All I want to do anymore is sleep. I want to sleep, and I want to wake up briefly to eat cereal, and then I want to sleep, sleep, sleep.

My house is a mess. My marriage is a mess. I don’t feel equipped to deal with any of it. Apparently, my strategy is to sleep the next two weeks or so until I can count on my anti-depressants taking the edge off my splintered emotions.

I got out of bed to go to a meeting, which is important, but that’s really all I could muster for today. I am glad that…

A few months ago, a friend of mine, who is a single mom, asked me if I’d be willing to help her out while she worked late, because she’d missed a few days taking care of her son when he was sick and now needed to put in extra hours to maintain her health insurance eligibility. Now, helping out a friend in that situation is the kind of thing one is usually willing to do without a second thought. But what if she asked me to help so that she could free up some time go out and steal car…

TSR is hosting raffles to raise money for website operations. The winner will be announced before the chat tomorrow, at 7:45 pm. For this raffle, author Jennifer Storm has donated a signed copy of her book, Blackout Girl: Growing Up and Drying Out in America! Enter HERE.

“A common story. A rare twist. When the American Dream becomes her secret nightmare, quietly Jennifer Storm begins the dark descent into addiction. Then she discovers that the same events that destroy her, also create her. Written in a humble, raw voice, Jennifer Storm helps us remember where we came from–and why. ‘Blackout Girl’ brings…

Syd, will be hosting and has chosen the topic, “Getting your life in balance.”
It’s a great topic, and there should be lots of discussion, so stop on by with your questions and share your insights with us! This is Chat 2.0 for Syd, who showed up to host last time, only there was a glitch in service that night, so none of us could stayed log on!

Syd has been blogging here at TSR for almost 7 months and today just reached 100 posts! Congratulations Syd!!!!!

He says his blog, is his way of “telling about what it’s like to work on…

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.–Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve said that there are three phrases that I want to eliminate from my thinking: “What if”, “Yes, but” and “I know”. When I use these phrases, my ego is usually in charge and I’m…

I moved.  I hate moving but I moved and in the process of moving I came across a bunch of stuff that I thought I’d gotten rid of, among them the letters I received from the last object of my obsession during his last committment to the Idaho State Correctional Institution.

The letters that said he was sorry.  The letters that said he loved me.  The letters that said let’s wipe the slate clean.

The letters that I he sent me before the last time he got out and then showed up in the same meetings I go to and treated me…

My husband came with me to meet my guru for a session yesterday. He’s never practiced meditation before, so it was an initiation for him.

It was kind of exciting for me, too. Meditation has become a special, sweet part of my life, and I’m glad that he’s interesting in pursuing a practice of his own. I also believe that it will only have positive effects for his recovery, and I’m grateful.

The last week or so, we have both begun to treat one another with respect again. I am not sure how it happened, exactly. I do know that I was…

Lost in the desert:
chase the phantom oasis,
a shimmering dream.

Cracked dry lips, parched tongue
are driven by fantasy
toward the horizon.

I don’t know what’s real,
and when at last I collapse,
I cry in despair.

The way I’ve done things –
my attempts to fix all this –
none of it’s working.

I’m willing to try
something new, something different:
I cry out for help.

That act starts to bring –
whether water comes or not –
relief, clarity.

The mirages fade
as I feel my life connect
with something greater.

I’ve come to believe
that a Higher Power could
restore sanity.

I was born Catholic.  I was raised Catholic.  I went to Catholic grade school, high school, college, and graduate school.  My marrow was Catholic.  I was music director at a Catholic Church for 12 years.  I made “Catholic” retreats regularly, was over-active in my Catholic Community and was, basically, a poster child for “The Perfect Catholic.”  That all changed when I spent a year in jail, and the word spread throughout my “Catholic Community” that “The Perfect Catholic” who  moved among them was an addict. Only 3 people from my church made any attempt to contact me while I was…

Here are some more thoughts from reading The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Here are some quotes that I particularly liked.

