The newborn daughter of a very dear friend of mine recently had heart surgery to correct a congenital defect. Fortunately, the surgery went smoothly, the defect was easy to correct and the baby is doing just fine. Still, it’s been a few weeks of highly emotional extremes. (Yay! The baby is here. Oh no! The baby is having heart surgery. Yay! Everything went well. Oh no! My friend is even more exhausted and stressed than the typical first time parent of a newborn.) I’ve spent a good deal of time in recent weeks thinking about my friend, her husband and her baby, and I’ve spent some time noticing (oh, what a change that is from years past!) how I’m thinking about them and what my impulses are. And I’ve found my impulse is to shop. And research. But mostly research about what I could shop for.

I had a carefully picked out perfect gift before the baby was even conceived and I’d purchased it as soon as the news was out that my friend was pregnant. I spent more than I normally would, but this is more than a normal friend. Now that the baby was here and needed special care, I found myself wanting to shower my friend in still more gifts. I asked friends who had dealt with hospitalized babies what they might need. I asked friends who are pediatricians and nurses for suggestions. I googled and googled. And in the end I had a list of lots of helpful goods and services. And I wanted to buy everything on the list.

I wanted to purchase things in excess of what my family could afford, with no regard for what we could afford. In part, I wanted to let my friend know how much I care and how much I love her, but I realized that I also wanted to make sure that everything was done the “right” way, that she wanted for nothing, that every inch of her road was as smooth as it could be (as smooth as only my codependent superpowers could make it). I sat at the computer with items in three different online shopping carts (complete with extra fees for wrapping and express shipping) and my mouse hovering over the “Purchase” button when it struck me that my impulse was coming as much from lack of trust as from love.

My friend lives in the same small town where she grew up and is part of a tight knit community. She is surrounded by friends and family, both hers and her husband’s. She has people who can (and are) helping with cooking, cleaning and shopping, who can (and will) take good care of her. I don’t have to be everything to her. I don’t have to do everything for her. I don’t have to drain my bank account to show my love for her or take care of her every need singlehandedly. I can be there and be a good friend and still trust other people to be there for her too. I can trust her to ask for my help if she needs it and I can trust her Higher Power to take care of her. Wow. What a surprise to see that I had been carrying the weight of her world, and what a relief to empty those shopping carts and let it go.

Well, mostly. I still did buy just one more gift. But with a new baby in town, sometimes a little excessiveness feels just right.