Enough About Us, Let’s Talk About Me
Jun 29, 09- (by Margaux)
- 5 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I stopped writing on my blog for a while recently, mostly because I had so saturated myself with the subject of sex addiction that I began to feel that if I wrote or read one more word about it, I’d puke. This feeling of being fed up to my teeth coincided with a sense that I had finally arrived at a point in my recovery where it was all about me. Sex addiction was my husband’s disease, and I was done focusing on my husband. I knew I had my own serious issues and that I still needed recovery, but I was thinking that maybe what I needed to fully extricate myself from my husband’s issues was to drop out of S-Anon and join a group like CODA, where it was all about codependency and not codependency by proxy.
But not long after I started hatching my new recovery plan, I had this realization: What is codependency if not a disease by proxy? When I got honest, I had to admit that, though I’m not a sex addict, the majority of my issues are on the flip side of the same coin as sex addiction. And these issues have been with me my whole life—they didn’t just materialize once I met my husband.
Right now, I suppose I’m looking for some balance that may be impossible to achieve. I want to focus on myself, but focusing on myself means I have to focus on the fact that I focus on other people, namely sex addicts.
Sometimes this codependency business makes my head spin. Though I doubt it would be any less challenging if I had an addiction to call my very own.
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You are not the only one. My head has done a complete 360 before I believe.
I’ve learned so much from the steps I have taken so far, even the circular ones. Ultimately they are leading me to a fuller understanding of myself.
I’m so glad you are still writing about your process, Margaux. Selfishly I hope you continue.
But it’s all about your happiness. Good luck to you.
Bernadine–Yes, I’m sure that this latest circular state of mind will ultimately lead me forward. This process certainly isn’t linear–thanks for reminding me of that!
I purposely didn’t sign off for good on my blog, mainly because, since I’ve been in recovery, I’ve learned that it’s often futile to say “always” or “never.” How I’m feeling today will most likely change tomorrow. Right now, I’m feeling like I’d like to continue blogging. Writing about my process definitely helps me, and it seems to be somewhat valuable to others, so why mess with something healthy?
Thanks for the honesty and wisdom. It seems like sex addiction affects a lot of people, and like any addiction, is usually intertwined with a lot of other variables–a big clusterf**ked knot that no one knows where to start untying. You and some other bloggers have really helped me understand a lot more. And what I love about you all is that you have learned to care for yourself, even if that is a process, it is one which you are fully engaged with now and it sets a good example for us all!
Hi there. Give some thought to joining a book club, volunteer orginazation, any kind of group that’s not 12 step oriented. Try to associate with some “quote” normal people to find a new focus. Good luck. RU