It was just three days of my life. Day two was definitely the most difficult. The fruit cleanse had one day remaining, and I didn’t feel so hot. I had a cup of coffee on day one to stave off a headache, but day two I went without. I was a bit head-achy and lethargic most of the day. I took two naps to deal with both, but by evening I was still head-achy, fatigued, and a bit nauseous. I ate some miso soup for dinner, which was allowed, and poof, I felt better. Must have been the salt…

Day three…

As part of my 40 days of yoga revolution, I am in the midst of a 3-day fruit fast. It’s actually not a fast, more like a cleanse. Three days of nothing but fruit, which began yesterday and ends tomorrow. It’s going pretty well so far. In order to avoid a headache at work yesterday, I did have one cup of coffee. I didn’t work today, and I’ve made it all the way through without caffeine.  Other than that one coffee, I’ve had nothing but fresh fruit for almost 48 hours. It’s been very interesting.

Fortunately, the coordinators of our 40-day…

I’ve been thinking a lot about humility lately. I’m not sure why. Nothing special going on that I know of…just thinking, I guess. Perhaps it’s because I’m in the midst of sponsoring my first 4th step. Worried that I’m not giving the right direction to my sponsee. Worried that I’m forgetting important things, even though all the directions I need are right there in the Big Book. I’m not sure why this brings about thoughts of humility… Perhaps it’s the fact that I feel I’m “holding” another human’s sobriety gently in my hands. It’s a big responsibility. It’s humbling.

Maybe I’m thinking about…

What if there were an alcoholic gene? Anyone who had this gene was sure to be an alcoholic. What if you were informed your child had it?  What would you think? What would you do? 

She asked us, “What if you said YES to everything? What if, instead of taking yourself out by saying, ‘I can’t,’ you kept yourself connected by saying, ‘I can, or at least I’ll try?’” We were in the midst of a very difficult balancing pose at the time. Our forever hopeful, helpful, and happy yoga instructor was coolly pacing about the room of sixty sweaty, breathy bodies. She was encouraging, cajoling, and inquiring as she passed. “What if you said yes to everything?” And I thought, “Hmmmm…what if?”

What if I said yes to everything? What would happen? Or as our…

I got to sleep in this morning! Whew… After weeks of 4:25 AM, getting up 4 hours later feels luxurious!

It’s been a few days since I’ve written here. I apologize for that. I’ve been busy, uh…meditating! Well, not really, for I still suck at meditation. I made it 10 minutes yesterday, but that was the first time I actually attempted meditating this week! Do any of you meditate? If so, I’d love to hear how you got started or what works for you.

I’m supposed to be doing this twice a day, ten minutes each time. It’s a requirement of this…

Up, down, in, out…breathe, breathe!
Dogs and cobras and swans.
Dead bugs, pigeons and camels.
Thunderbolts and warriors

Sun salutes and prayer twists. Prayer twist–that one comes with the instruction, “Ring out your guts. Twist from the base of your spine all the way up. Squeeze every internal organ you’ve got.” Geez, I thought yoga was supposed to be kind and gentle! I was mistaken.

It’s day nine of my 40 Days of Yoga Personal Revolution class. Not only am I learning all kinds of interesting lingo, I’m sore as hell! Well, okay, maybe only sore as heck. It’s likely half of my soreness is…

It’s day two of my personal revolution. We’re talking yoga, journaling, food diary, meditation, water, and more yoga! For some reason, I decided it would be a grand idea to sign up for this intensive course, which is being offered through The Dan Abraham Healthy Living Center–the health club associated with my employer. Just for chuckles, following is the opportunity which I just couldn’t pass up!

**Yoga from 5:10-6:10 AM every Monday through Friday and 7:00 AM on Saturdays.
**Studying the book, “40 Days to a Personal Revolution.”
**Completing the very personal journaling assignments in the book and as instructed.
**Meditating for at least…

Somebody at last night’s New Year’s Eve party referred to Prince’s old song, 1999, and said, “Remember when that song came out, and 1999 seemed so far away?” Everyone in the room, a bunch of 30 and 40-somethings, nodded aggressively. I was in high school when 1999, the song, came onto the scene, and I was just beginning my introduction to alcohol. 

College in the late 80’s and early 90’s solidified my position as a “social” binge drinker–mostly in conjunction with my sports teams. It wasn’t until long after 1999 that I began my alcoholic drinking odyssey. It took about three years for me to…

It’s 5:15AM, and I’m awake. I’m not typically awake at 5:15AM, but these are unusual days. Thinking at 5:15AM, after too little sleep, is an interesting adventure. Fortunately, sometimes adventures are interesting and fruitful. Let me explain.

