A few years ago, I was visiting my friend Ellie and was a guest in her house for the first time in my life. I had just taken a shower and was standing in her bathroom, a wet towel in my hand, at a loss for what to do. Should I hang the towel on the rack? Sling it over the shower? Hang it on the bar inside the shower door? And should I fold it in half or lay it out flat? Maybe I should fold it in thirds? Should I throw it in the laundry room? Or maybe…

Can we last forever, will we fall apart
At times it’s so confusing, these questions of the heart
You followed me through changes and patiently you’d wait
Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate.

-That’s right, I’m quoting “Survivor“

A dear friend and mentor recently advised me to begin dating God. I was going on and on about the way I used to feel special through my husband’s love for me and how much I miss that feeling. She recalled her own life, early in her marriage, how she had longed for her husband to fulfill some deep desire for romance, acceptance,…

We’re in an RV park just outside of Yosemite. The kids get into little screamy fights a few times a day because of the close quarters, (James says, “I just need my personal space!”) but other than that we’re having a great time. I’m still struggling, as I wrote in my last post. I spoke to my wife just a little bit ago, so that she knows what’s going on, and I’m hoping if I keep doing the right things I can turn around.

Turn around is exactly the right phrase. The problem isn’t as much what I’m doing, as where…

Richard G. Hartnett, MA, MS, LCADC, former chaplain at Hazelden New York, author of Sobriety and Inspiration: Entrusting Ourselves to the Source of Our Healing and Creativity

     We are not cured of  alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.   — Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 85.

     When we begin our recovery from addiction or codependency by participating in a 12 step program, we want to overcome our problems and find a peaceful and sober way to live.  We have had more than enough anguish and trouble.  So how can we improve our…

Sorry I have been gone from the blog scene for a while.  I am deep in the process of getting my second memoir, Leave the Light on: A Memoir of Recovery and Self-Discovery ready.  It will be released by Central Recovery Press in April.  Check out CRP, they are an amazing new publishing company out of Las Vegas, they also happen to have several great rehabilitation facilities in the country.  www.centralrecovery.com  I tend to get exhausted in the writing process and when I go to blog it’s like the pen’s run dry.  But I think my pen is now running over…

My marriage may be falling apart.

I want a cigarette right now.

My husband is just as miserable as I am.

A vodka tonic with two limes sounds good.

This has been going on for years.

I could score an eight ball just 20 yards from my house.

I can’t eat and I can’t stop crying.

My husband has a prescription for Hydrocodone in his briefcase.

I want the pain to go away.

To be continued….

Well, it’s been 6 days since my infamous decompensation on Main Street, when I found my active addict actively acting out  his addiction.  First of all, thanks to all of you who commented on my blog.  I am so grateful to you guys for the warm fuzzies.  So, as I said, I have been taking care of myself - really, Scout’s Honor - and life has been much more fluid the past couple of days.  I have been taken out to dinner (twice) and I didn’t have to pay - imagine that! All my doggies are, once again, sleeping with…

Somewhere, in my recent adventures around the Internet, I came across that iconic image of Lee Harvey Oswald, Kennedy’s assassin (well, unless you believe in conspiracy theories), being assassinated himself. Kennedy was not assassinated in my lifetime, so the first time I saw Oswald’s image was in an encyclopedia (anyone remember those?). I may have been doing a research project for school, but I seem to remember that (because I was a nerd), I was just thumbing through Britannica’s pages for fun when I came across it.

I didn’t know, at a glance what was going on in the picture. I…

Today I think I will  (mostly) take the day off. It’s my birthday and based on the stress I feel right now, a day off is probably exactly what I need. I just spent the past 16 hours working on two big final projects, as my first semester in Grad school comes to a close.

Laugh with me here when I say that going to the gym and cleaning my house makes for a suitable “day off.”  I would disregard stacks of paper strewn about the living room, dirty dishes and mounds of dog hair if only my parent weren’t coming…

Today, I wrote a mission statement for graduate school. It was interesting.

I spend a lot of my time writing, planning to write, and teaching other people to write. I am a person who spends a lot of time writing about herself and thinking about herself. I am certainly self-aware and self-reflective…but ask me to explain my strengths, my desires, and my calling in a 250 word statement, and I can become entirely stumped.

