One Stupid Night
Aug 17, 09- (by Eli Hornby)
- 15 responses
- Sober Salon
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I lost my way.
I used last night. I don’t know why. I’m still coming down so I’m not thinking very clearly.
During the darkest hours of the night, I thought about how my brain works. I knew that if I waited for morning, I would try to hide my mistake, and would find myself caught up in the machinery of addiction. I would think that I could stop it all through prayer and willpower and work, sidestepping disclosure. I’ve been there with embarrassing frequency, in that cycle of swearing off, planning, acting out, then starting over again and again.
So I woke up Linsey at 4:00 and told her what I’d done. I don’t want to get caught in a week or a month, wandering the house while the world is sleeping. I need to stop now, I said. I’ll reset my sobriety date (I had seven months) and get back to living. And I knew that whatever shame I felt today or tomorrow wouldn’t be worse than the nightmare of living in my addictions.
My addictions. I’ve been a little vague because, frankly, I’m kind of embarrassed. But what the hell, here ya go: I’m addicted to DXM and internet porn. DXM is dextromethorphan, or cough syrup. Yes, over-the-counter cough syrup in “recreational” quantities. The reason I feel stupid is that being addicted to Robitussin is very high-schoolish, and a real sex addict is supposed to be visiting massage parlors, right? I’m such a fucking teenager when it comes to my vices. I throw in abusive doses of a couple other prescriptions as well, and I find nirvana. My rehab psychiatrist once said, “we become chemists.”
I am the luckiest man in the world. I have beautiful, intriguing children. I get to sing and make music for a living. My wife is generous and kind and diligent in her own recovery, and we are finding the way together. I have been reading through your past comments and I am humbled to be here with you. I ask that you forgive my selfishness. I’m getting back to work.
Image credit: nervousgravity @ deviantart.com
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you are still loved.
brother frankie
a biker for Christ
Eli, to me this doesn’t seem like a failure, but a huge, glowing triumph. You used, but then right away got back on track. You immediately held yourself accountable and made amends. That shows learning and growth. And because you’re clearly learning how to stop the process before it gets out of control, I’m going to guess you’ll know what to do next time to stop the process even before you use. Seems to me like you’re growing in self awareness.
Eli, Margaux (I truly respect her opinions) wrote that you might know what to do to stop the process before you use. To me, that is the whole point, that “process”…that’s where it is, that you have some control (you and God). That’s the time to call my sponsor –or some other trusted soul.
Once I get to the end of the process, God is OUT by then (I have pushed God out!), and I am powerless by then…so the die is cast, and I suffer the guilt and remorse which results from the finale.
It’s like I can stop my bike any time when speeding toward the edge of a cliff, but there is that moment in time when I am past the point of no return. No Turning back.
If you (really) want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it (”IT”…that elusive “it”, I call “it” GOD and all that implies!), you are ready to do certain things, take certain steps.
But hey, when YOU are ready, that’s when the miracle will take place. When YOU have decided you’ve “had enough!”
AND, As Margaux wrote, man, you came BACK…right away! So get down to business again, figure out what didn’t work. You know, you COULD “destroy all the URLs, Passwords, Emails, Addresses, etc. If it were me, and I really wanted to stop, I’d wipe my HD clean, and begin with a “like-new” computer.
Now, Eli, THAT would be a comittment. No excuses, first things first. It’s like an alkie (me) getting rid of all the booze in the house, throwing it OUT! Something powerful about that, hey?
And you could give ALL your meds to your wife…the legal, illegal or whatever. Let her dole them out to you. How about that?
You know it is SO EASY to write all this “ideal” stuff, but please know I’m writing it from a place of love, Eli. Love for you, and for all who suffer from addictions of any kind. (I could easily be next, ya know–well not TOO easily!)
Peace for you, from
Steve
Sorry, didn’t realize I had written a BLONG for a simple comment. I’ll try to watch it next time.
Eli, how typical of an addict to belittle even your addictions! I’m so glad you wrote about it because the hidden shame is often so much worse than the reality. There are so many of us out here, myself included, who have been where you are and understand your pain. We aren’t addicts because this is what we want to be. We have to put one foot in front of the other every single day to get away from that desire to escape. The good news is that every day is a new opportunity to begin, and you caught yourself before things spun away from you.
It’s going to be alright. You know what you need to do.
Eli,
What happened before you used? I mean literally, as is whatever is or isn’t in your middle circle? I’m more interested in what’s going on with you than what you did. I don’t believe in accidents. There had to have been a trigger, a precipitating event.
Looking at it from the front end may be a lot more useful than after the fact. Something happened. What? You went somewhere. Where? Tell us. Could you have posted here before?
Bless you. Bless your integrity.
I still support you, Eli. Today is a new day. I don’t think anyone here cares what your addiction is (although your honesty is appreciated and I think healthy for your recovery), we just want you well. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. You remain in my prayers.
Eli,
I can’t say much more than the others already have. You have my love and support. Now like you said, GET BACK TO WORK!
Eli, I agree with the previous comments above… I can’t remember whose blog I read this on,but it echoed the thoughts that a huge portion of the key is getting right back on track right away, and that’s exactly what you did. Today is a new day. You (and your family) are in my thoughts and prayers.
Eli, the honesty is a huge factor to success I think and herre you are, there you were at 4 am being honest. What more can the world ask from you?
Honesty is not such an easy thing, so give yourself some credit - becuase it is due.
I’m with “the other bed” - figuring out the trigger will help you almost as much as quickly admitting your slip. backing up the truck and seeing the flags along the way helped me so much to identify what it is that keeps pushing my face into my addictions.
All I can say is - you’re an awesome person - I resonate what’s already been written. Your courage is amazing - it’s done. It’s over. Keep doing the good work you’ve been doing.
with blessings,
HRW
The first time I admitted to myself that I am an addict and I cannot do this alone I thought that was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. It was so thoroughly humiliating.
But it was harder to keep trying after relapsing; much, much harder. You’re on the right track in being immediately honest with your wife and yourself.
The other commenters are completely correct when they say you’re courageous. So is your wife.
If you had hid this, you would have learned nothing in all of your sobriety. The fact that you admit you had lost control and gave what you did a name; tells me you may of stepped off the path temporarily but you want your sobriety far more than the addictions.
Nothing is small when it comes to the loss of control. I don’t sit in judgement of you. Rather hold out a hand and say, “Need a hand up and someone to walk a ways with you?”
My dear friend you are not alone and I find your honesty courageous in the face of your addictions. (Hugs)Indigo
Your honesty is inspirational. You are loved.