Clueless
Jan 5, 09- (by Lou)
- 8 responses
- Sober Salon
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I read medical blogs, recovery blogs, prison blogs, and quite a few I stumbled on and just liked. Of course each genre has a circle of familiar names, and after awhile I feel like I’m following the lives of real people.
I want to know what they are up to, but not everything they are up to, as some mistakenly believe. Days consisting of waking up, showering, eating, working, stopping at the store, flossing, and cleaning the litter box are not that novel over the long haul. I understand that for someone very new in recovery, perhaps it is quite the achievement. Over a period of time, I have watched several bloggers stagnate in the “I got through the day phase”.
A few others I find insufferably introspective…as in “it’s still all about me, even though I’m reading the BB night and day”. Perhaps that’s the disease, always taking offense and letting passing remarks of strangers haunt their posts all week.
At the risk of getting comment slapped, I have read others that attribute every goodness to the 12 steps. The sun comes up, no concrete falls off a building onto your head, someone brings in bagels. I love the 12 steps. It’s a wonderful, spiritual program, and if I ruled the world, they would be a graduation requirement for high school seniors. However, I believe that living, breathing, and loving are inherently lush and some of their wonder does not come as a result of a 12 step program.
Before AlAnon, before powerlessness, before prayer and meditation, I believed in recovery. I saw the night sky as magic, the crashing waves of Lake Michigan in a storm as miraculous. The spectre of addiction hung over my heart, but I experienced moments of laughter. I always felt the deepest love for the addict.
Some of what I ‘m reading has me questioning if I’m an air headed optimist…or if I just don’t get it.
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Does it matter what the rest of us believe, Lou? If what you believe and do works for you, that’s what counts. I think you “get it”, what ever the “it” is you need to get, just fine.
This blog resonates with my own ideals, makes me think, and it is too late to articulate now….but I will be back.
The point of the steps is to produce a spiritual experience, not that they ARE a spiritual experience, though taking them can be. Taking the steps helped me see what was in front of me - it didn’t change what was in front of me. And in all honesty, on balance, I don’t think the steps account for what I gained while taking them. If A+B=C then how did I end up with W? W must have always been there and I just couldn’t see it.
Love what you’ve said, Lou. You’re right - before the 12 steps there was always the ability to make amends, say you’re sorry, live with gratitude, have a connection with some power greater than yourself and the ability to laugh and love life. I love the step, don’t get me wrong, but there’s a lot of wonderful stuff “out there” that is ours for the taking. By the way, I grew up with those same crashing waves of Lake Michigan - Chicago to be exact - is that your neck of the woods? Thanks again for your blog - love your writing.
I couldn’t agree more regarding people attributing every good thing that ever happens to the 12 steps, and I try to practice the steps “in all my affairs.” The steps, for me, were like a text book. They taught me how to solve life’s algebra problems. Prior to the steps, I saw life as one huge calculus problem, and I never learned calculus! Worse, I hated calculus! WORKING the steps brings life to me on a level I can comprehend. With the steps as my guide, I discover life’s simplicity. However, if I fail to heed the teachings of the text, life becomes calculus all over again! I have a personal responsibility in the equation.
I suppose to truly transform in life, a flexibility is needed in all affairs. I once heard the quote, “If all you have in your toolbox is a hammer, every problem will look like a nail.”
I have since set out to find as many tools as I can need, in hopes I will not only be prepared to handle any problem, but can prevent as many of them as possible.
I like the idea of my recovery as being just that - mine. I think the fact that my recovery for the first 9 months did not include al anon but instead a gym membership and lots of sweat and tears was how I needed it to work for me.
The thing I have come to understand more than anything else is that we all have the power to change or not within our reach and before the last year, I just was not a beliver…but now, I am.
Glad to see you spreading your messaage of hope and struggle with more people. as usual I love reading your blog, and now I guess I get double Lou.
Peace