Working Step Four
Mar 21, 09- (by Syd)
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I’ve been thinking quite a bit about step four. One of the guys that I sponsor is working on his step four inventory. In Al-Anon there is a work book called Blueprint for Progress that is used to help with this step which is a “searching and fearless moral inventory” to include resentments, fears, harms to others, and sexual conduct. I’ve heard that some people fear this step. When I did my Step Four, I looked forward to doing this work. I’ve been to therapists and told them my story. With Al-Anon, I think that this step was more helpful than going to a therapist because I focused on the attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, fears, actions, behaviors, and the behavior patterns that have caused my failure to deal with the alcoholic and many other aspects of my life. I also understood that Step Four is a repetitive thing as are several of the steps. From working Step Four, I gained new insight into why I so often feel defeated, discontented and often so empty.
I know that there are people that I resent. Primary on that list will be the alcoholic. But I also realized that it is the disease that I dislike so much as my qualifier is one of the best people that I know.
What do I fear? I fear a slip. I fear loss of the ones that I love. I don’t fear for myself, yet I probably should have a fear for loss of myself and my own well-being. That is what I needed to work on–taking care of myself and fearing for my own sanity.
The harms that I have done to others made quite a list. I have been selfish, resentful, jealous, bitter, and aloof many times. I’ve put way too much emphasis on work and not enough on just having fun. I’ve harmed myself in as many ways as I’ve harmed others.
Sexual conduct is an area of the inventory where I needed a lot of courage and strength. Working this step is a matter of trust also. My inclination is to be ashamed of thoughts and actions around this topic. But like eating my first oyster, it’s best to take a deep breath, swallow and not chew on this topic for too long.
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I believe in the “therapy” of the 4th step. I’m meeting with my sponsor today to go over it. You are right, I’m a bit ashamed & embarrassed about my sexual inventory. I trust my sponsor with my vulnerabilities, but still I have a hard time saying those out loud.
Thanks for your posts about the universal experiences of the steps in AlAnon.