On my mother’s side of the family, all the aunts and one uncle have been married only once (keeners).  They married young and stayed that way. They are well to do folks who have lived ’slow and steady’ humble lives. There is no overt alcoholism or drug addiction in their lives;  although, pu lease - there is alcoholism and healthy amount of denial.  But, they seem to be making the denial work for them, they’ll probably live out their days taking care of one another…

Ugh.

So, what does that make me?  Even my cousins are lifers in the institution of marriage.  Where did my gypsy blood come from?  Gypsy blood seems to be what my mother fed me, a learned behavior.  But, I want to know whats ‘right-er.’ I am fascinated by commitment - a commitment that up and until a few months ago, I advocated and practiced wholey and completely, and to the amazement of my friends who said, ‘you’re a bigger woman than me, I couldn’t put up with that.’

My husband, I came to realize in a moment of  ‘Oh, fuck yeah’  is a full time job, and I want to quit.  It just doesn’t get more clearer or simpler than that. That’s what I have been trying to say for so long… I’ve given it thousands of poetic words to try and speak my frustration, but nothing says it better than that statement.  Nothing is more true. In fact, last year part of the reason I quit my job job was that I could not possibly do him and it, and the kids, and the house, and the dog…. I was dying.  That was when he was on the Hep. C chemotherapy - we were all dying.

And now that the Hep C has cleared his system - I have nothing left.  Is it right-er to stay and work through this, to be a ‘good wife?’  Or is it right to follow my heart, my Gypsy blood, and reach for inner solitude.

Did my relatives ever have moments like this?  Did they ever want to reach for more but just became to scared of the unknown to make a move, or did they never question their commitment? Is mine an act of bravery or cowardly selfishness?

I know there is no right answer, and I know I would be prouder and more at peace following my gypsy self than any other part of me… but I want to ask the question to death.  I want everyone to say something.   I want you all to explode with your thoughts on commitment. Is it so different if they’re addicts? Does that give us better ‘excuses’ to leave?

I don’t know that I can come back from feeling this done.  I feel that if I stay, it will be for the wrong reasons: kids and house reasons, and I don’t know if I can live with that.

For now, I guess I’ll just sit where I stand.