It’s 6:00 on Sunday night and I just remembered that I’m supposed to be the speaker tonight at the 8:00 Sunday night meeting in the town where I live.  Someone asked me to speak a couple of months ago, but I declined.  I’m not sure why - everyone who has a computer can see my story in living color in 6 parts on The Second Road website.  I’ve told my story on the radio several times, spoken at prisons, rehab centers and been on a SAMHSA webcast on Recovery in the 21st Century.  Yet speaking in front of a small group of my peers, most of whom I knew fairly well, kinda scares me.  It’s one thing to tell your story in front of a camera or to a room full of people that you will probably never see again, but standing in front of 20 or so addicts that you know pretty well seems to be somewhat daunting to me.

I share at meetings, have no problem talking to others in a general sense, about my disease and my recovery - then why am I nervous about standing at another podium, sharing my experience, strength and hope?  Is it because these guys see me on a regular basis and are really in my life to hold me accountable?  Is it because that some of the things I’m going to say will not set well with strict 12 steppers?  Is it because I really don’t have a sponsor at the moment and I’ll have to admit that tonight?  Or is it because I’m not really happy with the way I’ve been working my program lately?  I’ve often said that the 12 steps are not my life, but they contribute greatly to my recovery, as do other practices.  The questions I’m asking myself right now are, “Have I been regularly doing those things, whatever they may be, that keep me sober, enhance my quality of life and make me happy (or at least content)?  Have I kept an attitude of gratitude, and followed the 10th, 11th and 12th steps each day?   Is it time to start the steps again?  Have I continued to do the things that I enjoy doing to take care of me, i.e., volunteering, exercise, yoga, meditation, movies and ice cream?

When I sit here asking myself these questions I must admit that I have been so involved in taking care of life’s every day occurrences, be they big or small, that I have put many of my recovery tools on the shelf of late.  Working on this fabulous site has been a gift and a lot of pressure, all at the same time.  The fact that my other two co-workers just lost their sisters to cancer and have been dealing with the next phase of grieving and family care-taking has put much of the work on the site on hold.  The fact that my own family issues have been glowing in neon hasn’t helped my serenity either.

But ya know what?  Taking care of life’s every day occurrences is what recovery is all about.  Have I really put my recovery on the shelf when I fully participate in life?  Or have the tools become a part of me somehow and I don’t even know that I’m using them? Sometimes my recovery is stellar.  Sometimes I’m lucky if it’s mediocre.  Sometimes my family issues can take me to the edge and start pushing at my back, and sometimes I can laugh at the craziness all families endure and still stay together - because they’re family, and because underneath the mayhem is the foundation that love built.  Sometimes I can look at the world and see the horror, the hatred and the greed that increasingly pervade our planet, and mourn.  And sometimes I can hear Louie Armstrong singing “What A Wonderful World”and believe every single word of it, down to my marrow.  And ya know what?  I’m okay with that. I have to be - this moment is what it is, so why not just accept it, be grateful for what it’s taught you, and move to the next moment? I think that’s what they call recovery.

Gotta go to my meeting -

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior

p.s. - Thanks, Louie