I never liked cards
Jul 3, 09- (by Kristin H.)
- 9 responses
- Family and Friends, Mind, Body, Spirit, Sober Salon, Sobriety Salon
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When I was a little girl, my four older brothers used to torment me for sport. Holding me down and dangling spit loogies over my face was a good one. Wrapping me up in blankets like a burrito and yanking me about the house was another one. The one I hated the most was 52 Card Pickup. They would take a neatly stacked deck of cards and toss them about in the air over my head and then have me pick them up once they were scattered across the floor. It never occurred to me to say no. They were older, bigger, stronger and if I threw a fit and mom or dad got involved, they would seek revenge through the silent treatment. To me, being iced out by those who were supposed to love me was worse than any spit loogie. So I put up with what was uncomfortable so that I could get my needs met. How’s that for sick behavior?
At 8 years of sobriety, I have come to the conclusion that I am still engaging in the same behaviors of my childhood. My desire to be comfortable has begun to morph into complacency tinged with fear. Fear of what others will think if I rock the boat. Fear of what will happen if I attempt to venture out on a limb branched with my own wild desires. Fear of economic insecurity. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being uncomfortable. Fear that my neatly stacked deck of cards that I call my life will no longer be reassembled in a way that makes sense. Fear that others will be hurt. Fear that I will be hurt. But the truth is that I am hurting regardless. I have allowed the wishes and intentions of others to override what I believe in and I have done so for the longest time because it was the easier, softer way.
I have taken matters into my own hands and will begin therapy in a week in an attempt to make sense of what has become of my life. Hopefully, with the therapist’s guidance, I will develop a healthier form of communication for when the time comes to say no to my 52 Card Pickup. I am taking my life back. I plan to stay sober doing it.
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Oh Lord. 5 older brothers? Geezum!
I heard something good today from a friend, and so I’ll share it now. It seems apropos; “Either way, I think our consciousness is “ensnared” only if we let ourselves be. Our challenges/obstacles can actually make us dig deeper (rather than being complacent because we have no incentive to “dig”), and, thereby, help us awaken more deeply and more quickly.”
Glad you are seeking someone to help you sort through this and my thoughts are with you.
I’m really glad you’re looking at healthy ways to meet your needs. I hope things ease up for you soon. {{{{Kristin}}}}
Re. 52-card pick-up: Kristin, TRIVIA on my blog is about a poker deck, etc. Sheck it out if ya gotta minute.
I.\’ve got a topic for Sunday…all I have to do is to beat Alix to the chat room. I bet she’ll cheat, she’ll be in the room early or something. Ha!
I would NEVER cheat! But if call ya Sunday afternoon, could we get in ahead of the clock? Oh well, I knew you’d say “No!”
Just missed you Friday night…but got to trade stuff w Alix, so it was fun–for me anyway. I believe she wants to boot me off chat, so I’m going to begin anew, try to behave. So for starters I could just change my name. Karl?
Tell your new “T” you know a nice guy named Karl who wants to play 52-card pick-up. Seriously, I have this strong feeling that you’re gonna be OK…GREAT, even!
Karl!
Alix & Judith: you two are awesome. You know that?
Steve, er, ‘Karl’: um…thanks? Ok. Really. Thanks. I appreciate your vote of confidence. Something tells me that you’ll be in the chatroom before anyone else. I just have this feeling…..
Ya know what, Kristin? I don’t care if you and Alix want to talk about knitting, or fingernail biting. I just wanna BE there with y’all, ’cause ya know, I LIKE you Peeps! A lot! You help me stay sober. You help me “be willing to grow along spiritual lines.” After all, that’s the POINT! Right? (Karl?) No, let’s bury him, before he’s out of control -grin!
Sunday July 5, Anna will celebrate 24 years sober…..(Prayer Girl!)
Knitting is the last thing I want to talk about with Alix. Just sayin’.
I was hoping we could talk about Alternative Meditative Breathwork techniques. I don’t have fingernails.
Alix: excellent topic. And how funny…I don’t have fingernails either.