I went to a meeting last night where the cold, wet rain pouring outside of the building had seeped through the brick and dry wall and permeated the entire space of the room.  It was a Big Book study and the format is the continued reading of the BB and whenever anyone feels so moved, they share.  I came in a couple minutes late, surprised to see that so many people had come out on this bone-chilling night, but felt the onerous weight of the upcoming holidays hanging over the space like an invisible pall.  There were many moments of long silence - people eventually started sharing, but there was not the usual couple of laughs one hears at a meeting.  Somber was the theme of the night.  I had on a pair of especially loud Christmas socks and that was the only festive element present.

I fluctuate on how I feel about the holidays quite often.  The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas are a mix of utter and complete wonderment at the “joy” this season can bring, to a sinister awareness of how this season has been turned into a venue for the greedy to prey on the emotions of the masses.  One day I will be “full of good cheer” and the next, I’m balancing the sadness and pain of the world on my shoulders, feeling that we humans are never going to “get it,” whatever “it” is.

One of the many gifts of being clean and sober is that I can step outside myself  (not always, but occasionally) and see that this is normal human behavior.  It’s okay to feel down sometimes and it’s okay to be on top of the world.  I can experience both realities several times during the course of a single day and that is okay, too.  Actually, I usually do travel through several emotional arenas on a daily basis, just because I am an earthling, living what is called “life” on this third rock from the sun.

At this very moment, my old dog is dying and I have to decide when to “do the deed.”  My son is cramming for finals and is staying up way too late and I’m worried about his lack of sleep and his stress level.  My finances are very tight this month. The sun is also shining radiantly today and I am sitting in a bright office, having the luxury of writing this blog.  I’m going to at least one Christmas concert (I love Christmas concerts) and will start looking for a Christmas Tree in the next few days.  I will decorate my house, bake cookies and help those less fortunate.  I will ponder why this time must be set aside every year to make us feel the way we should feel every single day.  And I will most definitely indulge myself in the edible delights that accessorize this season.  I will feel the sadness that comes from strained or lost relationships and I will embrace the ever growing population of those who now grace my life with their friendship.  And I will know that things are just the way they’re supposed to be - just because they are what they are.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior