I have taken to my bed for the day. It feels good. I don’t want to do anything ever again. I want to sleep forever, or at least until it’s over, whatever it is.

I have good friends. People answer the phone when I call them, and they call me spontaneously to check on me. That’s good stuff.

There’s a meeting tonight. I’m going to go. That’s good.

I don’t have anything else to say.

While I was away on my mini vacation a few weeks ago, I relaxed with some cheesy movie watching. Among the brainless, feel-good flicks I watched was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, which stars Matthew McConaughey as Connor Mead, an alcoholic sex addict trying to turn his life around at his brother’s wedding. Well, I don’t think the movie actually refers to him as an alcoholic or a sex addict, but given the fact that, in an effort to numb his feelings, he trashes the wedding cake looking for a drink and tries to get the bride’s mother into bed, it’s probably…

Patrick Appel at The Daily Dish looks at the placebo effect and culture:

Wired says it’s getting stronger:

[T]he placebo response is highly sensitive to cultural differences. Anthropologist Daniel Moerman found that Germans are high placebo reactors in trials of ulcer drugs but low in trials of drugs for hypertension—an undertreated condition in Germany, where many people pop pills for herzinsuffizienz, or low blood pressure. Moreover, a pill’s shape, size, branding, and price all influence its effects on the body. Soothing blue capsules make more effective tranquilizers than angry red ones, except among Italian men, for whom the color blue is associated with their…

There is a parable in the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People about a person who works harder and harder to saw down a tree because of a perception that there is no time to stop, take a break and sharpen the saw. I have never been a big saw sharpener. I like to push and push and say, “Just this one more thing and then I can take a break. I’ll stop when this is finished. It would be selfish of me to stop when other people aren’t.” And because I’m a perfectionist, I have rarely been able to…

I cannot help but find myself at such a loss after hearing of the death of one of our own.  DJ AM aka Adam Goldstein, was found dead in his NYC apartment.  Allegedly, there were prescription drugs and a crack pipe found in his possession. Adam had been admittedly clean and sober since 1997 after a suicide attempt. He had 11 ½ years of recovery and was working on a show with MTV helping other addicts find recovery. 

let me drown in rivers red

let me fall in the ravine

do not try to reach for me

do not spoil the view pristine

the attraction of the fall

offered those who dare to drop

over edges into nothing

knowing there’s no way to stop

‘til with time awareness comes

with a dull and painful throb

and your memories return

of the fall you wouldn’t stop

you cry out with tears of rage

you cry out from heartfelt dread

save me from those deep ravines

save me from these rivers red

picture:  http://obscene-emo-queen.deviantart.com/art/And-The-Rivers-Run-Red-54625023

…

Tonight’s chat at TSR is pretty special, for two reasons. First, the host Steve E. has made a 1,000 mile pilgrimage, VIA SCOOTER, to join us at TSR headquarters. (Yes, we actually have an office! Where you can stop by and visit! ) Second, tonight is the first time that a Sober Chat has actually been broadcast from the TSR office. Usually, we are all sitting at home, chatting way from our respective cities around Virginia.

Steve’s expedition has brought us all together, and we hope you will join in tonight at 8pm EST to feel the love. If you aren’t…

When dealing with alcoholism, identifying what to abstain from in order to maintain sobriety is relatively straightforward: don’t drink alcohol. But defining sobriety when the addiction is sex or food or (in the case of some of us codependents) addicts can be trickier. At least five separate 12 Step programs exist for sex addicts and three for their partners,* each with its own approach to the problem of defining sobriety. For example, Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) applies the same definition of sobriety (no sex with self or partners other than one’s spouse) to all its members, while other groups use various…

I have recently had the privilege of doing volunteer work for a 24-7 Prayer House and participating in one of their prayer vigils. If there’s one near you, I recommend checking it out.

I’m not sure what they’re like all over, but the one near me combines the magic of an art gallery with free coffee, an extensive library of spiritually-centered books, and private booths for contemplative prayer. There’s a booth for “forgiveness,” a booth for “confession,” one for “submission,” and on and one. I love this place with my whole heart, and I think everyone should have their own.

The concept of…

A good article on the relationship between gratitude and happiness.

A psychology professor at the University of Michigan, Peterson regularly gave his students an unusual homework assignment. He asked them to write a “gratitude letter,” a kind of belated thank-you note to someone in their lives. Studies show such letters provide long-lasting mood boosts to the writers. Indeed, after the exercise, Peterson says his students feel happier “100 percent of the time.”

…The biggest bonuses come from experiencing gratitude habitually, but natural ingrates needn’t despair. Simple exercises can give even skeptics a short-term mood boost, and “once you get started, you find more…

During the first year after I discovered my husband’s sex addiction, I attended S-Anon, 12 Step meetings for friends and family members of sex addicts. At the beginning of each meeting we would read “The S-Anon Problem.” I hated “The S-Anon Problem.” I hated it so passionately that I used to skip the beginning of meetings, coming in late each week to avoid hearing it. And when I did have to hear it I would seethe and writhe. I wanted to get up and punch someone. I wanted to tear out the hair of the people who wrote it. I…

What is your definition of “sanity”?

Last night’s step study ended before we got to this question in our Celebrate Recovery workbooks. I didn’t get to share my answer. So here ya go…

Sanity is stopping this relapse before the demon in my head possessed me again. Thank God I’m not in my addiction today.

Sanity is having friends like you, that I’ve never met, who encourage me and pour out heartfelt empathy and solid advice when I’m at my worst. I appreciated every one of your comments last week.

Sanity is leaving the most uncomfortable counseling appointment I’ve ever had, and knowing what…

Researchers hypothesize that depression is an adaptation rather than dysfunction:

One reason to suspect that depression is an adaptation, not a malfunction, comes from research into a molecule in the brain known as the 5HT1A receptor. The 5HT1A receptor binds to serotonin, another brain molecule that is highly implicated in depression and is the target of most current antidepressant medications. Rodents lacking this receptor show fewer depressive symptoms in response to stress, which suggests that it is somehow involved in promoting depression. (Pharmaceutical companies, in fact, are designing the next generation of antidepressant medications to target this receptor.) When scientists have compared the composition…

I am currently at the laundromat, having realized that I don’t need to wash the entire mountain of clothes that has accrued in my closet. I can do it one load at a time! Based on essentials! Based on the window of time I have that day! I’m preserving my sanity AND I will have some clean socks to wear to class tonight–the two things might even be connected.

It’s these little realizations that help me live a more graceful life, because I tell you, this human experience is fraught with curves, mountains, descents, and straightaways. I didn’t become healthy the…

“Why do I create this torturous situation for myself? Why won’t I just get a job, get ok with being on methadone, and get off it like everybody else? What the fuck is wrong with me?” he said, storming around our house at 5:30 in the morning.

I’d already given up on sleep. I was drinking coffee and writing product descriptions for a catalog. This week, he’s gone down on his methadone dose 10 milligrams. He went down 4 last week. It’s way too fast.

I’m not sure why he feels compelled to go down so quickly, especially right after a relapse.…

This summer, I’ve been keeping the kids busy by running them around outside and spending lots of time splashing around in the water. The idea has been to wear them down so that they go to bed on time (an idea which totally has not panned out because apparently it only works well on adults, like me). Driven by the clamor for something continually new, we’ve abandoned our familiar haunts and set off for the great, fun unknown — well, at least as far as the kids are concerned. To conserve my own energy and research time, we’re actually spending…

I am not a political commentator or analyst, and this is a recovery site. However, there is something that has been brewing in my mind and I would love to try and express it here, on TSR and I welcome your opinions. I’ve been thinking about the allowances that were offered to Ted Kennedy because of his family legacy. Kennedy was perpetually offered public forgiveness and legal respite. His legacy demonstrates that yes, an alcoholic and a murderer can contest or co-exist with their addiction while simultaneously advancing life for others. In a sense, advancing the human condition while suffering…

I was driving to work a few mornings ago, and I was thinking over the last few days with my husband. There have been some good times. In recovery, I am learning to appreciate the good times, even when we are struggling through difficult problems. When we laugh, when we touch, and when he shows me love, it is good; the nastiness of his disease doesn’t negate the magical moments.

Sometimes, though, I linger over the good times so much that I miss the way that he’s really struggling. His sleep is erratic. He’ll not sleep for 3 days, and then…

I came out of hiding because there are some things in the blog world that simply can’t be ignored. Additionally, I welcome an opportunity to focus on something other than my own personal drama. My head has been ensconced within a bubble of transformational life stuff and quite frankly, I need an escape. Since none of you are buying (kidding!) I decided that a tribute post was in order.

Many in Blogland are familiar with Steve E. of Another Sober Alcoholic, TSR contributor, Master of the Blong, and all around good guy. My good buddy Gabriella Moonlight and I had the…

Amazing what happens when addicts are provided with high quality treatment of the appropriate duration and intensity.

Abstract

BACKGROUND: Anesthesiologists have a higher rate of substance use disorders than other physicians, and their prognoses and advisability to return to anesthesiology practice after treatment remain controversial. Over the past 25 yr, physician health programs (PHPs), created under authority of state medical regulatory boards, have become primary resources for management and monitoring of physicians with substance abuse and other mental health disorders.

METHODS: We conducted a 5-yr, longitudinal, cohort study involving 904 physicians consecutively admitted to 1 of 16 state PHPs between 1995 and 2001. This report analyzed a subset of the data involving the…

“We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” -BB, pg.83

Recently I read Dharma Punx, by Noah Levine. Throughout the book, Levine consistently takes full responsibility for his past actions when drinking and drugging. The entire book was incredibly inspirational for me; motivating me to reconnect with my meditation practice and triggering some deep thinking about making amends. A full review of his book can be found here.

Levine writes that carried resentments are a poison that could easily lead alcoholics back to drinking,…

I would like to announce the “Scootin for Recovery” ride, or pilgrimage, currently on the road–and possibly coming to a town near you. That is not the official name for the ride, in fact, there isn’t one that I know of…but I will send a TSR tshirt to the person who can come up with the best name for this 2,000 mile scooter ride.
Blogger Steve E. has taken to the road for recovery with a rough itinerary that includes stops in:

Orlando FL
St Augustine FL
Jacksonville FL
Charleston South Carolina
Columbia SC
Charlotte North Carolina
Richmond Virginia
Charlottesville, VA
Norfolk VA
Newport news VA

Return via alternate route TBA

He has…

Somewhere, gathering dust on a dark, forgotten shelf in my house is a video that helped greatly in my recovery. It’s not one that you can buy on Amazon.com and it’s not one that will help any of you. It’s a video of me. Pre-recovery. Being angry and upset. Being really pissy. Being just a total screaming hellion. Or at least that’s what I thought. Until I watched the video.

The video is of me, and the rest of my extended family, getting ready for a big family event. We’re trying to get dressed and figure out where we’re going and get…

This past week-end I went to see the movie “Julie and Julia,” a story about a young woman who decides to make every one of Julia Child’s 524 recipes in her famous book in the period of one year and write a blog about it.  She becomes obsessed with this project and as she progresses through each recipe, she becomes more like Julia Child, even to the point of wearing a single strand of pearls, just like Julia’s.  The movie also is about the real Mrs. Child and how she got her start in cooking and became the icon for…

Roger Ebert breaks his anonymity:

You may be wondering, in fact, why I’m violating the A.A. policy of anonymity and outing myself. A.A. is anonymous not because of shame but because of prudence; people who go public with their newly-found sobriety have an alarming tendency to relapse. Case studies: those pathetic celebrities who check into rehab and hold a press conference.

In my case, I haven’t taken a drink for 30 years, and this is God’s truth: Since the first A.A. meeting I attended, I have never wanted to. Since surgery in July of 2006 I have literally not been…

This is my first post as Rah Covery Miles. However, you know me. I am the blogger formerly known as A.Miles. I know it is hard to address someone as “A.Miles,” in the blog comments. So most of you used my real name. You can now call me Rah, ok?! My anonymity is very important to me. While most of you know me because I do behind the scenes work at TSR, that should not imply I am comfortable being addressed by my public name. The name that future employers will use and that will show up on a thorough…

I used to love to watch The Odd Couple on TV growing up. I always hated Felix, so prissy and uptight, but I loved Oscar, unable to find his bed under piles of clothes and bits of old sandwiches. That, I thought, is me. And it’s been true.

Mark and I had a friend come to visit once at an especially crazy point in our lives; Mark was finishing school and looking for a job while we simultaneously searched for a new apartment. We came home after an afternoon out apartment hunting to find that our friend (much to both our…

Tim Leighton takes on what he refers to as “Randomized Controlled Trial dogma.”

Keep in mind he’s writing from the U.K., where the treatment landscape is very different. To be sure, over the years various dogmas (12-step, psychiatrization, moral models, etc.) have stifled progress in effectively treating addictions. Unfortunately, some of the criticism of treatment and the recovery movement seem more like the assertion of a new dogma rather than constructive critical thinking.

What are dogmas for? They are doctrines which safeguard certain interests. People crave dogmatic authority because, as T.S. Eliot said, ‘human kind cannot bear too much reality’.

It is not…

Dan Pink gave a talk on motivation and rewards at the TED conference. Of course, his talk has nothing to do with addiction, recovery or treatment. He is talking about management in the business world, not addiction treatment, but one can’t help but wonder what lessons could be drawn from this.

He argues that “if/then” rewards work only for very simple tasks. Further, for more complicated tasks, ones that require creativity, rewards actually harm outcomes. He argues that for these more complicated tasks, an approach organized around autonomy, mastery and purpose are what leads to the best outcomes.

It seems like this philosophy…

My husband sometimes is dismayed that I might lack faith in him. Three months ago, he spent the month carousing with another woman and otherwise breaking my heart. Two weeks ago, he relapsed hugely and sold the third computer out from underneath my nose. I wonder why I would be afraid? I wonder why I might lack faith in him?

When he reaches a new centering in his behavior after a severe swing away into addict land, he believes that the whole affair is over. It’s behind us. He’s a new man, etc. Alas, I cannot proffer him that kind of…