The Long-Awaited Tiger Woods Post
Dec 11, 09- (by Mama MPJ)
- 18 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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“Is Tiger Woods a sex addict?”
“What do you think about Tiger?”
“Aren’t you going to write about Tiger Woods?”
The questions have been peppering my inbox, but I’ve been avoiding the topic. On the one hand, I love a good celebrity sex scandal, both because I can relate and because I see it as an opportunity to educate people about what sex addiction can look like. I remember when my husband disclosed his addiction, I realized that his words and actions bore an uncanny resemblance to Bill Clinton’s (even down to the “oral sex is not sex” line). And I was pissed, not at Bill Clinton or at my husband, but at the media. Why were there all these stories about how Bill Clinton was a cad and a liar and a womanizer and a bad person and a bad husband and a man who believed he was “above the law” and absolutely none about how he was (in a way that was now glaringly obvious to me) a sex addict. Why hadn’t I heard of sex addiction before? Why hadn’t anyone told me that this was what it looked like?
But on the other hand, while some people are begging for a Tiger story, I know (from years of blogging experience) that other people are absolutely going to hate it. It’s going to send half the Internet into spams of delight and the other into paroxysms of rage if I use “Tiger Woods” and “sex addict” in the same post, and dealing with that kind of conflict is simply tiresome. So I’ve been weighing whether or not writing about Tiger Woods was worth the drama of writing about Tiger Woods.
But as I was considering this question last night, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t be wondering this at all if news had just broken that instead of having a dozen mistresses at points around the globe, Tiger Woods had a dozen different heroin dealers. Would there be similar quibbling over what to call his behavior if, instead of risking his marriage and his family and his lucrative endorsements by spending time and money on tour having sex with porn stars and models and cocktail waitresses, he had risked them by spending time getting high on cocaine? If there were rumors that he might give up touring because he was spending all his nights getting drunk when he was traveling rather than having affairs with other women, would the debate over addiction be the same?
Sex addiction is hard to recognize precisely because it’s tied up in behavior that doesn’t seem so clear cut. It’s harder to see where the line is drawn or should be drawn when it comes to something as basic to who we are as sex. It’s more complicated for us to discern someone’s motivation for having an affair than smoking crack. But regardless of what we think of Tiger’s actions or speculate about his motivations, in the way the story has played out in the media, we can see a degree of unmanageability that addicts and their partners can all relate to: the desperate attempts to cover up, the car crash, the hemorrhaging of money. As Mark said when we discussed it this morning, “All you have to do is take the news clippings and put them together to have a pretty good First Step.”
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Ha! I have to admit that I was one of the people wondering if you’d write about this, especially since it seems to have a lot of elements of your story (interracial couple, two kids, acting out while the wife was pregnant).
What’s interesting to me is that sex addiction has been brought up in a lot of the reporting on this scandal, whereas it rarely has in past sex scandals. And all the mass moralizing aside, there also seems to be this widespread recognition that something about Tiger’s behavior just doesn’t make sense, that it can’t be explained away using all the usual arguments. Even though it’s been incredibly triggering for me, I do feel as though there’s something about the general reaction to this scandal that shows progress.
Wow, Margaux I hadn’t see anything about sex addiction in relation to Tiger yet. Maybe I’m following the wrong news outlets!
Yeah, there have been some articles debating whether or not he’s a sex addict, and Dr. Drew was even interviewed specifically about Tiger’s possible sex addiction (you can probably find it on YouTube–I think I first saw it on Yahoo or MSN news).
P.S. I even noticed that when the whole Gosselin debacle was at its height, there were articles about whether or not Jon’s cheating was indicative of sex addiction (I think it was one of the tabloids that interviewed a psychologist who named sex addiction as the culprit). It’s definitely being brought up more and more in public-scrutiny rampant cheating situations.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for his wife (and for him) to have to live through this so publicly. Ouch.
I have had similar thoughts. I have seen news articles speculating on whether Tiger is a SA. But the frustrating thing is that after all this time, it is still seen as the easy excuse to be a sex addict, and no one points to how very hard it is to deal with the consequences of being a sex addict, whether one recognizes he/she is one or not. I keep hoping that some public educational good will come of this obsession with Tiger’s unfortunate private life.
And just as appalling is the treatment of his wife in the media. My heart goes out to her. Take away the millions of dollars, and what she is going through is no different than most of the rest of us who live with a SA. All the money in the world can’t make that better or buy serenity.
Can it be possible that he’s just a horny billionaire who CAN do whatever he wants and think he can get away with it? I mean, every person who has pancreactic disease does not necessarily have pancreatic cancer. Get the gist? I’m disgusted that he did this to himself and to his beautiful family.