Part of it, I think, is that I conceive of it as identifying a true calling. I recognize that I have this assortment of gifts. I’m good with…

I got clean and sober at Penn State.  I went to college there in early recovery and stayed clean and sober for my entire four year stay there. Sure there were times when it was hard, but my recovery was what enabled me to go there in the first place and become the first person in my family ever to graduate from college.

 I didn’t have a boring experience, in fact, I had a blast at Penn State and I never picked up a drink or drug.

 It is possible to attend a university with a party reputation and stay clean and…

by Richard G. Hartnett

It’s taken me a very long time to read Richard Hartnett’s new book, “SOBRIETY and INSPIRATION - Entrusting Ourselves to the Source of Our Healing and Creativity.” Although this book is written in a language that is very comfortable, it is a very thorough description of the process  involved in finding self-healing, recovery from addictions and and actually how to  enjoy the process while you’re doing it.  This book cannot be read like a work of fiction.  It must be read slowly so that the reader may ingest, then digest each topic Mr. Hartnett addresses.  This is…

It started off innocently enough years ago. She would forward me the usual stories warning me that I should watch out for snakes in McDonald’s ball pits or people out to steal my kidneys or serial killers who would lure me out of the house using a baby’s cries. And I would research each item and send back the Snopes.com link to everyone on the mailing list, politely informing them all that this was another urban legend, please don’t forward. I was going to shine the light of white hot truth and logic upon these horrible misconceptions put an end to this wretched…

I called a friend today. “How are you?” she asked.

“I’m crazy,” I replied.

See, I was on my way home from work. It’s the same job I’d been working the first night my husband spent away from home a few months ago when he had his most recent dance with the dark side. There was nothing about my being at that job that triggered his leaving, but the car ride home from that job has suddenly become a trigger for me.

“The odds are just against him being up to anything reasonable. The possibility that he could just be at home and…

Tonight’s Sunday Sober Chat series will be hosted by author Joshua Lyon. His book Pill Head just released earlier in the month and is receiving a lot of deserved media attention. Joshua was recently featured on Good Morning America, the Huffington Post, numerous news outlets and will be a guest on NPR this Monday.

This is a great blessing for addicts, because we need to improve the dialogue and put faces and stories on addiction recovery in the country.
Please join us tonight and welcome Joshua to TSR.  Questions and comments are welcomed and encouraged. Don’t worry, you don’t have to read the…

I remember when I used to be special…there was a time when the man I loved thought I was a princess. I could do no wrong, and he would do nothing to hurt me. The idea of another woman was repulsive…who could possibly compare to me? He would never have done anything to hurt me. He wanted us to be honest, and never to have any lies between us. I was different–special–and he was going to treat me like I was the most special, most wonderful, most amazing thing, ever.

I remember as a child when I was special, too. My…

A big red C. There it was, heartbreakingly plastered on the front of the report I had worked for weeks on. I had painstakingly drawn a wombat on the special mottled pastel paper, neatly stenciled the title (”All About Wombats”), and enclosed it, along with the several pages of notebook paper that constituted my report on these marsupials (native to Australia!), in a plastic report cover. Under the C, in tidy teacher’s handwriting, were the words: “I would have given this an A, if it were an individual project. I had to lower the grade because you did not work…

It’s kind of like this:

My husband and I poured the cements of ourselves together and mixed up a foundation for our marriage. It was equal parts each of us, and on top of that foundation, we built a house. We lived in it. We made dinners. We talked about babies.

One day, on a whim, my husband took a jackhammer, went outside, and started hammering hell out of his half of the foundation. He hammered, and hammered, and hammered, and hammered some more. He hammered until his side was a pock-marked mess…rocks were flying everywhere. He took a break, and then…

It happened again.  It just happened last week so I thought I was safe for at least a few more days. It was payday…..he works at the bookstore at the community college he attends.  He was going to put in a few hours of work, then study for a group project for his “Human Development” class.  He usually calls a couple of times during the day.  Yesterday - no calls - I already knew.  I called at 4:30, he answered and said he had just gotten off the bus and was heading toward my office to see me.  My stomach…

I’m not one to keep busy during the summer, at least not in the sense of running the kids from place to place, activity to activity. Yet, not being busy — whether inside inside the house playing board games or (more often) just keeping the kids from driving each other crazy, or outside swimming or at the park or at a library or museum — isn’t always relaxing. Well, it is for the kids: just not entirely for the mama who has to make sure that those kids stay fed and safe and moderately hygienic, the mama who (since those…

Apparently TSR is a “bullet” and “gun” free zone. Other bloggers have introduced me to this marvelous way of presenting my life to you. (I had to use numbers because bullets didn’t work on here.) Anyways, this is just a bunch of things that I’m shooting off the top of my head.

