In Which I Wish Addiction (and Recovery) on the World
May 26, 09- (by Mama MPJ)
- 10 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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This weekend, for the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to hear a sex addict from my husband’s recovery group speaking about his experiences. I know my husband’s story, about as intimately as anyone else can; in a way, it’s my story too. Mark read his First Step — the narrative of his life in his addiction — to me the night before he presented it to his 12 Step group, and it moved us both to tears. I’ve read the stories of other sex addicts in books and on blogs. I’ve had the chance to hear Patrick Carnes and other experts on sex addiction speak. But hearing someone else’s story of sex addiction and recovery — live, with all the nuance that comes from facial expression and vocal inflection — was new to me.
I can’t share the story here, as it’s not mine to tell, but I did find myself wishing, as I listened, that everyone could hear — really hear, with minds and hearts open — a story like the one I heard. I wished that everyone could hear the pain and the shame and the compulsivity behind years of sexual encounters. I wished everyone could hear the remorse and regret for the pain caused. But most of all, I wished everyone could hear the gratitude, the joy and hope of recovery, the promise of change.
As my husband and I were driving home, he said, “I’m so glad that you got to be part of the kind of amazing sharing I’m privileged to witness every week.” And I told him that I was so glad too. The power and beauty of the journey I heard was the kind of thing that almost made me wish everyone could go through the pain and shame of addiction to experience the gift of living a life so full of love and grace.
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Beautiful post, MPJ. Thanks for the reminder of what a gift it is to be in recovery. I am glad you got to hear the share as well, to know at a new level, that Mark is not alone. I am not alone. God has blessed us all with the chance to dig much, much deeper, and somehow given a few of us the courage to do it. I admit sometimes I get sick of it. I just want to be done, to be normal. But I thank you for reminding me today … I’m not done, it’s not over, and that’s a good thing.
M.,
I’m SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you–that you got to EXPERIENCE other SA’s share their story! My first SA/S-Anon conference (2 years ago) absolutely CHANGED MY LIFE! It helped me tremendously to hear a sex addict other than MY HUSBAND share their journey of pain & addiction & finally, Recovery. I came away with much more compassion. There was so much gratitude oozing from that conference…AND ditto when I went again to this past year to my 2nd one in S. Calif.
I try & loan my CD’s to other S-Anon women in my groups…:)
I hope EVERYONE has the opportunity to GO to one of these conferences…to especially go as a COUPLE. MEANTIME, the Speaker CD’s are available for sale…I recommend for every spouse of an SA to listen to the SA’s stories.
MPJ, what traits do sex addicts have in common? What, if anything, might be some causes for sex addiction?
Thanks for another great post about sex addiction and the reality of what it is in recovery. I went to the COSA convention this past weekend in Oakland CA and was blown away by the recovery there. (Cosa is for people whose lives have been affected by another persons sexually compulsive or addictive behaviors. I felt so loved and at the same time, tenderly led deeper into my broken heart to look at myself in places where I’d been afraid to admit why I find SA’s and always have. My recovery as a co-addict is the greatest gift of reality I could ever have iagined. No, wait, I wouldnt have even imagined this no matter how hard I tried! I just gave my first step last week as a co-addict and will admit that it was one of the most transformative things Ive done. To share all the things I’d be an “accomplice” to, but was so ashamed of, was really burning a hole in my heart. Today I am moving into living in the solution and taking responsibility for my adult life, that I am now co-creating with a loving higher power and crew of other folks who get what this is all about. Healing intimacy. Thank you for our courage and your commitment to your blogging. I always enjoy your tweets
Hearing how it is for the “other” side at my first convention made an incredible impact on me. And when I heard a couple speaking, so obviously in love, so transparently honest, sharing how it was from their individual perspectives during their recoveries - that was amazing too. It was a revelation that anything decent or good could come from such pain, but it does!
Though the experience of dealing with my husband’s addiction has been a painful one, it is definitely been “eye-opening” like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Most importantly, it has opened me up to the idea of examining my own character - defects and all. The greatest relationship I’ve strengthened in this process has not been the one with my husband, but the relationship with myself. And just for that alone, I am grateful for the addiction/addict in my life.
I think it is great that you and your hubs can experience this together!
It’s a model for healthy relationships of all kinds - to truly hear and truly see another’s experience, and appreciate it from the heart.
I think I agree - this has changed how I live my life, how my family behaves even - we are changed.
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