Could be, patti, depending on the way one sees the world, but what I’m saying is: this is still what sex addiction looks like.
Unfortunately, because sex addiction is seen as so shameful, there aren’t any examples of people who get out there and educate the public themselves (like there are with cancer now). So, if I want to show what sex addiction would look like from the outside — what my family would have looked like if we had our stuff splashed on the news before (when we seemed perfect and happy) and after (when everything fell apart) — all I have to do say is look at Tiger Woods (or any other celebrity caught in extreme sexual behavior).
Because that really is exactly what sex addiction looks like: a horny billionaire (or middle class, suburban, white collar working guy) who can do whatever he wants (pick up and meet up with other women when on business trips, maintain multiple relationships with other women by phone and e-mail) and think he can get away with it (”No one will ever know, and I’ll take it to my grave.”).
Maybe my husband is and addict but Tiger is an asshole, even though all the symptoms are the same. Or (I’m sure there are many people who would say) they’re both just assholes. Or they’re both addicts. How can we tell from the outside? Well, if you think there are two separate conditions — addiction and assholism — we can’t.
To take your cancer/pancreatic disease example, addiction is pancreatic cancer, assholism is a pancreatic disease that presents with every one of the same symptoms as pancreatic cancer (including causing death) but has, not just no cure, but no treatment (e.g. chemo won’t work). So, for the sake of those celebrities causing horrible destruction in their own lives, I always sincerely pray they are just addicts. At least that way there is help and hope.
It is interesting that Tiger just used the word “infidelity” for the first time yesterday, as he announced his hiatus from golf.
Thinking of “assholism” as a medical condition from now on is going to make my life better. Thank you!
I think there’s another piece to it, which is the idea that women are property and that having sex with women is a sign of enhanced masculinity.
I also wonder how the trope about black men and sexual prowess is playing into the fascination with Tiger. Mostly I’m just sad for his family and disgusted at the way all the women - Woods’ wife and the other women he was involved with - have been portrayed.
Hi there. Yes, you were one of the first people who came to mind when this all started playing out and I was very curious as to your take on his situation. After learning so much from you, I thought the same thing. It sure looks like sex addiction no matter how the different media outlets try to explain it away by saying “He just did it because he can. Because he feels entitled. Because he’s Tiger Woods.” I can’t imagine what it’s doing to his wife. She has a long road to recovery ahead of her I fear (and so does he if he admits he has a problem).
MPJ– brilliantly stated, as usual. I agree– The Tiger Woods situation is exactly what my own life and relationship would have looked life had I been subjected to that microscopic treatment during discovery. How awful that would be. In many ways, it could have been– my husband had a high profile job in a community we used to live in on the East Coast– and would literally go to prostitutes in places that were being stormed, gotcha-style, by police and news reporters about once a week. In a much smaller vacuum, I could have been Elin Woods. And I’m broken hearted every time I hear some idiot say something about how ’she should have done a better job taking care of’ her husband. Ridiculous that people still think that way.
I’m glad you wrote about this, despite the love/hate line.
I don’t know how I stumbled upon this blog but I am grateful for the shares. Although the Tiger Woods thing is getting old, I am tired of myself for taking it personally when another “friend” says what a jackass he is or how stupid his wife is for staying with him or for not knowing about the affairs. My favorite is “How did he not think he was going to get caught?” I want to shout “Of course he didn’t think dummy he is a sex addict and he couldn’t control himself!” I am a wife of a recovering sex addict (one year sobriety yesterday in fact), three children, professional jobs-most people wouldn’t suspect a thing. I am having a hard time feeling “judged” even when most people don’t know what is going on in my own life. I feel the need to explain his problem to get some understand and reassurance that I am not alone. Then I question myself, “Am I an idiot for staying?” It probably won’t happen but I wish for Tiger (aside from getting well) to educate the public about this shameful disease so families affected by sex addiction don’t have to hide anyomore. Thanks for listening. I am going to check out the rest of this site, thanks!
Great post MPJ. I agree with you Robyn, its hard not to take it personal sometime.
I honetly cringe when I hear someone say “tiger might be a sex addict” because the few reports I have heard that mention it almost make it sound like an excuse, and that annoys me.
Robyn,
Monica and Robyn, yes!! It is very triggering to listen to people talk about these scandals and it’s hard to keep quiet about my own experiences. (And I think I have my next blog post.)
Oops, there was an extra “Robyn” in that comment, because I started it before I saw Monica’s response! Progress in responding to comments, not perfection!
I knew you’d tackle this eventually. Thanks for your take on it. Since my husband is a big golf fan it has been quite the topic of discussion around here lately. ((hugs)) to you!