I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. I am one of the seemingly few in recovery who didn’t screw over everyone and everything in my path on my way to recovery. It seems many fellow 12-steppers have an arm’s length list of people to apologize to as part of their process. I’m not special or better than any of them. I just happen to have been a solo, isolated drinker with a high bottom. My amends list consisted of four people, and none of my infractions had anything to do with my drinking–just with me being an asshole! Like I…

Whew…it’s been a mixed up, emotionally charged, hectic couple of weeks in this little life of mine. Here’s the summary.

**Ten days ago I ran the “comeback” race I’ve been waiting for, finishing 3rd out of 492 runners in a women’s 5K. Elation. Relief. Excitement. Confidence.

**Ten days ago, a couple hours later, I learned my friend Jeannie had fallen into a coma and was expected to die within the day–weeks, even months before anyone expected. Sadness. Grief. Regret. Anger.

**Eight days ago my friend Jeannie died. I never did see her in the last month prior to her death, but I am grateful that I…

In this last week before my marathon, a time when only marathon, marathon, marathon typically occupies my brain, I have only other thoughts. My friend Jeannie is still hanging on. I’m not surprised. She’s one resilient lady. She is surrounded by family and friends 24 hours a day. Her CaringBridge site is inundated with gushing praise, love, admiration and support. She’s touched and changed lives from coast to coast. Recovery will do that, and she is a shining example of what living The Twelve Steps can do. I will miss her.

Addendum: My friend Jeannie quietly passed away just before 1:00 PM…

I ran a big woman’s race yesterday called Women Run the Cities, which benefited the Ann Bancroft Foundation. Ann is an internationally famous explorer, the first woman to both the North and South Pole. Her foundation aims to “inspire courage, risk-taking, integrity, and individuality in girls and women.” I finished third.
I finished THIRD overall. Quite an exhilarating surprise…

Expecting to write an exhilarating post about my race, I arrived home to a message saying my friend Jeannie was about to die. This is only days after I talked with her (thanks to the feedback from TSR readers), and months before anyone…

Ever have one of those days where the past smacks you in the face over and over again? I created one of those days today. I’ve been missing some important items for a few years, and I set out to find them today. Why have I been missing things? As I’ve remarked here previously, I had ECT treatments for my treatment-resistant depression. As a result, I lost my memory–totally–and therefore lost a few years of my life. I moved into this house right in the middle of that lost time period. I don’t remember packing or moving so it’s not…

This day could not be more beautiful. Bluer than blue skies, wispy white clouds, warm sun mixed with cool, dry air. It is a day to behold, an awesome and awe-inspiring day. Today reminds me I am but one minute particle in this enormous collage we call the world. I am so grateful. It’s a beautiful day.

I picked her up from school. We said our hellos. She is quiet and shy. She often looks uncomfortable in her own, ever-changing skin. I remember… Thirteen is a tough age, especially for a girl. I wouldn’t do it again if you paid me!

In…

A church I passed posed this question on it’s sign, “What is fair?” I’ve been pondering that question ever since. I guess that’s exactly what the church hoped would happen. What is fair? I’ve known since an early age that “life” was not the correct answer. Tonight, I was reminded of that with more clarity than I ever needed.
——————-

My friend Jeannie is dying. My friend Jeannie, whom I know from the rooms of recovery, entered hospice today. My friend Jeannie was just diagnosed with inoperable, deadly, liver cancer a couple months ago. She may not make it to Christmas. My…

About a month ago, I wrote a post here about my trials and tribulations with dating again. Well, the saga, which I thought was over, continues. And I need some help on this one!

In a nutshell: cool dude asks me out via online dating service. Met for coffee and a walk. Dude revealed that he had “quit drinking” years ago, but he doesn’t really work an AA program, although he attends meetings “with friends” sometimes. I’m a bit concerned. I did it that way for awhile, too. I was still an asshole–maybe more so without alcohol! Made more plans for…

BIG NEWS!!

Puck’s running again!
For those of you unaware, Puck is my beautiful boy, i.e. black lab. He is also my running partner–has been since he was 6 months old. Puck ruptured his left ACL and tore the lateral meniscus while playing ball–his FAVE–on Memorial Day Weekend. One week later, the torn meniscus was resected, and he underwent ACL reconstruction. It was awful. He was in a lot of pain, and rehab has been long and difficult. He’s had trouble gaining full flexion in his reconstructed knee, which means he’s also had trouble re-building the muscles in that leg. He’s been…

A while back, I wrote a post here which was titled, I Suck at Meditation. It’s true. I do. If you’re interested, check out that post, and you’ll realize I’m not lying. However, today I realized I was actually performing an act of meditation while on my run! Mindfulness is probably more descriptive of what I was doing, but mindfulness is meditation, right? Since I’m part of the running, health and fitness group on this site, I thought I’d share my mindfulness technique. I used it to help me get through today’s tough workout. If you’re just starting out with…

Football! I love football. I love it so much, that I’ve begun watching college ball, too. That way, I can watch a game–umm, okay, games–on Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday! Whoa! I wonder if there’s a 12-step group for football fans? Not for me, of course. I don’t have a problem. I can stop watching any time I want to, but I don’t want to! Besides, I don’t watch as much as some people, and I’m not hurting anyone anyway.

Seriously, I do love football, and I mention it today because that’s what I’m doing right now, watching football. Sundays…

I had just arisen. It was a beautiful, fall, Tuesday morning. As a full-time PT who worked four ten hour shifts, I always looked forward to my Tuesday’s off. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, as I opened the back door to allow Puck to escape. Wandering sleepily back into the kitchen, I clicked on the counter top TV. I had just straightened up after fetching Puck’s rations from a bottom cabinet when something surreal flashed before my eyes. “What the,” I asked aloud? I turned up the volume. The Good Morning America hosts–apparently I hadn’t taken the time…

I haven’t written much recently, as I have been struggling with fatigue, or more definitively, somnolence. My doc and I have slowly figured out that one of the major causes of my slower-than-normal running pace is a significantly increased heart rate. Recently, we realized the culprit behind the increased heart rate was one of my most beneficial medications. It is a med I take primarily for fatigue. Fatigue became a significantly debilitating symptom of my depression about 2-3 years ago. This med, once I started it, changed my life. I was able to function again.

One significant piece of my functioning…

Something wonderful happened last weekend. I attended the Hiawathaland Get-together in SE Minnesota. It was a weekend filled with AA, Al-anon, and Al-ateen fellowship. Three days were filled with speakers from around the world. Five-hundred people attended.

I’ve gone to this event for the past 3-4 years, but this year was different. In previous years I heard the speakers. They were interesting and entertaining. This year, however, I HEARD the speakers. They were interesting, entertaining, and they moved me. I listened to them. I identified with them. They spoke my language. I recognized our common experience. I contemplated their message. Though…

For those unaware, I am in the midst of training for a marathon. Only 30 days left until race day, and my first 20-miler is scheduled for this weekend. Marathon training is a bit all-consuming. A bit…HA! I realize all-consuming is not necessarily ideal when in recovery. Balance…I can hear my sponsor now. Balance. Marathon training is not conducive to life balance. Yes, I am a bit out of balance–necessarily so–but is that the reason for my lethargy? I don’t know, but I don’t want to do anything right now, and most of the time, I don’t even care.

Besides running…

So here I go again…revealing my life to you in hopes that this time I won’t have to write about getting dumped in my next post. Yup, that’s right. I went on a date…again. This dating thing, while exciting, kind of sucks to tell you the truth. I’m too old for this!
I’m too old to get all pretty, hoping to convince a stranger that I’m worth a look. I’m too old to pretend to be interested in uninteresting topics in order to keep a conversation going. I’m too old to smile too much, laugh too long, and stand too tall–whew,…

the problem with revealing my life to all of you
is when things go badly,
i must reveal that too.

i had a date.
the date went well.
we liked each other a lot.
he thought I, and I thought him
to be quite swell.

plans were made
to see each other again.
and the very next day
more plans were made,
so we might see one another
sooner than planned before.

but when tomorrow came
something suddenly interfered
and the plan was cancelled.
no big deal,
or so I thought.

until,
“i’ll call you back in 5 minutes.”
went totally unfulfilled.
my concern was piqued,
as the phone sat silent
cruelly taunting me.

i’m being too sensitive, i thought.
until…

“i’ve moved on so i must…

As China readied itself for the Olympics, many funny translations began popping up around the country. I particularly liked this one.

We’ll see you after we land, Grandpa!

I ran a half-marathon today. What does that have to do with recovery? Well, drinking alcohol doesn’t mix well with running fast. Also, if I were still drinking, I wouldn’t give a crap about racing–(whiny voice) it’s tooooo hard! Racing is challenging, but not necessarily in the way you might think. Today, as in most other races, my biggest competitor was me. Actually, it was my insecure, fearful, negative brain. That’s the brain one is stuck with when depression brain and alcoholic brain combine. Yikes!
So, as usual, I spent most of my race in combat with my brain. It was…

So…I have a date tomorrow night. This is a big, big deal. I’ve been single now for several years, and I’m at the age where I just figured this was the way things were going to stay. But then I got a wild hair and joined Match.com, and…

Here’s the thing. I’ve already told him I’m in recovery. He sort of is, too. He doesn’t drink. But I’ve got a LOT more crap than that in my closet! How about having a mental illness? When do I spring that one on him? How about having a mental illness which is so…

I’m running. I’m running. I love running. I’m free. I’m serene. I’m focused.

