I Don’t Buy It.
Aug 9, 09- (by JunkysWife)
- 6 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
Email This Post
Here’s an article that’s been circling among some of my friends recently, recounting a woman’s choice of responding peacefully to her husband’s decision to leave her family. I found her attitude compelling, and I thought it would pass it along.
I’ve found myself in recovery responding to my husband’s mood swings, wild decisions, and compulsive behaviors with a refrain similar to Laura Munson’s, “I don’t buy it.”
My instincts in these situations tell me to leave, to run, to fight back, to accuse or cajole or wish or find just the right words to make things work out my way. Fight or flight kicks in when the verbal slings and arrows start flying, and I just want to get to the part where the pain is over. I am learning in recovery to stop everything, hunker down, and endure. It is not the easy way out. It does not mean that I will get what I want. It does not allow for cathartic blow ups or escape–but it is the path of love, kindness, and respect.
Sometimes, standing still against my husband’s storm feels about as safe as standing naked outside in a hurricane, but I’m learning how to endure it well. I’m also finding, like Munson did, that my refusal to react helps me to keep my selfhood intact in difficult situations. I realize that what’s happening to me isn’t really about me at all–it’s about my husband’s hurts and sickness, and refusing to react to it is a refusal to participate in the madness. It helps him. It helps me. It helps the relationship have a stronger foundation when things settle back down. It allows me to get through the crisis instead of prolonging it by my attempts to control the situation.
It builds the bridge to the other side. In the end, it’s the easier way.
Related articles:
Stumble it! 
Delicious Facebook
Respond now.
Previous post: « Steve E. hosts Sunday chat
Next post: outside the comfort zone »
Yup, Munson totally gets it. I don’t think, however, that most people–either very early in recovery or not in recovery–would understand this approach at all. I think it takes working through a lot of the anger, finding humility and, at the same time, finding strength in who you are to get the point where you can say, “I don’t buy it.” On the surface, it seems like denial, but there’s actually a huge difference: You’re truly accepting that the circumstances are the way they are, and you’re also setting boundaries.
The “I don’t believe it” sounds like denial to me because it is one person telling the other person what they are saying and feeling isn’t valid. It sounds like a gamble to me. However, I don’t disagree with much of how the woman in the article handled the rest of her situation. Not doing anything drastic and waiting is not a bad approach, especially when children are involved. I do think if it were me, I wouldn’t have let his unreliable ass stick around in the house. That would be a boundary I’d find intolerable and unfair to me and my kid. But that’s me.
Yeah, Vicarious, I agree that she probably could have set firmer boundaries. I would have kicked his ass out of the house, too, but I still would have had kept her attitude (which, really, you could sum up with one simple phrase: Detaching with Love.) I think it’s also important to note that she set a time limit on it–she gave him six months. I think that was one good boundary in and of itself.
The other issue that Ms. Munson didn’t seem to have in her situation was addiction. That changes the dynamics of any relationship. Ms. Munson’s husband eventually returned to his family, but we who have relationships with addicts, know too well that “in and out” pattern, which makes the relationship that much more painful. TJW - I respect your decisions. I was not married to my addict. That makes all the difference. But I had enough…..he’s gone.
Well said, both of you.
[...] The Junky’s Wife recently posted about an article that’s been doing its wildfire dance through the Internet. It passed through my inbox several times as girlfriend after girlfriend blasted it out to everyone in their address books until I got the creepy feeling that this was the latest set of helpful household hints, the marital equivalent of that e-mail I keep getting about how to use Bounce fabric softener sheets to do everything from repel mosquitoes to deodorize sneakers. Here’s the answer, ladies! When your husband tells you he doesn’t love you anymore: tell him you don’t buy it, detach from his craziness and he will eventually run back to you, making your marriage good as new! Finally, the right way to do things. But here’s the part where I get to say that I don’t buy it. [...]