Years ago, I read The Dilbert Future by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip, and was especially fascinated by his use of affirmations to focus on his goals and achieve success. I even tried the technique myself and found the process of spending some time each day affirming, in writing, some measurable, long-term goal was helpful. But I didn’t want to stop at writing affirmations about things like finding a new job or exercising more. What I really (secretly) liked about the idea of affirmations was the notion that it might be possible to use them to somehow control the world around me.

Maybe I could write something like “The Yankees will win the 2009 World Series” fifteen times a day and magically cause it to happen. I’d tried praying in the 1981 World Series (with obvious disastrous results) and had give up on both God and prayer in one swoop. Affirmations were like prayer, only atheist friendly. I wanted the world to do my will, and if wheedling a deity into using its omnipotence on my behalf didn’t work, maybe I needed to cut out the middle man and magically control the world myself.

Today, I found myself thinking about writing affirmations. Only I wasn’t thinking of using them around my personal goals; I found myself idly considering using them to try to control the outcome of a lottery that will determine whether or not my daughter gets to participate in an activity she’s interested in. It’s something I don’t have any control over, but desperately wish I did have control over. When I realized what I was considering, I thought of what I so often need to remind myself: God’s will, not my will; I pray only for the knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out.

Damn. Caught at that same old thinking again. I felt a momentary release as I started to let go and trust that everything would work out for the best, even if it didn’t work out my way, and then in one last desperate attempt, I thought, “Still, maybe I could try just a little, this one time. I’m sure just a little control of the universe this time wouldn’t be a problem, would it? And I won’t try it again. After this, it will be God’s will all the way.” As if I could stop at just one.