Smiling.
Jun 7, 09- (by JunkysWife)
- one response
- Sober Salon
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Sometimes, when my husband smiles, it is my favorite. There are small creases around his mouth and eyes that show up only when he smiles. Sometimes, I am able to make him smile. It is my thing, then, a thing I have created, just with words and touches. I always want to be able to create things in him with words and touches. That’s kind of at the core of codependence…I want my words, my lips, my hands and all to be magic for him. I want them to inform his feelings, his choices, his thoughts. I want to be able to love him so hard that he can’t help but behave the way I think he should. And of course, once he’s behaving the way I think he should, I’ll feel better. Right?
It’s a drug for me, those smiles, those little laugh lines and small curves around his mouth. I’ll sometimes perform relentlessly to get them to appear…and not just with my husband. I can be quite the dancing monkey for people who I love. If we are all smiling and laughing, then we must be ok. If you’re smiling at me, I must be doing something right for you. Laughter is out loud…it’s a definitive response. When I set out to achieve that goal, and the connection from my actions or words results in the desired outcome, it’s my favorite magic.
I’m working the third step with my Al-Anon sponsor now, which means I’ve got a fourth step coming up. I want to do some more work on my eagerness to please. It’s one of those character attributes that runs from defect to asset all willy-nilly, and it’s hard for me to see where it changes from being “funny” to being “sick.”
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I’m going to have to insist that you do not work your 4th Step so you can keep making me laugh.