Dry Drunk
Feb 26, 09- (by Syd)
- 15 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I’ve been wondering whether a good friend of mine might not be a “dry drunk”. So I looked up what I could find on dry drunk syndrome. The traits consist of:
- Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
- Grandiose behavior
- A rigid, judgmental outlook
- Impatience
- Childish behavior
- Irresponsible behavior
- Irrational rationalization
- Projection
- Overreaction
He has been sober for 17 years but there are times when I find him to be so mentally and emotionally chaotic and lacking in responsibility that I wonder whether he really has a program that he practices. Most of the time, he is a good friend and enjoyable to be around. But there are other times when his approach to life makes me wonder.
So I decided to read about the dry drunk state of mind. I think that the characteristic grandiosity which is self-seeking and self-serving is something that I’ve noticed. There isn’t much thought for the other person.
The other trait of judgmentalism means that there isn’t much room for acceptance of alternative ideas. I’ve found my friend to make value judgments about the meetings that he attends, newcomers, race, and other thoughts that seem troubling.
I’ve also noticed that there is confusion of priorities and little ability to weigh personal desires against personal needs. As an example, he has decided to take aerobatic flying lessons but won’t fix a broken air conditioner. And I suppose one could factor in impulsivity in behavior because there is little attention paid to the consequences of actions to self.
The dry drunk is also noted for being indecisive and prefers to take no effective action. A person may think about doing something and say that they will but often there is an inability to make a decision on whether to take action and nothing gets done.
The result of all these traits can lead to mood swings that appear over exaggerated. Reasons given for negative thinking don’t make much sense. The dry drunk also is unable to demonstrate emotions freely, naturally and without constraint. There isn’t much emotional spontaneity. And there is little to no introspection in which the thoughts that are linked to one’s attitude are examined. A dry drunk can detach to such an extent that they become aloof, display indifference, don’t care one way or the other, have no special likes or dislikes, and withdraw. There is also great self-absorption, much negative thinking and major disorganization in which they are easily distracted, bored, and irritable.
I think that the latter is particularly troubling because there appears to be a definite over-reaction to events. I’ve seen my friend become enraged over benign mishaps that most people would just accept and move on. His lack of ambition is also troubling because he hasn’t worked in over a year. He doesn’t seem troubled by not working but goes to meetings at night and takes long naps in the afternoon.
I don’t want to take his inventory here. But it seems that something is missing or messed up. I’ve read a lot of what you bloggers write and you appear to be doing, growing and benefiting from what life offers. And I’ve read how much self-discipline it takes to be honest, humble and responsible.
It seems to be a dangerous path for those alcoholics who think that life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then themselves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and who are no longer subject to repairing the wrongs they have done. I hope that my friend will hear something that will be helpful in progressing beyond sobriety towards recovery.
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Hi syd, I don’t know whats taken me so long to figure out my boyfriend is a dry drunk. He’s been sober 4 years but has some of the characteristics you’ve talked about. He says he’s not judgemental but some of the comments that come out of his mouth definetly are. He procrastinates on things that he says he is going to figure out. He doesn’t do really much of anything except work. No hobbies except OCDing on the internet. He’ll get quite angry if his computer freezes up and is very quick to react. He is very nice and we have fun when we’re together but he just doesn’t seem happy with life. He is fairly active with church but is not doing the 12 step thing anymore. He also blames his moods on his insomnia. I suggested going to a therapist and trying some meds but he is dead against medication. I’ve decided not to do the caretaking thing so he knows whats out there, now it’s up to him. Just sad and sucks to watch.
It took me a long time to figure out the whole dry drunk behavior in my ex-husband….years, in fact. I kept trying to make sense of things…why he said what he did, why he exaggerated the negatives, why he over-reacted, why he projected negatively, why he had so little tolerance for some people and why he always seemed to NEED someone or something to be angry at…..whether it be a sports team, a politician, and mostly me. I became his scapegoat. Today he has no friends. None. No life except seeing his children and working out of his apartment. It’s very sad. And it is very hard for anyone outside the situation to understand what a “dry drunk” is. Most people think you’re “reaching” when you try to discuss it. But then again…these were the same people who never believed you when you told them about the alcoholic having a drinking problem.
I met my husband ten years ago after he had quit drinking. Only now after some very difficult times, do I learn of dry drunk symtoms. This describes my husbands personality perfectly. Unfortunately I am afraid it may be too late. I have had enough.
Eleanor
I have just reached 25 years married and my husband has been sober for the past 4 years. The first 2 years after he undertook a programme to help him quit his addiction were as difficult as when he was drinking. I found it all very isolating as our social life had come to a halt and family viewed the situation from the distance. It was as if no one wanted to know about it in case they too got tagged with it. My husband has some great traits and is very family orientated but he also has some perswonality traits that I find very difficult to live with. It still takes a lot of energy and understanding to stick with it. The dry drunk traits are very evident and I can tick all the boxes for sure. My son drinks occassionally but I can see all the hallmarks of the triats with him too. My daughter and I love them both dearly but it is challenging at times living in this situation. I have been taking one day at a time and wondering will the day come when I have just had enough and move on. Time will tell.
