Dear Murph,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  After my doggie died I was in a funk and didn’t do much of anything.  Then I got some kind of flu and was laid out for 2 days.  I’m feeling fine, but I’m in a kind of  no-man’s-land lately.  I have no income, have been looking for a job, have been trying to do some writing, but I feel like I’m just floundering.  Here I am, a grown adult who should be retiring in a few years, and I have no financial security in place to ease the burdens of monthly bills.  Ever since I met you, I’ve handed a lot of my life over to you - you know that.  When I didn’t have a job, one showed up…..when I was going to miss a mortgage payment, an unexpected check came in the mail.  I have friends who can’t believe that I live this way, especially since I’m approaching the end of my 5th decade on earth. But ever since I let you handle the big stuff, the little stuff has been a piece of cake.

When I was hired for The Second Road I had just received my last unemployment check.  You were right on time and for the next 3 years I had a steady income.  When the economy forced The Second Road to stop paying its employees, I was disheartened, but I knew that I could still keep writing and connecting to people on the site, even without getting paid.  But I couldn’t pay programmers, web designers, special writers or myself anymore, so what was I to do for an income?  I’ve left that in your hands, as I’ve applied for different positions having to do with recovery, outreach, web management and the like, but no bites so far.  I must admit that I love being unemployed - I spent a lot of times with my doggies - taking them to the river or hiking, and I get to go to the gym almost every day - racquetball and Nia as much as I want.  I’ve been watching a lot of foreign films and have found a whole new media that interests me, makes me thing, and entertains me in a way I hadn’t experienced very often.  I’ve turned into a Netflix Junkie - things could be worse.

I just would like to feel that I have a daily purpose, like being accountable for something…ya know?  I’m trying to write daily, but I have found that I don’t have the discipline needed to be a consistent “writer.”  The book I was writing is in a rough (and I mean rough) draft and I was told by a writer friend of mine to change the entire focus of the manuscript.  So I’m kind of starting over, but not with the drive that I had hoped would ensue.

I’m not complaining (well, maybe just a little bit), but I’ve been through a lot in my journey to recovery and I thought that at my age, I could take life a little easier.  It doesn’t look like that is going to be happening.  I’m okay with that, but I would appreciate a little sign that everything’s going to be okay.  I’m very good at telling others, “It is what it is,” and “Everything will turn out.”  And I really do believe that those two statements are true.  It’s the timing that’s getting me right now.

There’s a scripture that says, “Be anxious for nothing.”

Did you have something to do with that one?

I love you, Murph

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior