It was so much easier in the old days when I could pop a handful of pills and/or guzzle a bottle of Vodka and numb my way into that zone of least resistance.  Although the re-entry process back into life was always accompanied  with shame, guilt and often a major reversal of my peristaltic system of digestion, I conveniently forgot all that discomfort the next day when I went through the act of destroying my brain cells and bodily organs, and wreaking havoc on every other part of my life.

Now I have to face the disappointments, the sadness, the joys,  and even the ordinary without the aid of all those self-destructive amenities that were so convenient and easily accessible back then.  Now, when I feel sadness or disappointment, I actually have to get off my butt and do something about it.  Imagine that!  Actually having to take an action to change a feeling or behavior!  And when I’m experiencing joy and happiness, I have to stop and allow myself to enjoy the tingling light and warmth that emanate from that little smiley face in my soul and to give it the recognition it so deserves.

Last night I was very sad.  The reason doesn’t matter, but what I did with that emotion does. Tuesday night is my meditation night.  I belong to a local meditation group and this particular Tuesday there was an early chanting session for healing, followed by our regular practice of sitting, but instead of ending with a dharma talk, we were going to have a little social…..you know…a lot of organic treats, made with unprocessed sugar and possibly some tea - decaf, of course.  I came home from work and went straight to bed.  As I lay there I felt that presence. The ghost of addictions past was lurking in my bedroom, silently hovering over my bed, softly hissing, “just stay here for the evening, where it’s nice and dark.  Don’t worry.  I’ll keep you company.”  I must have fallen asleep and when I awoke and looked at the clock I realized that my meditation class was starting in ten minutes.  I could never make it in time.  But I could make it a little late.  I jumped out of bed, gargled some mouthwash and grabbed my coat, kissed the puppies good-bye and left, leaving Scrooge alone in the bedroom.

I had a delightful evening. The chanting session for world healing was so beautiful and in the following meditation, I was able to still  my mind and spend 40 blissful minutes in a place of indescribable emptiness.  And it was lovely.  My original plan was to leave before the social, but I ended up staying, talking with old and new friends and having a great time.  As I was driving home, singing Christmas Carols along with the radio I realized that this was the easier way….the way that lasts, the way that builds and does  not destroy, and the way I want to live.

No Bah-Humbug Here -

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior