I was really angry at sobriety over the weekend. And while I was pissed at sobriety, I was even more upset with the disease of alcoholism.

In the wake of a breakup earlier in the fall, I have done my best to dive deeper into the program and understand how I could have stayed as long as I did in a romantic relationship that was essentially extremely self destructive. And I wondered how I could have denied so many of the warning signs I saw with this ex significant other.

 And after writing pages of inventory on the relationship, I came up with a few possible answers as to my denial about the reality of the relationship. First, family issues came up for me. Without getting too much into detail, looking at my relationships with my stepdad, dad, and brothers, it makes perfect sense that I would be comfortable with a person who excessively criticized me. Second, I appear to use romantic relationships like I used alcohol and drugs. To escape and set myself apart from the world. Now how to go about fixing that? I don’t know. Time, my Higher Power, continuing to work the 12 steps will hopefully change that for me. Third, I am young; a few years sober, and drank away many of my opportunities to learn during earlier years. So, I know these experiences are how I learn. Didn’t someone once say pain is the touchstone of progress? Or something like that?

 Oh and I appear to be completely unable to date a person seriously without losing myself in the relationship. I guess that’s where treating romance like a drink plays a part. And in that regard, romance becomes my Higher Power.  

 And, I appear to be extremely attracted to people and situations in general in life which allow me to play one of my favorite roles; the victim. I LOVE love LOVE becoming a victim. My brain tells me that would be the best way for me to live my life.

 Anyways, getting back to that whole being angry at sobriety and alcoholism; I was mad because I wanted to make choices in regards to dating and romance without running them up against all of these funny little quirks I have realized about myself. I did just that recently and my sponsor pointed out the selfishness of my ways in that choice.

 I didn’t like that.

 Neither did my ego.

 So that is why during this past bitterly cold Sunday evening I found myself raking leaves with my roommate in our yard muttering about how I hated my disease, recovery and everything that went with it. I might have even thrown my rake around a little bit. Which thankfully, my roommate encouraged my expressing my emotions, instead of running away scared at my noticeable frustration and anger.

 After my little pissing match, I gave what my sponsor told me some serious consideration and decided she was correct.

 Which I really didn’t like at all.

 Being alone makes me scared and uncomfortable. I wish I could say I was different, but that’s the painful yucky truth.

 So this is sobriety on occasion. Feeling really uncomfortable and having to sit in it. And to use my sponsor’s words, “making sacrifices to stay sober”.