To Infinity and Beyond
Dec 5, 08- (by Mama MPJ)
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- Family and Friends, Sober Salon
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When I first found out about my husband’s addiction, I saw recovery as a destination. Mark would get into recovery, work the 12 Steps and our life and our marriage would go back to something resembling what it had been. I wasn’t quite sure how it could, but there were a tantalizingly finite number of Steps (twelve!) that seemed to promise they could walk us right back to somewhere close to where we ought to be. The idea of a lifelong journey seemed to big and too exhausting: sort of like the idea of never drinking again must seem huge to the alcoholic new to recovery. It’s why recovery programs teach folks to take things one day at a time; infinity is overwhelming.
Still, I didn’t entirely take things one day at a time. One day at a time — forever — still seemed to big for me. So, I shortened infinity. Somewhere inside me, I held out the hope that we weren’t on an endless one-day-at-a-time journey to forever; instead, I tried to convince myself that we were moving toward a fixed moment at which things were going to be better. I had to believe the road we were traveling led somewhere and there would eventually be an end to this little trip we were on: a time when my husband wasn’t recovering, but recovered.
It took me a long time to really internalize that addiction and codependency are chronic conditions and that things don’t work that way. There is no point at which either of us gets to stop working and those Steps don’t end at a destination. When someone finishes working the Steps, they go right back to the beginning and start again, like Sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill for all eternity. But with each trip up, the rock wears a little bit, gets a little smaller, gets a little easier to push. Each trip uncovers something new and eases the burden. Fortunately, I discovered nearly simultaneously that the journey didn’t ever really end and that I didn’t care anymore because I was happy in the journey itself.
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beautiful and how true!
I’m really glad you’re enjoying the journey. Wish I could join your chat tomorrow night but I’ll be on my way out of town at that time. Should be really interesting.
I recall a time in my life that I realized there was no end to my personal and internal healing - the road back to myself. If we focus too much on the results we do miss out on the importance of the journey.
This is so true. It’s like eating — you gotta do it over and over. You can’t just eat once and be done with it.
But if we could - imagine the time we’d save!