Compassion Can Hurt
Nov 20, 09- (by road warrior)
- 2 responses
- Humble Road Warrior, Sober Salon
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“Compassion is not a virtue - it is a commitment.” So writes Brene Brown in her book ,”I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)”, a book about women and shame issues that I am currently reading and will review in the near future. As I read this line I had to stop and put the book down. The words were immediately absorbed into my flesh, my organs, my mind, heart, spirit and soul. How often have I considered being compassionate as some kind of lofty virtue that I “bestow” on others? How many times has my compassion just been a mask for trying to elevate my current state of self worth to a higher level? When I act compassionately, how often to I keep it to myself? Am I truly committed to being a compassionate person? All these questions suddenly flooded over me and so, here I am, trying to make sense of them in a couple hundred words.
The word compassion is related, in origin, form and meaning to the English word, patient, (one who suffers). Therefore, compassion denotes the feeling of suffering with others, a very uncomfortable place for many of us, eh? I don’t know about you, but I’m not a fan of suffering in any fashion, let alone doing it with or for someone else. I can “do” good works (in my Catholic upbringing we called them corporal works of mercy), but I have to sit here and ponder the question, “Do I put myself in the shoes of others, emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically?” Am I actually able to “feel” for another, not just “do” for another? Can I try to get inside someone’s heart and be part of “their” feelings? When I say that my heart breaks for someone, what do I really mean?Recently I had an experience where I was present when someone very dear to me was told that she was being sent away. I have become quite attached to this person and the decision to physically remove her from her family situation was made with love, unselfishness and a lot of pain. When she was told the news, I was present and I actually felt my heart start to crack, just a tad at first, then, little by little, the whole organ ripped open and out poured a sadness that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I felt like the Tin Man in “The Wizard of Oz” who says good-bye to Dorothy with, “Now I know I have a heart, cuz it’s breaking.” I started to cry and she just looked at me with that beautiful face of hers and said, “Don’t cry, Ging. It’ll be okay.” As I write this, she is getting acclamated to her new surroundings and my heart weeps still. When I was actively using, I made sure any possibility of feeling compassion was removed with the aid of outside resources. Now I know that I can feel another’s pain (or any other emotion) and don’t have to mask the normal feelings that come when one commits to sharing in the lives of others. This experience was one of sadness, but there will be joyful ones to come, I’m sure.
But till then, I’m keeping her picture on my kitchen counter…..
Till Next Time Your Humble Road Warrior
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Not to make light of this fine post, Jinx, but I hope her photo is in a place of honor…like next to the coffee pot, or cookies? OK, serious now. Growing older I feel more of those things you discuss–the heart breaking in two and spilling its blood.
Where my |compassion” used to be under a heading of “people pleasing” it has become more genuine. I never cried before 3 years ago. Then I first cried for me–self pity, poor me, etc., that BS. In just a couple years that has evolved into shedding real tears for real people, when I have reached a state of true deep sadness.
It is not unhappiness now which evokes tears, for I am still–as you might recall–an “up” kinda peep. I just LOVE more now, and in a different way.
Recently a friend was on vacation, and returned home, and answered my question regarding her boy friend. So I learned that the relationship had changed somewhat, no longer Boy friend-Girl friend. I was visibly shaken,hurt, and my inner self was saying, “Be careful Steve, you don’t want to cry here in a Starbucks store!”
I realized my friend the girl owns–or is owned by–six dogs, and so I figured she would be kept busy. However, this serves to illustrate that I DO know what you’re talking about here, our relationship with others. In my case that is changing, and maybe in yours also.
God bless you, Jinx.
Love,
Steve