Would You Like a Glass of Wine?
Apr 25, 10- (by road warrior)
- 3 responses
- Humble Road Warrior, Sober Salon
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Dear Murph,
I’m back home in Virginia tonight. My luggage, unfortunately, is not. I assume it will arrive sometime…..who knows? It could be sitting in Newark. There’s not much I can do about that anyway, so I’m giving that one to you. I’m also giving you the resentment of the day….disappointment. I’m really letting that emotion rule my life lately. I’m disappointed that my son kept something from me. I’m disappointed that when I came home from Chicago, my house was a mess. I’m disappointed that someone I love is in long term rehab because of his own choices and actions. I’m disappointed that I don’t have a job. I’m disappointed that I had cravings to drink when I was in Chicago with family and friends…and I’m disappointed that people aren’t running to rescue me from my own disappointments.
My last night in Chicago I went to my old friend’s house with my brother and his wife. Everyone was having a glass of wine or beer. I went into the kitchen to replenish my soft drink and I suddenly had this urge to pop the cork from the wine bottle and take a very large guzzle. Who would know? Why wasn’t I allowed to get a little mellow, like the rest of the people there? What the hell is wrong with mellow? Mellow is good. I deserve mellow.
I also know that for me, mellow is never enough. Mellow is only the first step toward total oblivion. I’m disappointed that I have this disease that does not allow me to use alcohol “just to take the edge off.” I’m on the edge a lot and sometimes I would just like to slip off without having to work so hard to do it. I want to be taken away, just for a little while, to a soft, blurry place where my breath is slow, my muscles are relaxed and my body softens into one big smile. And I want to get there through outside means. I want to get there fast and easy, without any effort on my part. I want to be in that place right now….right this minute…..and I’m not.
I know this will pass, but I sometimes still wish I could drink like other people. Like the people I was with last night. But I cannot.
I love you, Murph
Till Next Time -
Your Humble Road Warrior
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You love Murph. Murph loves you too, Jinx. And so do lots of us. You weathered a good-sized storm. And you got through it, right?
Good going, Red Ryder…you betchum!
we’ve all been there baby. me too this weekend. Been hanging out in bars to listen to the band. I, and all of us know exactly how you feel. we’ve all been there. go to a meeting, call your sponsor and if you don’t at least send me an email I’ll hit you over the head with my expensive carbon fiber guitar. it will hurt you a lot worse than it will hurt it. it’s your damn fault I’m playing again. how bout a hot date sometime?????
I don’t know that I’ve ever commented on one of your posts before, but this one struck a chord with me. I guess I should say I’m not an alcoholic, and I’ve learned to be grateful for that. What struck me is your raw bravery. It probably doesn’t feel like that at times, but don’t they say that bravery, or courage, is having fear and facing it?
That’s what you do every day that you’re in recovery, and in a way that the rest of us probably can’t really understand, because yes, we can take the edge off without getting into a mess.
So, I just wanted to reach out and virtually touch your shoulder and thank you for being brave, for going through this, for reaching out to us and sharing your stories. It means a lot.