The Moral of the Story
Dec 12, 08- (by Mama MPJ)
- 8 responses
- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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I’ve found that Life likes to pound me over the head again and again with the same lesson until I get it. It’s sort of reassuring; there are no real mistakes, because I know I’m always going to get a chance to work the problem again. I’m finding that working the 12 Steps has given me an ultra-condensed version of Life: the same problems come up over and over again. And the 12 Steps are apparently feeling the need to wallop me repeatedly with my problems around rules and authority.
The Junky’s Wife has been reading Kevin Griffin’s One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps, and she tells me that Griffin describes me perfectly when he describes himself as both a 5-year-old Catholic boy who wants to follow all the rules and a 15-year-old who wants to give everyone the finger. Now I have to dig up my copy of that book and make the time to read it, because that conflict has come up for me every step of the way.
I can’t stand having anyone tell me what to do, yet I want to color inside the lines and make sure everyone else does too. I want to follow all the rules and I think all the rules are stupid. So, I’ve spent a fair percentage of the time I’ve been doing Step work feeling like a dog straining against a leash; I’ve roped myself to the rules only to spend huge amounts of energy struggling to break free.
But all this head banging against rules and authority has brought me to a very familiar place. It’s time to stop thinking and struggling. The air is quivering and I can feel my hair standing on end in response to the lightning that’s coming. I’m about to learn something, to see something differently. The moral of the story is almost here. The lesson is almost learned. I just have to wait.
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My sponsor has a great slogan: Be grateful when the brick of knowledge conks you squarely on the head. It’s a wake-up call: I can start learning, or I can wait for the next brick.
I too need repeated lessons when it comes to my character defects, and my goal is to catch the bricks and build something amazing with them.
I can’t stand having anyone tell me what to do, yet I want to color inside the lines and make sure everyone else does too.
It’s that need to please and be accepted, MPJ. In a way, this resonates with me, for I am very similar. Gabe laughs at me because sometimes I stubbornly refuse to do something that is expected of me or that everybody does, going against the grain to prove I’m different. I want to be the one making the choice, not have it thrust upon me.
Ultimately, it’s very silly and it reminds me of a saying from those Despair, inc. posters: you’re unique, just like everybody else.
I grew up trying so hard to please and to follow the rules, no matter what. I love the freedom I have now to do what my true self tells me to do (within reason). I don’t like to be different, but I don’t want to compromise my true self either. The beauty of the 12 steps is the surrender part, yet this is a lesson I need to be reminded of time and time again. I just figure that each time I slip or relearn an old lesson, it was time for a refresher. Refreshers can be a good thing….at least for me. I tend to be a very slow learner about many things related to myself and relationships,LOL. I’ll get there and so will you. You are not alone. ((((HUGS))))
I’ve gone through life following the rules at times and breaking them at others. MPJ - You are doing awesome. Cut yourself some slack. I love your spirit and willingness to help others. You are an inspiration.
“The lesson is almost learned.” I like that. It’s motivating and hopeful at the same time as preparing one for the proverbial brick that will reward one’s efforts.
Looking forward to hearing the “thud.” Bandaids and flowers forthwith.
Muah!!
The book sounds like one I should find. Thanks for the post! Sometimes I compare myself to others and I swear you are always the one who I think has it all together. I like knowing you are just as human as I am!
I’m sorry for that - please love me anyhow!
hehe
Cat
What kills me is that I get bonked on the head with an idea and truly get it. I’m thrilled and excited, but when I later try to explain the thought to somebody else… share a bit of myself… I can’t. It’s gone.. I can’t come up with the words. But, like you said, I can rest assured that it will come back and I’ll get a second chance… and when I fail again… I’ll get another.. and another..
Thank you for helping me see that.
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