You know I work with a lot of program people, meaning I hear many stories from people who are working 12-Step programs. And sometimes themes emerge.

Being a therapist with a research background, you look at things differently. You see your work as a series of qualitative interviews and you look for themes that cross lines.

Here’s one I find interesting. I’m sure you’re familiar with it. It’s about the idea that a person in recovery from an addiction is beginning life where life sober left off.

I find this a very sad and difficult concept to have to lay on people, but very true. The developmental stages are interrupted when you use alcohol and/or drugs consistently, dysfunctionally, from childhood.

So me telling someone, You’re about twelve years old right now, or You’re about fifteen, here, no offense, really hurts. And no one likes to hurt or be hurt.

Let’s talk.

Adolescence, it’s been said, is a time of raging hormones. A guy who is in the throes of adolescence feels his sexuality every waking minute. This doesn’t change all that much for some men, but over time desire is less intrusive, and surely by one’s forties, is considered a good friend. For mature people.

Thus it surprises me, and yet it shouldn’t, that when an addict in recovery falls in love, that the drive for sex, even exploitative sex, is very, very hard to put away. Sublimation, masturbation, all the usual coping strategies we humans employ to get something of a handle (sure, it’s a pun) on this, are elusive.

I would venture to say that this is all about socialization, being socialized to respect women (or men) or not. There are many (men, here) who have been instructed by their fathers that it is good to have many notches on one’s belt, that women want sex, and as men capable of satisfying, may as well comply. They even learn (unbelievable, for this is rape, ignoring a “no”) that No means Yes.

You can read about rape on my other blog, now’s not the time.

But I hear about failed dates, first dates of addicts in recovery, people who truly feel they’re about to fall in love, who are so disappointed when their date got aggressive sexually, and angry when turned down, when she said, “No, I’m not ready for that.”

He can be accusatory, obnoxious, and distant when that happens, and she, already rife with fears of rejection, feels like a complete failure. She’s at loggerheads. Do I say Yes and compromise myself? Or say No and lose him.

Huh? Good riddance, if that’s the case, if you’ll lose him.

But saying no made him SOOOO mad. And he’s everything, everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

But to her I’ll say, So mad? This is what you want? A guy who gets SO mad?

And to him I say, So mad?

Grow up.

Late adolescence. I’m being generous.

therapydoc