There’s a half-eaten Snickers in my path. It’s been bitten, chewed and thrown away. It’s crawling with bugs. The wrapper is torn and faded. It’s clearly very old.
I notice it, step over it, and continue on. I don’t give it a second thought.

I’m running. I’m running. I love running. I’m free. I’m serene. I’m focused.

There’s half a bottle of liquor in my path. It’s been opened, consumed and thrown away. It’s crawling with bugs. The label is torn and faded. It’s clearly very old.
I notice it.
I think about…

Awareness not ammunition…Is that not the coolest quote you have ever heard? It was uttered this morning by a woman celebrating one year of sobriety. Everyone in the room jolted upright when she spit it out. She and her sponsor had made it up, she said. Rather than dwelling on the past, she explained, this quote reminds her to look back on it briefly and introspectively. Powerful. I get it.

I get it, but I haven’t always done it. Perhaps that’s why the thought resonated so strongly with me. If I stay too long in my rear view mirror, this is…

I just returned from my Monday morning topic meeting, and UGH!!!! I am so frickin’ frustrated, disappointed and angry! The topic this morning was…wait for it…wait for it…DEPRESSION! We read a couple paragraphs from the Big Book about working with others, especially when we feel pitiful, resentful, or self-absorbed. I couldn’t agree more! Feeling bad? Get out of yourself, work with another alcoholic, get some perspective, and get over it! When I commented on the reading this morning, I reiterated that.

However, I totally disagreed that the selection was about “depression.” I explained that my depression is a biological, treatable illness…

even when we feel like crap
life still goes on.
even when we feel like shit
the world continues around us.

i learned long ago
the world didn’t stop for me.
good knowledge to have
don’t you think?

so even though i feel like crap
today
yesterday
and the day before that,
expectations must still be met.
that is the definition of expectation
after all.

expectations must be met
or i fear i will fall
away

where is away?
i do not know.

can there
be any worse
than
here?

“Loony tunes,” he said, and he didn’t mean the cartoon.
I bristled when he uttered those words at a recent AA meeting, although I’m sure the offending member meant no harm. Why do those words make me bristle? Let me tell you.

Can you think of any other biological, treatable, medical illness that carries more stigma than mental illness. You may think, “Yes! Alcoholism or addiction!” But today, we are much more likely to know when a friend or co-worker is hospitalized for alcoholism or drug abuse than when they are hospitalized for mental illness. Even among alcoholics, mental illness is seen…

i’m stressed because i want to write something really meaningful in this space. i always want to write something really meaningful in this space. i want to help, and i’m a bit of a perfectionist, something i am sure nobody else here can understand. but the truth is, i can’t write anything meaningful tonight. sitting here at my computer is taking all the energy i have to give. the truth is, i can’t remember half of the day or most of last night, and not because i drank. i don’t have the energy to drink. the truth is, my thoughts feel…

He was ascending the long set of outdoor steps. I was descending, and we passed. A new face, unfamiliar, I hadn’t seen him before. Perhaps because he was unfamiliar, or perhaps because of the serious intent with which he climbed, he caught my eye. And what about that black bag slung over his shoulder? I glanced back and viewed an elongated, rounded form straining the nylon fabric from within. Perhaps his serious intent, unfamiliar face, and the unknown contents of his bag cumulatively aroused my suspicion and fear. Perhaps. I’m not sure.

Of one thing I am sure, however. I wouldn’t…

Strong, unexpected emotions.
Danger.
Danger.
Danger.

I know what works
I know what cures
I know what numbs
Strong, unexpected emotions.

Danger.
Danger.
Danger.

Hmmm…that looks good.
Hmmm…I wish I could do that.
Hmmm…so what if I did?

If I did,
I know it would work
I know it would cure
I know it would numb
Strong, unexpected emotions.

Strong, unexpected emotions.
Danger.
Danger.
Danger.

In my last post, I noted that faith requires not only courage but also practice. I can’t expect faith to arrive on my doorstep if I do nothing to summon it.  Likewise, I can’t hope that faith will stick around for the journey if I do nothing to entertain it. I have to practice living with faith in order to trust it will comfort me in my time of need. Sobriety, too, requires practice.

When I set down my last drink, I no more understood what I was getting into than I did the first time my father put a…

The Courage of Faith–that was the topic at my morning meeting yesterday. We read one paragraph from the Big Book, and a 50 minute lively discussion ensued. It was one of those meetings where just about everything said twisted my thinker. Courage of faith? I thought faith was for weenies!

That’s what I thought when I came into AA. Faith was synonymous with religion, and my view of religion had long since gone down the toilet. My experience with religious zealots proved to me that religion led to hypocrisy and judgmentalness. I was also fiercely independent and didn’t think someone should…