There have been some unbearable times in my life. The death of a loved one has tested my strength so many times. When I am experiencing the grieving process, I turn to God, my higher power. I pray He will see me through the very dark days and unbearably, lonesome nights. He usually responds by giving me the courage and strength to steady my walk through the rugged path. He tells me the days and nights will become easier to tolerate. He gives me hope.

Sometimes I never asked for God’s advice. I have been angry with Him. I have dismissed His presence. These times I walked alone. That was a big mistake. I suffered deep depression. I cursed the universe and everything in it. I dared the sun to shine. I felt like shooting it out of the sky. The sound of nature annoyed me. If only I could silence the chirp of the birds,  and dry up all the rivers and streams until they all turned to mud and clay,  I would have. I prayed for rain to flood the land. I prayed for wind to ravish every beautiful sign of nature. I was angry and hurt.

I had a very difficult struggle to understand human nature. How could people walk around and conduct business as usual, while I was mourning the loss of my loved one? Why was I hearing laughter and joy? How could I possibly go back to work as if nothing happened, while my world suddenly shattered? How could I possibly dismiss all these emotions and go on living? Would God forgive me if I eliminated myself? Would He care? Would I care if He did?

If I heard one person telling me they know how I feel, or I must move on, or my loved one is now in a better place, or it was in God’s plan–I will strangle them to death (in my mind). Without walking with God, I was mentally ill. I wasn’t meant to do it all alone. I needed desperate help. It was then I chose to walk and talk to the Lord, my higher power. He always understood my hour of desperation–even during the times I dismissed Him. How could anybody go it alone without Him? I found it impossible. I was not born to ignore Him. I found out if I listened to Him and let Him into my life, everything became clear and focused. He preserved my sanity.

As the days passed, my heart became lighter. My mind conquered depression. My energy was rejuvenated. My will to march on and defeat the negative aspects in my life invigorated me. Memories of my loved ones that have passed before me became treasures in my life, rather than feeling blind-sighted in grief and sorrow. My spirit was rising high. The demons that struck me down were dead and gone. I thanked the Lord for answering my prayers and accepting my forgiveness. I felt spiritually revived.

The sound of nature returned in my life. I embraced the birds and all the wildlife in it. I begged for the rivers and streams to flow naturally in all their beauty. I felt the rain and the wind in peaceful motion. I saw the floods dry up and dissipate. My mind restored its malfunctions from mental collapse. I never would dare the sun to shine again. I felt it warm on my skin. I promised I would never walk without God beside me again. I will always cherish His presence.