Hey Murph,

I spent this morning cleaning my boyfriend’s apartment as he is now in long term rehab.  I went there a couple weeks ago and got most of his belongings but today I had to do the dirty work….you know….cleaning the refrigerator, toilet, cabinets….you know……always save the best until last.  I was just a little resentful about having to scrub the toilet, not knowing who had done what in that area.  I found various objects that definitely did not belong to my boyfriend, but that comes with the territory of going through the wreckage of someone’s past.  People must have felt the same way about me when my dirty laundry was hung out to dry.  I tried to understand that the state of the apartment was just the remnant of the disease…the filth of the addiction….the mess of what becomes of us when we are insane.

It brought me back to a place where I started to remember some of the dirt in my active addiction, and it was not pretty.  I will not go into detail here, because at this point in my life, I have worked hard to address, correct and/or live with the wreckage of my past.  Now I must do the same for my loved one.  I like to think that my wreckage wasn’t nearly as disastrous as his, but it was.  I hurt those I loved most, did things I never believed I would do and felt little remorse until I was forced into that dark pit where you introduced yourself.  Some of those same old behaviors hang around and I’m often not the person I would like to be (yeah, like who is?), but I know that YOU know I’m trying.  It really doesn’t matter if anyone else believes me or not.  Not many people believe that my loved one is serious, but only you and I know the hell he has been through and how long and how hard he has fought to get well.

This damn disease is tailor-made to fit the unique characteristics of each individual addict.  That’s what makes it so hard to diagnose and to treat.  It is like a glob of nefarious silly putty that takes the shape of every one of us and becomes the sick, self-centered, yet self-destructive clone of a worthy member of the human race.  We are covered, head to toe, inside and out, with a repulsive replica of our own very being.  But underneath all that dirt, there is a seed, waiting for a drop of clean water - just one drop -  to start the process of growth.  It’s your seed, Murph.  You put it there.

Only you know what is in the heart of an addict……and you know how to keep secrets.  That’s why I love you.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior