Turn Around
Jul 30, 09- (by Eli Hornby)
- 11 responses
- Sober Salon
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We’re in an RV park just outside of Yosemite. The kids get into little screamy fights a few times a day because of the close quarters, (James says, “I just need my personal space!”) but other than that we’re having a great time. I’m still struggling, as I wrote in my last post. I spoke to my wife just a little bit ago, so that she knows what’s going on, and I’m hoping if I keep doing the right things I can turn around.
Turn around is exactly the right phrase. The problem isn’t as much what I’m doing, as where I’m heading. My gray-area, middle circle activities haven’t taken me into to a relapse, but if they continue, they will. Even if I am “good” for a significant period of time, what I notice is that I am still heading the wrong direction. I’m in that cycle of obsession/anticipation/adrenaline/release, and it feels just like it does when I’m full-on in my addiction. This is what’s so frightening. I relapsed during our vacation last year, and for months, Linsey said she never wanted to plan a vacation for us again.
So even if my activities don’t look significantly different (I haven’t really been able to act out in the crowded space of the RV), I am ready to be different inside, on a spiritual level. I’m glad I’ve been in recovery long enough to know when something is wrong spiritually, even if things aren’t falling apart yet on the outside.
Back to recovery for me. Reading, prayer, talking to the right people, and gratitude. I will remember to see what’s really happening: My addict tells me that by being honest I’m giving up the ability to get away with a few marginally exciting sketchy activities. What’s really happening is I’m choosing to be present and sober on this vacation. Instead of being distracted by plans in the back of my mind for the selfish things I can do when I get home, I want to breathe deeply of the mountain air, and quietly take in all the beauty that defines this amazing and spiritual place.
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Eli–the lady who started TSR is in Yosemite RIGHT NOW!
HOW COOL!
Stay close to God and God will stay close to you. Spiritual warfare can be the toughest. God has the power. He will bless your efforts.
PG
Eli~ I’m glad you told your wife what you’re feeling inside. Our cabin is 30 miles from Yosemite! It is my favorite place to be when I’m feeling “off,” in any way. I pray that the mountain air does your mind and soul good! Have fun making memories with your family Eli.
Eli~Someone recently pointed out to me that nowhere in the promises does it guarantee that we will feel good ALL the time. This too shall pass. Sobriety gives us choices…you are not a victim. God is there with you, even if you don’t feel it right now. I will pray for you.
Eli, what a neat blog today, and the ‘coincidence’, the TSR connection–this is good stuff! Just remember, do what everyone else here does: STAY SOBER/CLEAN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
Alix- That IS pretty cool. I think most of us are a lot more connected than we realize.
Prayer Girl- I used to kind of blow off the idea of spiritual warfare. I don’t anymore!
ChaiLatte- I’d forgotten you’re in CA with me. And I’m learning to come to these kinds of place when I fell “off” too.
Karen- You’re right about not always feeling good. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s a season, and it will pass.
Steve- Good to remember the main thing. I might mope, or be anxious or lazy or whatever - but no matter what, stay clean.
Eli - our disease follows us wherever we go, even to Yosemite…..being different on the inside always shows up on the outside. And those marginally excited sketchy activities - Oh! I know them well. I heard this the other day and I had forgotten it, “I treat my mind like a bad neighborhood - I don’t go there alone.” Enjoy the cramped quarters - what a gift to be able to go to Yosemite with your family!
Eli - hang in there friend. Just the fact that you are aware of this going on is a good sign. You can get a hold of it before it goes any further. Honesty will get you EVERYWHERE!
im a prayin, im a prayin for ya!!!
you are loved!
Brother Frankie
a biker for Christ
hey eli - it could be the remembrance of the last vacation that is causing this cycle and not a relapse. the rush from the memory of the last vacation is a strong memory. so glad you’re choosing to be present. disengaging is one of the most difficult temptations for me to face now. it’s really what my addiction is about at it’s core level. i choose not to be present to those around me - i’m in control - i choose to meet my own needs - immediately - i need no one… my prayers are with you as you travel. take every thought captive brother.
Saying a prayer for you Eli. I have a feeling there is a huge gift waiting for you at the end of this vacation. The “dark side” as I like to refer to my disease in times like these, is battling to get you back, stay close to God. Remember cunning, baffling and powerful. Don’t give it any more power than it has already. You can do it!