What Are You Thinking?
Mar 8, 09- (by Mama MPJ)
- 5 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I was recently reading a book on Buddhism and the Twelve Steps that describes a meditation exercise in which you label your thoughts: “desire,” “aversion,” “thinking.” The author mentioned one woman who was surprised at how much of her thinking centered on desire: I want, I want, I want… Thinking about thinking? That’s hot. Of course, I wanted to try it. Oo, right away, “desire!” But as my day progressed, I noticed: 1) that the exercise was really hard and 2) I spend most of my time planning for the future, specifically what I want to say in the future. I spend most of my time thinking about words.
When I’m not writing a blog post, I’m thinking about what I’m going to say when i do and how I’m going to say it. When I’m alone, I’m planning my side of the conversation the next time I talk to a friend. Or I’m just looking for the right words to smooth over a mistake I made or soothe the unsootheable self-critical voice in my head. I’m constantly rehearsing.
In one of the 12 Step groups I’ve attended, we would pick affirmations to read at the end of each meeting, and my favorite (in fact, the only one I can remember now) was: “I trust the future.” I was learning to do that: learning to trust that my life would be ok with or without my marriage, learning to trust that my children would be ok even if I wasn’t be perfect, learning that I would be ok even if I made mistakes. But in talking to a friend of mine after I did this little thought exercise, I realized that I don’t trust the future entirely; I clearly don’t trust that my words (the “right” words, the words that please people, the words that make me understood) are going to be there when I need them. And in this lack of trust I could suddenly see a very clear undercurrent of pulling at me: a need to please others, an insatiable desire to control the world rather than accept it and an inability to let go. I found I’ve learned to be a stage actor, but what I really want to work on now is improv.
What about you? What are your thoughts about? And where do they point you?
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I would say everyone reverts back to their old way of thinking without daily practice of the steps. If I slack off praying for a week, miss 2-then 3 meetings..well, I’m right back to believing I’m right all the time, I can control my addict, I can fix everyone, etc. Damn, why is everything so hard!
I have to agree with Lou. I find that staying in the moment for me and staying ‘changed’ really relies heavily on my practicing the steps, mindfulness and working on paying attention to myself and my faults. Who would have thought that the way to get better as a person was to become more self absorbed… I mean that in the healthiest 12 step way!
I am soooo you!!! I’m also a rehearser, spending my day thinking about words. Often, I’ll notice me describing in my head something that I’m experiencing rather than just experiencing it. I am also turning the radio off in the car all the time b/c it interferes with the conversation I’m having in my head. The affirmations I chose when I attended meetings that used them were “All that I seek is already within me” and “I am enough.” Muah!
Oh I’m so you, too, with the rehearsing. I have all these amazing turns of phrase when I’m alone, then when the real conversation happens I’m just the biggest doof. There are rare instances when I get use out of my one-sided practice sessions, but mostly it’s just me coping, or me feeling repressed, or me acting like I’m kickass when I’m just a big mush.
My instinct is to rehearse, to prepare. If I do that in a lot of situations, I’m okay. I’m okay if I do improv, usually, because I’m speaking from the heart. But my fear of goofing or not making an impression will keep me from trusting my heart.
Great post.