Yesterday, at the suggestion of myself, I decided to write a gratitude list. I thought that was a pretty good suggestion from an alcoholic momentarily sponsoring herself! Last night at a meeting, I spoke about taking people and things for granted. My sleep-deprived brain must have recalled that conversation. This morning I was jolted with the realization that I’d left one large…er, huge item off my gratitude list.…

My depression has been off the charts lately. I went through a brief period of hypomania, complete with excess spending, lack of need for sleep, and pressured speech, which was fun. But last week, I fell faster than a dead bird from the sky and crashed so hard it physically hurt. This prompted my psychiatrist to wonder about the possibility of bipolar disorder! WHAT???? Whatever the diagnosis, however, the pain is unchanged.

I’m so tired of talking about the pain. I’m so tired of battling the pain. I’ve been locked up in my incredibly disorganized and messy home, unable to sleep,…

Now it’s my sponsor.

She
has
cancer.

“I don’t know where my next meal will come from,” the office manager said. She hadn’t eaten in two days. He said, “I’m a lawyer. My wife is a lawyer. We used to donate to this food shelf. Now I must swallow my pride. We need help.”

I understand these comments. I remember that pride. Never in a million years did I believe I’d need to crack the doors of the local food pantry and “beg” for food. Chronic illness changed that, and a few years ago I became a humbled food recipient. For approximately one year, the generous donations of…

Sitting here stuffed with stuffing…and turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy and pie, I thought I’d wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope your day was as uneventful and peaceful as mine. I worked at the hospital for 5.5 hours prior to attending a sober get-together with many friends. The food and the company were exquisite. I had some very interesting and fun patients today, too, so it’s been a good day. (Although I could have used a longer nap!)

Today’s events remind me; I am so grateful for my sobriety and for my sober “family.” I know many people with…

If you’ve been wondering…I’ve been missing. Depression and I have been doing battle for the last couple weeks. I’ve NOT been winning. I’ve been so far from winning as to be barely recognizable at times. I’ve been so far from winning as to be barely functional at times. I’ve been so far from winning, I’ve not been capable of rational thought–never mind rational writing! But, I’m back. If you are interested in any of the gory details, I was able to finish a couple of posts here.

One of the toughest symptoms I had over the past few weeks was increasingly-distressing…

things have been particularly rough the last few days. perhaps it’s due to my current financial stresses, the process of looking for a part-time PT job, the uncertainty of potentially leaving the disability ranks, or simply a “flare-up” of good ‘ole depression. whatever the reason, I’ve been struggling.

as sometimes happens during these times of struggle, my brain seems to take on it’s own persona. unfortunately, it is an unkind, negative, intrusively hyperactive persona which results in unkind, negative, intrusive thoughts filling my head. out of the blue, these thoughts attack. death, blood, and relapse are just a few of the…

Holidays are a time of stress for so many in recovery. Whether it’s relatives’ alcoholic behavior or just plain screwed-up dysfunction, our families have special access to our triggers. Who but family can elicit the reemergence of every character defect, personality flaw, and long lost resentment that we thought we’d conquered? There may be others able to negatively revert us, but families do so with uncanny efficiency, don’t they?

Families tend to pigeon-hole us into the characters we once were, rather than honoring us for the people we’ve become. It’s amazing really. My brothers and father still treat me as the…

He mentioned his life partner died a year ago. That caught her attention. It was her first clue. She assisted him as he limped into the hallway with his new walker. Purposefully, she asked, “How long were you and your partner together?” It was only a slight variation from the routine question she usually asked. After all, most of her patients were elderly Midwesterners, and relationship longevity seemed to be their most common denominator.

She loved interacting with these long-term couples. The enduring love between them was endearingly transparent. Coming from a splintered family, a couple of foster homes, and her…

Depression disabled me. I was unable to work, even unable to care for myself at times. Then, after deciding alcohol was good medication for what ailed me, I became an alcoholic! I got sober and my depression symptoms have been slowly improving, finally, over the last several months. I haven’t been in the hospital for over one year, the longest freedom tenure since this odyssey began eight years ago. Yes, eight years now. Eight years ago this month, November 2000, my new, uninvited life with depression began. It’s been a long road.

But now, I am looking at going back to…

My life has been busy, busy, busy. Here are the highlights, lowlights, and a little of the in between.

I ran 8 miles of the marathon course on Sunday. My leg held up okay after a week of swimming and rest. My friend who missed qualifying for Boston, by 12 seconds, 4 weeks ago qualified Sunday with 58 seconds to spare! It was nice to be there on an almost perfect day. Being at the race, supporting my friends, and focusing on somebody other than me, me, me helped me feel better about not running. I made the right decision. It…

I

It’s not meant to be. Not right now, anyway… Picking up the pace to beat the “Don’t Walk” sign yesterday just about made me scream. My right leg needs time to heal, I guess, so no marathon for me this weekend. No running at all, I think. I have a doctor’s appointment next week to check this out, but ultimately, I think I just need to rest.