1. Today I walked around outside barefoot. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was delicious and I need to do that more often.
2. The other day I met my first recovery blogger. She was driving past my town and stopped to have coffee with me. We talked…

I have a bug up my ass lately about whether or not my husband is using. Being a mind reader, he can tell there is a bug up my ass. He keeps asking me, “Why are you looking at me like that?” I keep saying, “Oh, no reason. I’m not looking at you any particular way.”

It’s a stupid game. I want it to be over.

In some ways, I don’t even much care if he’s slipped up. I trust that he’ll reign it back in. What I hate, though, is that I might get burned in the process. I’ve gotten real…

We don’t like to be embarrassed, is the truth, and our friends are a reflection of who we are, so they can embarrass us by association.

So imagine how bad it can be if we take an addicted one of these on a camping trip with people we want to impress, or worse, with family.

We unconsciously try to keep family with family, friends with friends. (Most people don’t know this). They can be a dangerous mix, family with friends, and all kinds of jealousies and rivalries and judgments and blame can spoil a perfectly wonderful time in the blender. Hey, jealousy…

Lately I feel like an addict. It’s a sucky feeling.

I find myself dancing on the cliff’s edge, where there is neither serenity nor escape. I’m looking for something I can’t have. Linsey was right: you can’t have an ass-kicking experience every single day of your life that’s better than the day before. For example, you only get one virgin viewing of Fight Club. Every time after that you’re just re-watching it.

My addict is moving in, rearranging my furniture and hanging posters on my walls. He has the tactical advantage of knowing my weaknesses. He can match my debating skills and…

I had a dream the other night - you know, one of those crazy spaces where you’re someplace but you’re really not there.  I was in a huge office space with hundreds of cubicles neatly stacked in rows so that they all looked identical from the end of the room.  However, the flooring in the hallway next to my cubicle was linoleum instead of carpet so I always knew where I was.  I was all alone, waiting for the rest of the  “company” to move in from some far away place (I think it was Los Angeles - that’s far…

Sorry for all the recent tab dumps. Enjoying summer with my kids, work is busy and having a hard time keeping up with the blog.

• Methadone users ‘more likely to carry on injecting’
• Pilot Alcoholism-Treatment Program Targets Gays
• Effects of Voucher-Based Intervention on Abstinence and Retention in an Outpatient Treatment for Cocaine Addiction: A Randomized Controlled Trial
• Unforeseen Benefits: Addiction Treatment Reduces Health Care Costs
• The tripod of recovery (Food for thought about assessing a person’s spiritual dimension.)
• Using propensity scores to adjust for selection bias when assessing the effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous in observational studies
• Meaning-Centered Therapy (A great reminder of how deficit focused assessment can get.)

Technorati…

Not a surprise if you spend time talking with people who receive treatment in medically oriented programs:

…these days, the use of Seroquel is growing in popularity in a different group: men and women living on the margins who simply want a good night’s rest.

“Seroquel puts you to sleep,’’ said Luis Lopez, 28, a patient at Men’s Addiction Treatment Center in Brockton who used to buy Seroquel tablets from drug dealers. “We all know from the streets that’s how it works.’’

The street use of Seroquel as a sedative is yet another example of how many prescription drugs cross over into the…

I have this picture of my husband and me. It’s from the before time, from shortly after we were married. He was just dabbling around with drugs at the time, successfully hiding it from me with the occasional “boy’s night out” or “sickness” that required him to retreat outside of our home or deep inside of himself. It hadn’t yet gotten out of hand, and I was fumbling along in a peaceful state of denial.

We were so in love, and it’s apparent by the looks on both of our faces. He is looking at me like I’m the most delicious…

“If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.
I guess we’ll just have to adjust.”
-Arcade Fire, “Wake Up”

Some of you know that my two year relationship ended in Februrary. Ok, it wasn’t technically quite two years, but the lengthy break-up process has pushed it to that line. And ok, fine, it didn’t just come to a neat, tidy end in February. As a matter of fact, we had another official break-up on Wednesday. Because my anonymity, and my ex partner’s…