Don’t Touch Me.
Nov 2, 09- (by JunkysWife)
- 16 responses
- Sober Salon
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So, I have issues with men. Big ones. Hairy ones.
At one of the schools where I teach, there is a man who has retired from the same career as the man who sexually abused me as a child. They were both law enforcement officers, and I swear, I can smell the law enforcement officer on this man. It’s in his walk. It’s in his accent. It’s in the way his ties hang around his neck and the way he talks to me. Every time I see him, he addresses me a little too sweetly. Every time I see him, he touches me.
Today, his hands were cold. He approached the desk where I was working, and he put his cold hand on my neck. I jumped. My skin crawled. My entire body stiffened. I knew it was him. He said, “Your neck looked so warm and my hands were cold!” and laughed.
It’s not funny, damn it. It’s not ok. There’s nothing I can do about it, and I hate it. I’m still cringing from the thought of his hands on my body.
It wasn’t such a big deal, I know. He’s a friendly old man, harmlessly flirting with a cute, young teacher. I know, I know. I can only imagine the looks I’d get if I went to the administrators and said that this sweet old man was touching me inappropriately. It is inappropriate, but it’s not an ass grab, and his intentions aren’t malicious, and it’s definitely bigger than just one man touching one woman. It’s a whole history, a whole boatload of years of pain.
The feeling I have right now reminds me of cold, raw hot dogs. As a little girl, I’d sneak them out of the refrigerator and eat them. They were a fun treat. As a grown-up vegetarian, I’d rather eat a hot turd than a cold, raw hot dog…that man’s hands were like cold, raw hot dogs…they might have been nice at one time, but looking at them now, I see them as horrible, terrible, malicious monstrosities. I want to go home and get in bed forever.
I struggle when I have these big reactions to men. I am never sure about how to set a boundary…”Um, sir…could you please not touch me? I have a strong aversion to being touched by men of your profession, and it sent me into a rape fantasy shame spiral, and I’d prefer not to deal with these flashbacks from my childhood while I’m trying to teach a class. Thanks!” That doesn’t seem realistic…and I’m not sure how to respond without seeming nasty…
Me and God have some talking to do about this stuff with men.
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I struggle with this, too. I have serious issues with men I barely know being flirty with me, and knowing whether or not it’s appropriate for me to speak up. In fact, I wrote about this on my blog several months ago and some of the folks who commented helped me get a better idea of what to do in this situation. They helped me to realize that if *I’m* not comfortable with someone’s words, touch or behavior, it’s inappropriate. I define what’s appropriate or inappropriate for me, not some elusive social standard of decorum. It’s still hard, though–my desire to be polite and not cause a scene sometimes keeps me from speaking up, and then I get mad at myself for not defending my boundaries. That actually just happened a couple weeks ago at a wedding I attended.
I have huge issues with this and most people from my body language don’t ever get the opportunity to cross the boundary. I’ve had strangers come up to me in the recovery rooms and ask me if I’ve been sexually abused without me ever uttering a word.
But when someone is oblivious to my “do not touch” signals, there hasn’t been a problem when I’ve asked someone to not do it because it makes me uncomfortable. I’m sure to tell them it’s me and my issue. The other party doesn’t need to know details. But, frankly, they’re the ones invading my personal space, so why should I feel bad about asking them to wait for an invite?
No one has seemed mad at me about the request yet. Most seem to understand. And anyone who thinks it’s still ok to molest me after the talk is no one I could trust or want to be alone with.
I get this too. Setting physical boundaries has been hard for me too, but became easier when I read something in a codependency book about it. For me, saying firmly– that’s not okay with me, don’t do that” along with a physical stance showing I mean it, goes a long way. If there is awkward silence– so be it. The one person I had to be this obvious with got the message, and it’s not like I’ve had to say it again.
“Me and God have some talking to do about this stuff with men. ”
When I “talk with God” it is usually a pretty one-sided conversation. If I wish to “hear” God respond, it almost always is in the words of another trustworthy human.
Alone, I can conjure up words for God to be saying–just what I WANT to hear from Him. But with another, I have a much better chance of hear god’s very words for me.
Anyway, that’s MY experience–for your consideration, JW. OK? P E A C E…
Love you, JW!
We’re dealing with something similar in my house right now, which is part of why I’m posting after midnight. Extremely platonic hugs to you, jw!
You can simply say “Freddy, please don’t do that.” you don’t even have to explain how fraught it is for you, just ask him not to do it again. If you’re feeling like explaining tell him it makes you jump. it’s not impossible that he’s a decent human being who would respect that simple boundary.
If he doesn’t respect your request, though, the nature of the situation has changed, since you’ve asked him nicely not to do it. now, he’s disregarding a completely reasonable request, and it is clearly his bad.
hope this is helpful.
TJW, Reality check: It is OK to say, “Please don’t touch me.” No explanation necessary. Really it is OK.
I would not make myself vulnerable by sharing any personal information at all. This is not a friend and someone you would want to share with. It is empowering to protect myself and set boundaries. I look straight in the eye and say “Don’t do that again.” If they laugh it off, do not laugh - just repeat it again, “Don’t do that again.” End of convo. It is an awesome experience. Maybe try it.
sometimes the confrontation is too triggering and that’s ok. i think the administration would take it seriously and honestly it isn’t for you to handle a confrontation with a man. tell someone higher up and let them deal with him. they can just say a woman in the office said….
ugh i have had to deal with this so many times!
i have such a powerful voice and i am such a vocal person, but sometimes, with abuse in my history, these situations immediately make me so triggered I can only flee. it’s for the administration to handle the confrontation. not the woman.
This guy doesn’t sound harmless, he sounds gross. His behavior is extremely inappropriate and you should definitely tell someone.
This post just brought something else to my attention that I’ve often noticed in myself: It’s so much harder for me to set boundaries when someone seems to trigger me for reasons that seem to have nothing to do with them. Like, if someone reminds me of someone I had serious issues with in my past, I’m very cognizant of giving that person the benefit of the doubt and not overreacting. And I think it makes me more prone to overlooking their behavior when it begins to match up to that other person’s behavior. Something about it just seems sort of unbelievable–like, how can they be so much like this other person? I must be going crazy.
However, I think the more I’m coming to trust myself, the easier it’s becoming to see that I’m not crazy and I really can believe those bad vibes.
i am a touchy , feely, huggy guy.. i can tell when someone does not want the attention. call it instinct, call it smart, i just know.
Here’s an idea: tell him not to touch you. Say to him, “Please do not touch me; we barely know each other, so please do not touch me.” That would be a healthy thing to do.
brother franky you should never touch any woman without permission. EVER