I am less interested in people’s articulated spiritual beliefs or political philosophies and more interested in whether or not they are true to themselves even when it costs them something, whether or not they can be kind when it is easier to be indifferent, whether or not they can remember that to be human is to be flawed and spectacular and deeply compassionate. (p. 15)

I think to just be yourself when everyone is looking is an accomplishment. And being compassionate…

WTF???

When writer AJ Grossman interviewed me for an article on sex addiction in this month’s Elle magazine, she asked me if I wished Mark, my husband, was a drug addict instead of a sex addict. Yes, I said vehemently. “Why?” she asked. I could think of several reasons: It wouldn’t be so hidden. The signs would be obvious to other people. I wouldn’t be the only one telling him he has a problem. He’d have a “legitimate” disease, in the DSM-IV and everything. The summation of all these thoughts came out in my rather selfish answer: Because then other people would believe…

I was struggling today with several issues that have been swimming around in my head lately: my relationship with anger and rage, the place of vulnerability in my recovery, the harsh and insidious voice of my inner critic, my past emotionally and verbally abusive relationships and the ways they led to where I am today. I started to try to work it out through journaling but couldn’t wrap my head around it. After all, there are some really fascinating clouds outside my window today, and it’s pretty important to me to beat the computer at this particular game of solitaire…

We can’t escape the Ego. Our best option is to embrace it, understand it, and forgive it. Ken Wilber is the philosopher who most influenced my initial recovery, encouraging me to use the big Ego as a functional vehicle. When I am defined by Ego, I am Narcissistic. Addicts are usually riding backseat in a limo driven by their Ego. In fact, I had to hijack the limo to arrive at the proper destination–sobriety.

Admitting our mistakes, our failures, our weaknesses, our sins, our fears–all part of the healing process. Not only is it a scary process, but it is one…

CNBC has a gallery of medical marijuana.

Maybe major policy changes are closer than we think?

I’ve been wondering whether a good friend of mine might not be a “dry drunk”. So I looked up what I could find on dry drunk syndrome. The traits consist of:

• Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
• Grandiose behavior
• A rigid, judgmental outlook
• Impatience
• Childish behavior
• Irresponsible behavior
• Irrational rationalization
• Projection
• Overreaction

He has been sober for 17 years but there are times when I find him to be so mentally and emotionally chaotic and lacking in responsibility that I wonder whether he really has a program that he practices. Most of the time, he is a good friend and enjoyable to be around. But there are other times when his approach…

Most people know that people who abuse or depend upon drugs and alcohol tend to be remiss about  important tasks in life, tasks like: parenting, helping others, being accountable, responsible, keeping promises, participating in a community, respecting time and property, giving one’s best on the job.  Things get dropped when under the influence. Or the next day.

An addict forgets to call.

An addict forgets to be there.

It’s in the nature of the brain, befuddlement of substances.  Alcohol and drugs change a mind that might have half a chance of working fairly well, into a mind that not only forgets, but fools the “self” within the…

I am gearing up to do a radio show as part of my continued book promotion for Blackout Girl. I love radio because you do it from the comfort of your home and there is none of the issues that come with going live on television. However, this particular show it from 9:00PM – 11:00PM which poses other issues for me. It’s way past my bedtime. In recovery I must say I have become such a morning person which is the total opposite of who I use to be. Back in my using days I was a total night owl.…

Heroin has a very high potential for addiction, rarely are people able to experiment with the drug without developing a dependency. The painful withdrawal process from heroin keeps users in a desperate, destructive cycle.

A naturally occurring psychoactive compound has been scientifically identified as possessing anti-addictive properties. Ibogaine is used in Africa by the Bwiti tribe, for ritual and medicinal purposes. Research has proven that Ibogaine creates an immediate reduction in craving, even eliminating the potent withdrawal symptoms of heroin.

Have you ever heard of Ibogaine? Chances are that you haven’t.

Due to its controversial nature it is not used to treat opiate…

I went to yoga today, and I breathed and breathed and breathed and stretched and sweated myself just a little bit more free than I was before I got there. It was a good feeling.