I love rest, but I hate forced rest! I also hate the fact that I was in great shape to run a good marathon only to be thwarted by the weather! And now, injury blocks…

A version of this video was played on ESPN this morning in conjunction with their World Series coverage. If this doesn’t remind me to keep life in perspective, nothing will.

John Challis\’ Final At-bat

Challis apparently has inspired many, including current World Series manager, Joe Maddon. Maddon writes Challis’ message, Courage + Believe = Life, on each game’s line-up card. Challis passed away at home on August 18, 2008.

Sometimes I think my problems are huge and insurmountable.
Thank you, John Challis, for reminding me they are not.

I know I’m supposed to understand alcoholism as a disease which makes people act stupid and say dumb things. I do understand that. Understanding this sad fact is supposed to help me forgive those stupid words and actions. I know. It’s a disease. They can’t help it. I know, BUT…

I have a friend, Toby (not his real name), who relapsed about 6-8 weeks ago. Toby has been around the rooms of AA since, I believe, the 1970’s. He knows AA, its jargon, and how it all works (or is supposed to work) better than just about anyone. When he speaks,…

I don’t know if I can do this again, but of course I will. It’s 6:45AM. In 15 minutes I have to load up Puck and leave for the vet clinic. It may seem like no big deal, especially if you are not a pet owner, but Puck is my child-equivalent. It is a big, big deal. My heart has already sunk, too heavy to remain suspended in its usual locale. I feel so guilty for throwing that damn ball. I feel so sorry for the pain he is in and the severe pain he is about to endure. I…

Reality TV couldn’t have hoped for more irony than this…

This morning, on the way back from the vet, moments after he and I discussed allowing Puck to play ball again despite my wariness (terror, actually), I stopped at a park to give him a few tosses. On the FIRST gentle, short toss my beautiful, happy, energetic dog, Puck, ruptured his other anterior cruciate ligament (ACL).

His second ACL surgery in the last 4.5 months is scheduled for tomorrow.

My sponsor says God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. C’mon, God, isn’t this piling-it-on a bit?

An unwelcome anniversary is approaching. In a few days, it will be two years since my 46-year-old friend, Kathy, tragically died after falling down her basement stairs.

Kathy was an RN at Generose, 2 East, Mayo Clinic’s adult psychiatric inpatient unit. That’s where we met. She was my primary nurse during my first admission to her unit. As my primary nurse, she spent a lot of time with me, and we quickly developed a bond. Through multiple admissions over 5-6 years, Kathy and I continued to cross paths. We developed a special bond. Nothing inappropriate, all professional boundaries were maintained, but…

More fatigue today, napping doesn’t seem to alleviate it for more than an hour. It’s frustrating. Regardless, I was a little more functional today. I swam one mile rather than run one step. The swimming went better than I was expecting, although–surprise!–it did wipe me out for a couple hours.

I met with my therapist this morning. Boy, it’s been a long two weeks since I last saw her! There are some pretty big changes afoot in my life, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed. My therapist is especially adept at breaking things down and putting them into perspective. I appreciate that.…

GREAT! I caught a virus yesterday. Literally, it came on in the matter of a couple minutes! Boom! I was sick! Very, very strange. Stayed in bed as much as I could. No exercise. Today I worked nine hours. That’s a long day in a hospital. Nine hours of interacting with, lifting, pulling, prodding, encouraging, instructing, and smiling for patients in pain–and their families–is incredibly exhausting. I am totally wiped out.

I hate feeling this wiped out, this exhausted, this dead. My brain is as dead as my body. It’s been a few consecutive days of fatigue now, even before I…

I’ve been having a tough time writing lately. I don’t feel I have anything interesting or valuable to say right now. I’m just feeling a bit blah. Training again after my DNF (did not finish) at the Twin Cities Marathon.
I’m tentatively planning to run another marathon November 2nd, but not feeling nearly as confident of meeting my goal, which is qualifying for the Boston Marathon. I did have a good 20-miler on Saturday, but still… I’m hoping I can improve my confidence over the next few weeks, otherwise I am doomed. I think not finishing has effected me more than…

Okay, that title is a bit misleading. I’m still in therapy, but I’ve cut back to every other week rather than every week. No big deal, right? I mean, that’s the point of working with a therapist, to get better. And that’s what’s happened. I’ve improved enough to cut back on therapy. So why do I feel so lost?

My sense of loss seems over-blown. If I had cancer, I’d be thrilled NOT to see my doc every week. It would mean my illness had improved. I guess this is just another difference between mental illness and most other illnesses. If…