I decided to fast today. I’ve been experimenting with fasting to see what the big deal is with it. In most religious traditions, fasting is a discipline that is meant to bring us closer to God.

I want to be closer to God.

I’ve never pulled off more than a sunup to sundown fast, and that’s my plan for the day today. I’ve noticed that my mind always seems a little sharper on the days that I’ve fasted. I don’t fool myself into believing that I’ll be able to experience the full benefits of fasting until I am able to do it for longer periods of time, and I think of these small, daylight fasts as a kind of spiritual training.

I’ve only done it three of four times so far over the last six months, but before each fast, I wake up filled with anxiety. There is something so grounding in food, and it is frightening to think of going a full day without it. I pray to calm my anxiety, and meditate for a while to recenter myself.

It is interesting to notice how much more work I get done when food is out of the way. There is no longer the debate: What will I eat? Where? Will it be delicious? Will it be healthy? Should I eat a donut? Should I buy a coffee? It’s just me, my water bottle, and my day of clarifying emptiness.

The idea of discipline as a means of reaching God has been becoming more and more appealing to me. I have spent so much of my life running away from tradition, discipline, and form. I wanted to be free to make my own way, to determine everything for myself - and I made a mess. Our culture tells us again and again that we should be different…we should pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and find our own ways and figure things out for ourselves and question everything we’ve ever learned…so we can go and be different, just like everybody else.

It is an interesting intersection to occupy…

I think I’ve been given a certain amount of wisdom from these painful life experiences to be able to live my life, critically thinking and self-aware, but without the arrogance to presume that I am capable of making my own way…

I’ve been wearing a lot of skirts lately. I found a few pretty ones at a thrift store, and I’ve enjoyed wearing them. They’re comfortable…there was no real political or religious or social implication in my decision to wear them. A friend who I’ve only known for a month or so asked me recentlly if I only wore skirts because of my church’s denominational affiliation…

Wow. It is kind of a miracle that anyone could think to ask me such a question!