Before class started, though, I eavesdropped on a conversation, and my reactions to what I heard reminded me of why I was there, what it is in me that needs yoga and recovery to straighten back out.

Two women were chatting, and one was asking the other, “Do you know the blond girl? She usually is in the front row, and she wears sweatpants and kind of…

I took myself out to lunch today. Nothing fancy, just a fast food place. I was appropriately decked out for the occasion in my classy mom gear: a battered old college sweatshirt. The man waiting on me looked, I thought, older than I am. He had thin sharp features and bright eyes, but his hair was grey and his face lined. His movements were quick and nervous.

“Did you go to school there?” he asked, pointing to my sweatshirt…

“Yes,” I answered.

“I went to college near there,” he said, naming a very well respected school, “I majored in History and I remember…

Here’s a great example of the perverse incentives created by tax revenue from alcohol sales and a strong lobby that prevents increases in alcohol taxes.

Is this what we want for marijuana?

• In Georgia, Connecticut, Indiana, Texas, Alabama and Minnesota, lawmakers are considering legislation this year that would end the ban on Sunday liquor sales. All but 15 states sell booze on Sundays.
• In Nebraska, a state lawmaker has proposed allowing beer to be consumed in state parks as a way to boost tourism.
• Other states, including Utah, are considering allowing the sale of liquor on Election Day.

In fairness, the article does point out that…

Nate Silver has a more sober and analytical take on the recent Rasmussen poll.

[via Andrew Sullivan]

A California Assemblyman is looking to a marijuana tax help address their budget woes. It’s a common argument and I think it’s a bad one. I’ve repeatedly made it clear that I’m not a marijuana alarmist, but commercialization and taxation of tobacco and alcohol have been wrought with serious problems. Their lobbies are extremely powerful and the alcohol lobby has been very successful at keeping taxes low. With all of California’s budget problems, there is no alcohol tax increase in their budget accord. In Michigan, the worst economy in the country, the beer tax has not increased since 1966. Worse, they rely on…

My husband and I go out regularly without our children, but until recently we had never been away overnight. Difficulties with sleep are common among children with autism, and my son has only just (at age seven) settled into something like a reliable sleep pattern. So, a few months ago, we decided to try having a friend stay over for just one night while we went to dinner and stayed at the closest hotel we could find. I was less nervous about the kids than I was about my friend.

I thought she seemed stressed and anxious, as if she didn’t feel…

I received this picture from A. Miles today.  This is what she woke up to.  Thank you, God, that I don’t live there!

This morning I received a comment on an old post of mine over at Jilli Java & The Garden of Eden.  Who would have thought that reading one of my own posts would actually make me grateful?  I have been in a strange spot of late.  Let’s just say that I needed to be reminded of what it was like.

Old Realities By The Minute

by William C. Moyers

No politics, no pontification over policy, and no sparring with public officials. This week’s column goes back to the fundamentals of helping people get help.

Dear Mr. Moyers: Professional treatment is not the only way to get sober. For people who can’t afford or won’t go for treatment, why don’t you refer them to Alcoholics Anonymous? It works! Be sure to tell them to go to a lot of different AA groups so they get to know many sober members and see that there are many different kinds of AA meetings. It’s in those meetings that people find…

Listening to NPR’s This American Life story on transgendered children, I was struck with the similarity of feelings as parent of an addict.

Two sets of parents were featured. The reaction of both mothers was to blame themselves; the endless tail chasing of trying to figure out what YOU did. I know it so well, I know how long one can stay stuck there. One mother said she was sure it was because she had prayed for a boy, since she already had two girls. It takes years to believe in your gut that you didn’t cause it.

One of the fathers…

When my daughter was about a year old — not yet able to talk or to walk across a room without plopping on her bottom — I was out grocery shopping with her. By the end of the (too long) trip, she was squirming in the child seat in the front of the cart as I tried to pay for the groceries. The clerk looked at her and said, “You need to tell your child sit still.” When my son, sat still for several hours straight at a wedding, reading books at around age two, guests at the wedding remarked,…