I am going through a horrible break up with my ex boyfriend. He has shown signs of Dry Drunk Syndrome for a while now but I did not put the pieces together until I picked up a codependency book. WOW guess what I am/was in love with a dry drunk. He was a horrible drunk up to the day his son 16yrs old died. He quit drinking found God ( in some form) and yes still has the alcoholic personality. He fights with everyone, has no friends but some old drunks, can’t keep friends, in law suit constantly, moves from one project to the next. Everything is a bomb waiting to go off. I thought it was me. Nope it was/is him. HE IS A DRY DRUNK! If your reading this and you think your loved one is a DRY DRUNK read AlAnon and detach right away. You are not crazy it’s him.
What about those of us who are dry drunks? Do you think there is any difference? I am a dry drunk. My lack of empathy and lack of maturity has ruined the lives of those around me. I am sick. Just putting a cork in the bottle does little except let the jerk who was there at the beginning surface. Insight into my idiocy is easy. Action is hard. When I go to meetings I see almost everyone in the same state. Sorry to say but it is the blind leading the blind, but every now and then something clicks and it is usually when I am experiencing pain. I cannot erase my errors, but I now know why there is the saying “I will never forget my last drunk”. It is because I can never forget the pain and hurt that I have caused. That is the fuel for change. I am an alcoholic.
Hi, Syd. I can’t tell you how good I felt after reading your blog. I just broke up with a former alchoholic. Actually, I wasn’t planning to break up at all. I love him very much. He called me last week & left a message on my voicemail. I wasn’t able to get back to him until the next day. He went into a rage & refused to answer the phone. Every time I called, he hung up on me. I went to his house, & he screamed at me & slammed the door in my face. I still can’t figure out what I did wrong, except not call him back. There is a reasonable explanation. I begged him to tell me what I did wrong,but he won’t speak to me. Is this a dry alcoholic symptom?
Is there a website with a simple list of “dry drunk” characteristics? I’m going a little crazy thinking that I did something wrong. Or can anyone recommend a book to read? I need some help getting over my relationship. I really love this guy.
Is it possible for someone who doesn’t drink to have those symptoms,or maybe not have the family understanding? There are always 2 sides to a story. Just curious.
Cathy, I really feel for you so much. I’m going through a very similar situation with my ex-fiance. I wish I had known before yesterday what ‘dry drunk’ characteristics were as I have been blaming myself for everything for a month - as he told me this was all my fault.
James - I believe its possible as I see the same characteristics in a friend of mine whose mother and sibling are alcoholics.
It says “Love”
I know two people who fit the “dry drunk” description; however, one of them had been diagnosed with mental disorders and I’m pretty sure the other one has the same thing although has never sought psychiatric help. I’m wondering if many people who are “dry drunks” didn’t start out with mental issues and self-medicate with alcohol, and then, after stopping drinking, the underlying mental disorders surface.
I’m so happy to have discovered this site. Thank you so much for your post and all those who posted their information. Okay, here’s my story: I started dating a (never married)man in his early 50s about 6 months ago. He told me on the first date he didn’t drink, was in AA, and had been sober 6 years. This didn’t scare me because I’m not much of a drinker myself and definitely don’t want to date someone who drinks too much (I’m also the daughter of an alcoholic). Everything was great in the beginning and I was head over heels in love and so was he. Then he started criticizing me: my pet’s fur, my house wasn’t clean enough, why would I wear one outfit when I should wear something else…etc. He could dish out criticism but could not take it when I called him “hypercritical!” He asked me to leave his house when I called him this! He doesn’t care for people but has learned to love my pets, spends money like it’s going out of style, is constantly on FB, and talks incessantly at times. He used to call me 5-6 times per day. He freaked out once when I turned on my TV as he doesn’t watch TV. I’ve never had a drink in front of him because I’m afraid that would freak him out too. He’s very self-absorbed, moody, and immature and it just seems to be getting worse. He has no friends and doesn’t communicate with his family. I think he is only with me now because he can’t stand to be alone. The sad thing is we have similar interests, he’s very intelligent, and I’m definitely attracted to him. I know we need to break up…We’ve had trial break ups about once a month since we met. Can anyone offer advice, please?
Wow I just got out of this exact relationship. Knowing what I know, I cant go back. But try telling my heart that. One day at a time I am trying to get my heart and my mind in sync. I know God has more for me. Everyday is a struggle but it will eventually get easier and maybe you can learn, or see why God had you in that relationship and help others. You have hope and a future.
glad i found this site…i dated a guy for the past 3 months…he had 4 months sobriety. I thought he had a year, but apparently that was lawyer talk…i was very guarded as i had been with an active gambling addict before when I was very young. I learned my ex-boyfriend was sleeping with other women…it was like he substituted one addiction for the next. He blamed it on lack of impulse control. I told him it was either them or me. He chose them. In doing my research on the traits of alcoholism, I’ve since made peace that he is a dry drunk. He is in AA, has a sponsor and is working the steps but still has dry drunk behavior. It is sad. I feel for him because he seems to have no idea…but he is able to call others “dry drunks”. I’ve sensed a certain sadness about him…just rambling…i’m glad there is a forum for it. It is difficult to make tough decisions when you care about someone. But there aren’t really excuses for continued bad behavior.