I fear business trips. But it’s not my own business trips I fear — as a mom who left corporate work behind some nine years ago, I don’t get those myself anymore — it’s my husband’s. When Mark was active in his sex addiction, (unbeknownst to me at the time) the trips he took for business were veritable perfect storms for acting out. The simmering brew of loneliness in an unfamiliar city, exhaustion brought on by travel and stress about his work triggered the compulsive behaviors he used to self-medicate. And on top of that, his location (most often a hotel room in a major city) generally provided plentiful opportunities for acting out (from porn to strip clubs to prostitutes).

When Mark started in recovery, he changed jobs and took a position that required no business travel at all. He didn’t feel he was ready to travel safely at that point, and I was grateful that I didn’t have to add one more post-traumatic stress trigger to my life just then. Over the years, as his job has changed, he has occasionally been asked to do business travel. He weighs the merits of each trip and talks to me about the impact on me and on our family; sometimes (especially early on) he has refused to go, but sometimes he takes the trip. And every now and then, when he does, a bit of fear creeps up and wraps itself around me. Ok, ok, sometimes more than a bit. There are times when business trips can really make me crazy.

It so happens that Mark has one of those crazy-making business trips coming up in a few weeks, and I’ve felt that fear tightening its grip around me once again. He’ll be flying overseas to visit a wealthy business partner who will be treating them to a tour in his private jet, lavish meals and a stay at a luxurious resort. And when I think of wealth and power and indulgence, my mind flies to an overseas trip years ago, when a wealthy and powerful executive in his company rewarded Mark an his coworkers with a night at a strip club, complete with lap dances for all.

And there, as the past casts its shadow on the future, lies fear. It’s a fear that has nothing to do with the present moment, where we are both using all the tools we’ve amassed in the last six years to communicate our feelings honestly and to maintain our respective states of mental health and sobriety. But as I sit with that fear today, with those tools at my disposal, I’m reminded by its dark presence that I must be out of touch with my Higher Power. When I am present and in touch with my Higher Power, there is no fear. The fear, I realize, is a gift that reminds me what I need to do to be free of fear. It guides me back to contact with my Higher Power and back to my faith that Mark and I both (together or separately) will be ok whatever happens, because it is all part of our journey, our learning, our growth. As feel my Higher Power once again, I’m able to breathe, let my shoulders drop away from my ears and gently release that dark shadow and watch it fade away.