Justice.
Nov 28, 09- (by JunkysWife)
- 5 responses
- Sober Salon
Email This Post
Now and then, I get a real hankering for justice. I start obsessing about how my husband should be carrying around a little bit of my pain for me. I think that I should sit him down and explain to him all the ways that all the various things he’s done have hurt me. I want a witness, and I want it to be him. I want to recite my litany of offenses. I want him to look at me and to see all the bits and pieces of my heart. I want to hand it to him.
And man, when I start seeking my pound of flesh, I can get myself worked quite up. I want it badly…I can’t imagine of any other way to feel better. I feel so sure that he needs to see me, hear me, and look at all the ways I’ve been hurt so that I can feel better.
There are many problems with this urge. I’m explaining this thing to myself as I write it here, so it might not quite make sense…I’m going to keep working it out, though, unitl it does.
The first problem with this desire for some kind of justice is that my husband isn’t ready. He knows what he’s done to me. He knows all the nuiances of how I’ve been hurt, and he’s even imagined some ways that I’m hurt that aren’t real. He feels responsible for pain that I brought into our relationship, and he sometimes uses this stuff to start the inevitable shame spiral that is the fuel of his addiction. He’s not ready to hear me. Not yet. He knows this stuff, but he doesn’t know what to do with it.
The next problem is that even if he could hear me, I’d still be hurt. His witness will do nothing with the pain…nothing except his changed behavior and my continual work on myself and spiritual growth is ever going to fill that God-shaped hole.
And the biggest problem, i think, is that it’s not the way God works with me. God doesn’t hold me at the end of a rifle, listing all the ways I’ve abandoned him, hurt him, ignored him, or cast off his desires for me. God looks at me and loves me. That’s all. I live under the sweet, sweet umbrella of grace. It’s the only way real love works, and it’s the model I aspire to emulate in all my relationships, in all my affairs.
Related articles:
Stumble it! 
Delicious Facebook
Respond now.
Previous post: « Previous Post
Next post: Giving Thanks »
Shut up!!
(Which translates to “you’re right and I wanna be wrong for a little while longer” for anyone thinking I’m really yelling at JW.)
I love this post. While reading it, I had a lot of R’s reactions, but I truly get that dumping on my husband is wrong. But, I have some issues with what you’ve written in how it relates to me. First, I GET that my husband isn’t ready. But, at the same time, part of me believes that lack of readiness is intentional and there to keep me away. I also don’t believe my husband knows what he’s done to me… and frankly, I don’t think he’s interested in knowing… and that HURTS more than anything.
I do know that *I* can’t tell him what he’s done to me… that he needs to figure it out on his own… with his addict buddies… with his therapist.. with ANYBODY other than me.
But isn’t there a difference between holding your husband at the end of a rifle and asking him to carry around a little bit of your pain?
I have many friends that love me, and I can share my pain with them. I believe that’s part of true love. I share my pain with them.. and they share their pain with me. I can’t share my pain with my husband… so the logical part of me wonders if it’s possible that we have true love without that.
I love this post too.
I have always been a tireless seeker of justice. An inveterate righter-of-wrongs, always have been. An activist, rescuer of stray animals, a signer of petitions, the author of many a letter to the editor or to the manager or to the people in charge.
I wish that all of this was in fact as well-intentioned as it would seem, but I know better now. I think my inveterate seeking of justice was really my sh*t, my codie need to be all up in that, to be the instrument of retribution, the deliverer of justice to all.
These days I know that justice is not mine to deliver. I leave that up to God now. That doesn’t mean I am apathetic about hungry strays, global warming, illiteracy in the schools or the poor service at my favourite restaurant. It just means I can see what’s wrong and take action to help, but leave the justice seeking to God. I am finding as a side-effect that people avoid me less (lol!) and anyway, God is better at this stuff than me.
Justice is a slow-cooked dish, and He has far more time and patience than I do.
Invisigal, I really love how you have worded this. That it is OK to not be the one delivering justice. It takes one off the hook for other peoples’ actions. I feel responsible for the way I live my life, but it is OK for other’s to be responsible for theirs. Don’t get me wrong, I do think that there are some injustices that require us to stand up to them, but not every one.
God, Woman!!!!! I swear there’s some channeling going on here. You write and I keep on saying to myself, “Yes, that’s exactly the way I’m thinking. I feel the exact same way.” How can she get so deep into my head/heart/soul/mind/psyche…..? Don’t stop!!!