Somewhere, gathering dust on a dark, forgotten shelf in my house is a video that helped greatly in my recovery. It’s not one that you can buy on Amazon.com and it’s not one that will help any of you. It’s a video of me. Pre-recovery. Being angry and upset. Being really pissy. Being just a total screaming hellion. Or at least that’s what I thought. Until I watched the video.

The video is of me, and the rest of my extended family, getting ready for a big family event. We’re trying to get dressed and figure out where we’re going and get there on time. There are going to be people there that some of us have never met and people we haven’t seen for a very long time, and we want to look good and be sociable. Some of us are running late (as always), some of us are ready on time (as always). Those who are on time are badgering or sighing in exasperation at those running late, and those who are running late are snapping at those who are on time. We’re losing things and banging into each other and getting all kinds of frustrated and frazzled. And one of us has a video camera and is walking around filming the whole thing.

I remember so well how angry I was that day. How I stated my needs with razor sharp precision and clarity and how no one listened until I blew up and snapped at everyone. And how no one seemed to notice that either, as they all went blithely on their way without acknowledging it. I went out to that event so resentful, grumbling about how people didn’t consider my needs and wishes. Grumble, grumble, grumble. If they loved me they would…

And then, months later, I saw the video. Of me, speaking Codependent. When I was sure I’d said, “I really need to use the bathroom. Would you mind if I went next?” what I’d actually said (before walking quietly away) was, “Oh, there’s someone in the bathroom. I guess I’ll find something else to do.” When I thought I’d said, “Turn that f-ing camera off so I can get dressed in private!” what I’d actually said was “Wow, you really are taking a lot of video.” I wasn’t making requests. I wasn’t setting boundaries. I wasn’t being open and honest about my feelings. I was making casual observations that those around me were supposed to magically interpret as statements of my wants and needs. And I was getting pissed off when they failed to read my mind and obey my secret wishes.

But I wasn’t expressing any of that anger either, although I thought I was. I was certain that there was a point at which I exploded in rage and snapped at people. In my mind, I could see it so clearly. And then I saw it approaching on the video. Here, surely, was where we’d see some drama. Instead, it was one of those things that you’d have to play over and over again in slow motion to catch. “And… Wait for it… Wait for it… There! Did you see my eye twitch a little? Did you see it? That was it!” That moment, where I thought I was really angry and supremely rude was actually the one moment where I even seemed to approach a statement of my needs. I intone in a sing-song, with a smile, something like, “Give me just one moment to get my shoes on, please!” And we fade to black…