about and that has come up in a recent meeting was how ego can keep us focused on our pain. Here are some things that I’ve read about being ego-centered:

• Ego-centered people don’t love themselves. They become ego-centered to overcompensate for the fact that they don’t love themselves.
• Ego does nothing for anyone else without expecting something in return. Ego-centered people are constantly striving for the next achievement or the next pay-off so they can feel self-important. The reality is that they are not “self” important.
• Ego-centered people may actually dislike themselves and are very…

I’ve had the pleasure of telling my story at several meetings recently.  I enjoy doing it.  I didn’t think that I would. I’m a fairly serious guy and mostly I don’t think that talking about alcoholism and its affects on my life provides a lot of humorous material.  Plus,  I don’t think that it’s a particular dramatic story. And maybe because of that, people will be able to identify with it. It’s pretty much your run of the mill story of a person who has been affected by alcoholism for an entire life.

It seems that many people I listen to…

There are times that I start to project and get anxious about things that I have to get done. Stuff at work, around the house, with Al-Anon service and so on. And there are times that things seem to be a bit overwhelming. I can feel the anxiety start to rise in me, followed by guilt and a replaying of the old tapes that tell me to get everything done regardless of the cost to my emotional health. That’s when I need to take a deep breath, step back, and do a quick inventory. Situations that create anxiety in me…