The Power to Carry It Out
Apr 10, 09- (by Mama MPJ)
- 4 responses
- Sober Salon
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I (in my real life, pseudonymless state) have been participating recently in a book discussion with a group of friends online. And things have gotten heated. I have opinions. Other people have opinions. Other people have opinions about my opinions. Other people felt hurt and dismissed by my opinions. I felt hurt and dismissed by other people’s opinions.
So, I did that thing that I do, where I fuss in my head about how to make people understand where I’m coming from: “Hey, I’m smart too! My opinion’s not ridiculous! I’m not crazy! I’ve been misunderstood! Misinterpreted! And I’m going to find the right words to prove it to you.” I fussed and fussed in my head, all morning long. I fussed to myself as I made breakfast and got the kids dressed and put my son on the bus and took my daughter off to her school. And I fussed nearly all of the way home from her school, until I finally stopped and thought, “Enough! This isn’t healthy or sane. I need to look at this a different way and let go. God, help me let this go.”
That’s when a little voice inside my head said, “Seek to understand, not to be understood.” And that was it. That was the answer. I could feel my shoulders letting down and feel myself relaxing for the first time all morning. I was trying to be understood rather than trying to understand. “Ok, I’ll try to understand,” I told myself.
Then two seconds later, I heard myself say, “Ah, screw it. I have no idea how to do that.” And I went home and wrote a long, ranty e-mail to make folks understand me.
Yep.
I’m thinking I got the “praying only for God’s will for me” part of Step 11 today, but I clearly still have some work to do on the whole “power to carry that out” part.
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Oh, man. I’ve been there. Numerous times. The sane little voice tells me what to do, but by then I’m too heated to listen. It’s like I’m a defiant teenager.
One advantage of my avoid-conflict-at-all-cost personality is that it makes look more at the other side. This is not to say I’ve mastered understanding it or being a better person–no. But usually when I get all ticked off and ranty in my head, and then I sit down to write that person a pissy letter or face them to tell them off, I can’t do it. The steam leaves and I find myself wondering want I’m so mad about. Then i realize I’m mad over something I can let go. Very, very rarely can my anger sustain itself long enough to take off someone’s head. Wish i could sometimes.
I’ve been “fussing” at one person in my head so much lately, that I keep finding myself in the middle of conversations with my wife or kids that I don’t remember being in. I’ve been so busy arguing my point (mentally with someone else) that I haven’t even been listening! It’s hard to let it go, to seek to understand. It takes lots of practice and self-awareness for me.
On the upside, what you wrote was IMO the most thoughtful and intelligent post in that whole discussion (and way less ranty than what I wrote). Seeking to understand is all very well, but so is speaking your truth.